Tag Archive: Chia-pets


It’s Christmas week, which means everyone will be opening presents in a few days.  Now, we all know that the main reason for the season is to give and receive presents.  Well, it’s really supposed to be about the birth of Jesus, but the holiday is so commercialized that the religious aspect is pushed to the back burner.  Anyway, presents are extremely important in the modern Christmas experience.  Thus, it is important to give a good gift.  The following is a list of gifts that are not always a good idea to give.  If it is the thought that counts, then I gotta wonder what the people who give the following gifts were thinking.  So without further ado, I present gifts you should think twice before buying:

  • Chia Pets – Despite what the commercials say, Chia Pets do not make a wonderful gift.  I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who enjoy Chia Pets.  Those who enjoy Chia Pets must be out there though.  After all, they keep advertising Chia Pets on television.  Or perhaps Chia Pets continue to get made because people buy them as a half-ass last-minute Christmas gift.  The point is, don’t get me a Chia Pet for Christmas.
  • Gym Membership/Equipment – If any gift hits below the belt, it is the gym membership or gym equipment.  The person who is giving the gift is not so subtly telling the recipient that he or she is larger than most safari animals.  There are better ways to break it to a loved one that they are getting a little pudgy around the waistline than giving them a Christmas gift that they would probably find insulting.  The point is, don’t get me a Chia Pet for Christmas.
  • Christmas Stuff – The temptation to get something Christmassy for a friend or loved one is certainly there, as the stores tend to start selling Christmas stuff in September.  However, while the ornament that you get your friend may look good, they won’t be able to use it for another year, and that’s no fun.  Perhaps the exception to this rule is Christmas Specials on DVD, which can be watched on Christmas day and then forgotten about until spring cleaning 2015.  Of course, if the Christmas special in question is the Star Wars Christmas Special, then it is still a bad gift idea.
  • Lottery Tickets – Lottery tickets are a horrible Christmas present because most of the time the lottery tickets are losers.  Thus giving lottery tickets as a gift is often times the same as not giving a gift at all.  What’s worse is if the lottery ticket hits big.  Stuff like that can end friendships.  A gift that can end friendships is not much of a gift at all.
  • Gift Cards – In an economy where there are more “store closing” signs in any given area than “help wanted” signs, getting a gift card to say Sears might not be a good idea because Sears may not exist in a few months time.  In fact, I thought Sears wasn’t going to last through this year.  Thus the gift card becomes little more than a useless piece of plastic in a wallet.  Oh, and remember that if Sears doesn’t make it through the recession that I predicted it right here on my blog.
  • Snuggie – No explanation needed.
  • Snuggie for Dogs – Some people feel compelled to give their dogs Christmas gifts.  This is to make the humans happy, because Rover doesn’t even know what Christmas is.  I would imagine that the Snuggie for Dogs would be a popular gift for those that have so much money that they’ll buy Rover a present.  Poor Rover will be stuck with a gift he’ll certainly hate.  If you’re a man and you give Rover a Snuggie for Dogs for Christmas, you very manhood may be at stake as Rover will probably bite you in the crotch.
  • Crappy Pharmacy Toys – Nothing says you got little Johnny’s Christmas present at the very last-minute than a crappy toy from the local pharmacy.  To add injury to insult, the crappy toys at the pharmacy tend to be overpriced and found cheaper elsewhere.

Well, these are some gifts that might not be a good idea to give.  Do you know any other crappy gifts that one should avoid giving?  If so, let us all know via comment.  Until next time, remember that the point is, don’t get me a Chia Pet for Christmas.

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So I have a doctor’s appointment later this week, so as a result I’m going to talk about doctors’ appointments.  Many of you have been to a doctor’s appointment before.  The thing is they really don’t change.  The main difference between going to the doctor when I was young and going to the doctor now is the lollipop.  When I went to the doctor as a kid, I got a lollipop at the end for putting up with all the waiting and the shots.  Now when I go to the doctor, the doctor tells me not to eat lollipops or else I may end up with diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, AIDS, SARS, and SIDS.  Did I mention that growing up sucks?  Anyway, most doctors’ appointments follow a certain pattern like so:

  1. Payment – The first thing most doctors’ offices have you do is give them money.  They do this first because they want to get their money in case you run out right before the prostate exam.  Apparently your butt and your wallet have to hurt after the visit.  The amount of hurt your wallet experiences is 100% dependent on what type of health insurance you have.  If you don’t have health insurance, Lord have mercy on your soul.
  2. Waiting in the waiting room – After selling your car to get enough money to pay the doctor, you have to wait an eternity in the waiting room.  Sometimes the doctor’s office wants you to fill out a stack of papers that are thicker than most Congressional bills.  While you try to recount your mass in slugs, sick people are coughing and sneezing and getting their germs everywhere.  Hand sanitizer is your friend at the doctor’s office.  If you don’t have any papers to fill out, you can entertain yourself by reading one of the magazines in the waiting room that from 1978.  Unfortunately, there usually isn’t any magazines that feature video games or naked women.  Good magazines feature video games or naked women.  Everyone knows that.
  3. Waiting in that little room that has the table with the paper on it – After a while, the nurse calls you back, gets your weight, and sends you into a little room.  After the nurse gets things like your temperature, blood pressure, and wallet, he or she leaves the room.  Now, you’re waiting in a room that has no magazines or any other form of entertainment.  This gives you plenty of time to ponder life’s most important questions like “Why am I sitting on paper”, “Why are there no magazines in here” and “Why doesn’t Taco Bell serve beer”.  It would be wise to bring your Game Boy or your Game Gear to keep you occupied.
  4. Talking to the doctor – Now we get down to the heart of the matter, which also happens to be the shortest part of the actual appointment for some reason.  The doctor tends to run some short tests on you, asks how you have been doing, and gives advice that I subsequently ignore like lose weight, quit smoking, and quit urinating in public.  And that’s it.
  5. Make another appointment – You’ll get another six months to disregard  your doctor’s advice before you have to see him or her again.
  6. Get blood work done – As if it wasn’t enough that the doctor’s office wanted your money, they also want your blood.  I wonder if doctors are secretly vampires.  I’m not talking about the pedophile vampires that seem to be popular lately for no known reason.  I’m talking about the vampires that suck blood.  I must be getting old because I remember a time where vampires weren’t pedophile and there were nine planets in our solar system.  What’s this world coming to?
  7. Get your medicine – Now that you got your freshly written prescriptions, it’s time to cash them in for pills.  You may have to wait for the pharmacist to fill the prescriptions, in which case you can read a mini-guide to prostate cancer.  It’s better than Shakespeare I tells ya.  You can also buy crappy pharmacy toys at the pharmacy to give as a half assed last-minute birthday or Christmas gifts.  The point is, don’t get me a Chia-pet for Christmas.

Well that’s all I have for today.  Until next time, remember that Taco Bell doesn’t serve beer for no obvious reason.  Later.