Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Working

Hey everyone, I know it’s been a while since I’ve blogged.  You may wonder what I’ve done in the time when I wasn’t blogging.  Well, here’s what I’ve been up to: stuff.  Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I do have a bit of news.  Yes, it’s seems that your friendly neighborhood blogger has found a steady job.  Of course, now that I have a job, I have more of a reason why I don’t blog.  Ah, who am I kidding, I never have a good reason why I don’t blog.  Anyway, Now that I have employment, I can write a blog post about having a job.  So I will, as outlined below:

1. Showing up is the most important thing – This is easy to understand, yet people still don’t do it.  It’s not hard to show up.  It’s not like school where you had to show up with things like homework and term papers and enough gum for the whole class.  In fact, my whole experience has been like so: in elementary school, the teachers gave me a bunch of homework, saying that I would have even more in middle school.  Then I got to middle school and the teachers said that the elementary school teachers were full of it when it came to that amount of homework, yet gave me a bunch of homework anyway, saying that I would be doing more in high school.  Then I got to high school and the teachers said that the middle school teachers were full of it when it came to that amount of homework, yet gave me a bunch of homework anyway, saying that I would be doing more in college.  Then I got to college and the teachers said that the high school teachers were full of it when it came to that amount of homework, yet gave me a bunch of homework anyway, saying that the real world would be much, much harder.  Then I got to the real world and they’re like “you showed up?  Here, have some money”.  So yeah, showing up is very important.  Also, I had to type this twice because WordPress sucks and deleted this and only this paragraph for whatever reason.
2. Nobody knows what they’re doing – This is a lesson that I’ve learned that applies to pretty much everything in life, but especially to the working world.  It seems like everyone is just faking everything in hope that everything will work out.  Somehow, the world continues despite nobody knowing what they’re doing.  I don’t know how it happens, but it does.
3. Break times are to be cherished – Confession time: Rob of the Sky isn’t the hardest worker to have ever graced the planet.  Even though I might be what some would consider a slacker, I still long for break time.  Now that I’m thinking about it, I might long for break time because I am a slacker.  Anyway, I like break time because I can surf the internet and not worry about anyone seeing me not work and calling me out on it.  Not that I’ve been called out on not working yet, but that possibility is there.  The best break time is lunch, of which I get an hour.  I don’t need a full hour to eat, so I spend like half of my lunch hour eating and the other half Googling my name.  So yeah, breaks are awesome.
4. Don’t let the management see you slack off – As I alluded to in the last point, I do sometimes slack off even if it’s not break time.  I’m horrible, I know it.  Anyway, I always gotta keep a eye over my shoulder in case a supervisor walks by and sees me not working.  Yeah, that’s something that wouldn’t end well for me, so I make sure to keep my eye out for supervisors.  Of course, I could avoid being caught not working by actually working, but that’s too much trouble.
5. Quitting time is the best part of the day – Especially on Friday, since it’s the longest possible amount of time before more work.

So, that’s all I have for now.  Until next time, remember that the only reason why your teacher gives you so much homework is because they hate you.  Peace out.

Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Greeting Cards

Today I went to the grocery store to get a card for my dad’s birthday. One of the things I noticed is that there are now greeting cards for St. Patrick’s Day. This inspired me to write about greeting cards, so I did. I think everyone has bought and received greeting cards in their lifetimes. Whether it’s for a birthday, a graduation, the death of a loved one, or an overly commercialized holiday, greeting cards are always present in life. Now, something I’ve noticed is how boring greeting cards tend to be. Many of them say the same things like “happy birthday” or “sorry for your loss”. If I were in charge of the world, I would soup up the greeting card industry by creating greeting cards the world has never seen. Some of the greeting cards I would create would be the following (note: the red text would be the inside of the cards):

So you’ve recently lost a loved one…
Here’s to hoping they left you plenty of money in the will!

Sorry I missed your birthday…
But those 8 months were really busy.

Congratulations for graduating high school…
If someone as dumb as you can do that, the public school system is a joke.

Happy Father’s Day…
P.S. I need money.

Happy Valentines Day…
I can’t wait for the amazing sex we’re having tonight.

Congratulations for 15 years of working at the company…
By the way, clear out your desk, you’re fired.

Seasons greetings…
And stay far, far away from granny’s fruitcake.

Just thinking of you…
Where’s that money you owe me?

Happy Leif Erikson Day…
Hey, the greeting card company needs money too.

Yep, my ideas would totally make the greeting card industry more interesting. If anyone from Hallmark is reading this, I am available for hire. So until next time, remember to stay far, far away from granny’s fruitcake.

Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Facebook

So there’s this little known website called Facebook.com.  I don’t know if you’ve heard of it, but it’s this cool social networking site that’s only available to certain colleges.  It’s the talk of those campuses!  Oh wait, this isn’t 2005 anymore.  Now Facebook is the number one non-Google site that has taken over the world.  It seems like everyone’s on Facebook, from grandparents to babies.  Damn that Mark Zuckerburg for taking what was a cool hangout spot on the internet and making it all lame by attracting parents and annoying little siblings to it.  For all you parents out there, if there’s something your teen likes that you disapprove of, the best way to get them to hate it is by you liking it.  Lets say your kids listens to Lady Gaga or Justin Bieber or John Phillip Sousa and you don’t like them listening to those musicians, then you start listening to those musicians when they’re around.  I guarantee they’ll move on to another pop singer that you disapprove of in no time flat.  Anyway, I’m having a hard time coming up with a clever segue, so here’s a bunch of crap about Facebook:

1. Facebook is the place to stalk everyone from high school – If you’re like me, you went to high school with hundreds if not thousands of people.  Now, in the past many people went their own separate ways after graduation, not keeping up with their former classmates until the 10th year reunion where everyone lied about their success.  With the invention of Facebook, you can friend people you barely knew in high school and see what they’re doing these days.  You can look at their Facebook profiles and see that the captain of the football team got a job flipping burgers at McDonald’s, the head cheerleader got a job flipping burgers at Burger King, and the really nerdy kid who was really into John Phillip Sousa got into Harvard, graduated at the top of his class, and then got a job flipping burgers at Wendy’s.  With that success Dr. John Zoidberg would be envious.
2. There is no such thing as TMI on Facebook – Just got totally wasted at the party?  Instant Facebook status.  Have hot and steamy sex with a hooker last night?  That’s perfect fodder for a status update.  Scratching your itchy balls?  Status update!  Just threw up in front of the President?  Then you make a game out of updating your status before you appear on the 5 o’clock news.  There’s no limit to the embarrassing stuff that you can put on Facebook.  If you are looking for a job, however, then those status updates can work against you in a court of job interview (and it does feel like going for a job interview is like going to court these days).
3. Poking is an art – While there have been several changes to Facebook over the years, one thing that has remained the same is the poke.  The poke was designed to be a not so subtle flirting technique, but there are far more applications to the poke than just flirting.  There’s also poke wars, where you repeatedly poke someone over and over again until they get tired and quit poking back.  Then you can declare victory.  Of course, some people don’t stop poking back, but instead write on your wall to stop poking them. When this happens, you must not stop poking them, as you’ve done pwned them. Poking them becomes even more fun, as you’re clearly annoying them.  Of course, all the fun and games of poking come to an end when the person you’re poking on Facebook pokes you in the eye with a fork in real life.
4. You must complain when Facebook changes its layout every 2.5 seconds – People tend to be resistant to change.  This is a common fact of life, yet someone at the Facebook headquarters in Dracula’s Castle apparently didn’t get that memo.  I’ve never seen a site change its layout as many times as Facebook has.  In fact, they seem to change their layout more often than some people change their underwear.  Every time Facebook changes its layout, thousands of its users complain, and every time the users’ complaints fall on Mark Zuckerburg’s deaf ears.  Maybe Facebook should stick with one layout for a while, maybe finishing this candy bar before starting another.
5. Facebook apps are designed to bother your friends – A few years ago, Facebook introduced apps.  Now, this seemed like a good idea at the time, but unfortunately they made it too easy to send app invites to all your friends.  What happens is that the friends get annoyed by all the spam and end up hating everything in life.  The worst of these spam apps are games.  Many of the more well-known games on Facebook end in -ville, such as Farmville, Yoville, Frontierville, Cityville, and Bothertheshitoutofyourfriendsville.  Oh how I hate Farmville.  I want to destroy all those virtual farms and curse the day that retched game was born.  Anyway, if it’s not games that’s the subject of app spam, then it’s the annoy surveys like “Which city do you belong in”, “Which Twilight character are you”, and “Which Facebook app annoys you the most”.  It’s a small wonder why I spend less time on Facebook these days.

Well, that’s Facebook in a nutshell.  There’s more to Facebook than what I’ve outlined here, but unwanted Farmville invites are annoying me too much for me to dive into more of Facebook’s features.  Until next time, remember to keep your damn Farmville invites to yourself!

Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Finding a Job (Part 2)

If you recall, last time I blogged about finding a job via teh internets.  I had remarked that getting a job had almost nothing to do with education, experience, good references, or the number of $20s you attach to your resume.  Instead, getting a job is very much based on bull shitting.  Now, applying to job ads is just one part of getting a job.  To get many (if not most) jobs, an interview is required.  Now you may be thinking that the interview involves being yourself and not bull shitting.  Well, isn’t that cute.  BUT IT’S WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The job interview requires even more bullshiting.  In my experience, there have been two main styles of job interviews, the group interview and the individual interview.  Both of which I will outline………..now.
The first major type of job interviews is the group interview.  As the name implies, this type of interview is done in a group setting.  This apparently saves the company the time to interview each of the applicants.  After all, time is money.  Many of these interviews consist of a sales pitch similar to those fund-raising presentations that are far too common in public school.  I’m sure many of you remember school fund-raisers.  Heck, some of you are probably still stuck having to do them.  Anyway, remember the sales pitch the companies would use to get you to participate?  IT was something along the lines of sell x products and get y prize!  So of course, you (read: your parents) sell useless crap that nobody really wants anyway in order to get a slinky that would’ve set you back a couple of bux at any general merchandiser store.  But that slinky is oh so special because you didn’t just buy it, you earned it.  Of course, you could earn a slinky by playing several rounds of Skee-Ball at the arcade, and given the choice between pestering my friends and family to buy useless crap that they don’t really want and will never use or playing in the arcade, I’d choose arcade 10 out of 10 times.  Anyway, the point is that many group interviews have the same feel as those fund-raising presentations.  Only, instead of slinkies that you’ll only play with a couple of times and never touch again, the prize involved is money.  You’ll hear of how all it takes is 15 sales a week to get a six figure income.  Of course, they’ll mention about this one guy in Bugtussle, Alabama who made 2 million bux just doing the “business” out of his house.  Oh yeah, they’ll talk about how it is not a job, but rather how it is “owning your own business”.  Now, if I wanted to own a business I sure as hell would not have a boss.  I mean, isn’t one of the reasons to start a business is to be one’s own boss?  Anyway, what they won’t tell you is that said “business opportunity” costs a lot of time and money to even break even, must less earn any money.  I mean, isn’t one of the reason to get a job is to make money?  The time spent at one of these “business opportunities” could be better spent playing Skee-Ball at the arcade.  At least you can get a slinky in the process.
The second type of job interview is the more traditional individual interview.  This is where a hiring manager asks the candidate questions to determine the candidate’s personality.  After all the interviews are over, the powers that be hire the candidate who was the best bull shitter.  Now, there are some questions that seem to be in all job interviews and there are no right answers.  However, there are plenty of wrong answers.  The first question that many interviewers seem to ask is “did you find the place alright?”  Usually the interviewer asks this question if the place is located in the middle of nowhere.  Sometimes the place can be hard to find if the directions are like “go down the road until you see a building.  Turn onto the paved road located near the building and go down the road until you spot some grass, then turn downed the paved road.  Follow that until you see a sign saying ‘speed limit 55’ and the place will be to the side of the road”.  Another question that interviewers tend to ask is “tell us about yourself”.  Now is not the time to mention that DUI you got on New Year’s Eve.  In fact, for this question you have to bullshit your way into thinking that you’re better than sliced bread.  Another question they may ask is “why did you leave your last position?”  Odds are, you were probably laid off so that the CEO would have enough money to give himself a bonus on top of his billions that he already has (God bless America).  However, that answer will guarantee that you remain unemployed and possibly impotent.  Instead, mention something about how you outgrew the old job or something of that nature.  Another question that the interviewer is likely to ask is “why are you interested in this position?”  Never say you want it for the money, even if the only reason you want the entry-level telemarketing job is because it actually pays American money as opposed to scrit.  Instead, you bullshit and say something like how telemarketing is your dream job.  And if telemarketing really is your dream job, more power to you.  Another question that you’ll be likely to hear in a job interview is “what are some of your strengths?”  They want the strengths to be relevant to the job.  You may be able to unlock the Top Secret Area in Super Mario World, but unless you’re applying to either a video game store that sells classic games or Nintendo of America in the early ’90’s, you don’t mention it as a strength.  And no being fashionably late is not a strength.  The next question will likely be “what are some of your weaknesses?”  Now, they don’t want to know your real weaknesses.  This is the biggest bullshit question in most job interviews, as it usually requires positive traits be spun to be negative.  Something like “I’m too punctual” would work.  Something like “I like to masturbate” doesn’t work, even if it is a true weakness.  The final question of almost all interviews is “do you have any questions?”  Every source of career advice says that you should never answer the question with “no”.  Actually, now would be the best time to ask more about the job you are applying to.  Just don’t ask how to unlock the Top Secret Area in Super Mario World.  Well, that’s all I have for today.  Until next time, I’ll be unlocking the Top Secret Area in Super Mario World.

Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Finding a Job (Part 1)

In this down economy, job hunting is all too common of an event for people such as myself.  Everyday job seekers must sift through dozens of job openings in hopes that their dream job, or any job at all, is around the corner.  Yet job hunting is one of the most fruitless tasks one can do.  The average job seeker must endure dozens, if not hundreds, of rejections before hearing that elusive yes to a job that probably wasn’t your ideal when you first began job hunting.  Now, you might think that your skills, previous work history, or college diploma will help you in getting a job.  However, all of those things are useless.  Getting a job is entirely based on how well you bull shit.  That’s it.  Being able to bull shit potential employers into giving you that job is how the job hunting process works.  Now, you’re not the only party who is doing the bull shitting.  Too many job opportunities try to out bull shit the people bull shitting them to get them to work a very bull shittery job.  They usually put out job ads that sound much better than the job really is.  In fact, here’s a psudo-chart of what potential employers say and what they really mean:

What potential employers say:
1.Have an exciting career in sanitation engineering!
2.Earn unlimited income!
3.Work for a Fortune 500 company!
4.No experience needed!
5.Hiring immediately!
6.Don’t miss out on this business opportunity!
7.We will review your resume and contact you if interested.
8.We appreciate you interest in the company…
9.However, we’ve given the job to someone who better suits our needs.

What they really mean:
1.You’ll be a  garbage man.
2.Work long hours for little money and no benefits.
3.Though we aren’t one.
4.We can pay less!
5.We hire anyone who will pay us.
6.This is a pyramid scheme.
7.We’ll barely glance at your resume before throwing it away.
8.Why did you waste our time applying here.
9.Go fuck yourself.

Now that I’ve become the bane of every employers’ existence, I’m going to talk about the various job postings that an average job seeker might run into online.  You see, the internet has more than just porn and more porn.  There are some websites devoted to job hunting, like Monster, Careerbuilder, and Craigslist.  These sites save the job seeker from driving around trying to find help wanted signs in an economy where there are more store closing signs than help wanted signs.  However, there are some job ads of dubious value on these sites.  The first type of job ad with dubious value is the job ad that requires tons of qualifications for little pay.  An example of such a job post would be:

Position requires a PhD in Astrophysics, 40 years of sanitation engineering experience, familiarity with Microsoft Office, C++, HTML, BASIC, and Commodore 64 technology.  Pay is $8 an hour.

With these job ads, it’s like the employer doesn’t want to hire anyone for the position.  In fact, I wonder if people are posting fake jobs for the reason of giving people’s hopes up.  Anyway, another type of job posting that really grinds my gears is the type of job posting that doesn’t actually say what the job is, like so:

No experience!  No problem!  We welcome recent college grads!  You’ll be promoted to your own office in months!  Paid training!

These job ads make it seem like they are offering an exciting job in marketing.  Yet, they are usually glorified door-to-door sells job, selling coupon books to random businesses in the area.  I’m not making that up.  I also like how these jobs advertise that training is paid.  Really?  You mean I can get paid for my time and labor?  Wow, and here I though I was supposed to work for free.  Maybe there would be an economic system developed around the concept of being paid to work.  Maybe the money one makes from working can be used to purchase goods and services.  Perhaps this economic system could be called Capitalism.  It might catch on.  Nah, it’s too radical of an idea.  Anyway, the final type of job posting I’ll be focusing on is the job posting with typos.  Now, it is important to have absolutely no typos in your resume.  All the job hunt help sites tell you not to have typos in your resume.  It is bad for you to have typos in your resume.  There is nothing worse than having typos in your resume.  Having typos in your resume will prevent you from getting a job and getting laid.  If you have any typos in your resume whatsoever, you are worse than Hitler, Stalin, and Walt Disney put together.  FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DO NOT HAVE ANY TYPOS IN YOUR RESUME.  At this point, you’re probably wishing that I’d shut up about not having typos in your resume.  Yet, I did that to make a point, which is that everybody whose career is in helping people find jobs will tell you that the number one sure-fire way that you will not get a job is to have typos in your resume.  That’s unfortunately not to say that a typo free resume will land you a job.  Remember, bull shitting is what lands you a job.  However, typos in the resume can’t be corrected via bull shit.  Anyway, it really grinds my gears when I see job ads with typos.  I’m like “wow, there’s a typo in this job ad.  Now, I am required to have a typo free resume, but they have a typo on their job ad.  That makes me want to apply there…NOT!” or in the style of Borat “that makes me want to apply there not.”  I’d give an example, but my post is already becoming too long.  So now I will end this post before it suffers from tl;dr-ism.  Stay tuned for part 2 of Rob of the sky’s guide to Finding a Job, where I will talk about job interviews.  Until them, peace out!