Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Vegas (Part 2)

Well, it’s the entry you all have been waiting for.  That’s right, it’s the semi-exciting conclusion to my guide to Vegas.  As you may recall, part one of Rob of the Sky’s guide to Vegas dealt solely with gambling.  Given the popularity of part one, I decided to go ahead and do part two.  Actually, that was a lie.  Part one was my least popular post on here to date.  Anyway, without further ado, here’s part two of Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Vegas:

While gambling may be the main draw to Vegas, there is so much more that Vegas has to offer.  Buffets, shows, roller coasters, and hookers are just some of the things that make the Vegas experience complete.  There’s no way I could cover it all, but I’ll try anyway, like so:

• Scenery – The Vegas strip contains giant casinos that take the shape of various world landmarks, including a giant pyramid, a castle, and the skylines of New York and Paris, among others. This is a way to see the world if actually seeing the world is too damn expensive and Wikipedia just doesn’t cut it.
• Shows – What better way to stay in the air conditioning than watching one of various shows that Vegas has to offer.  There are many different shows there.  The most common are magic shows.  These shows offer magicians doing trick using white tigers.  Apparently white tigers are the most magical animal ever, or at least more magical than their orange counterparts.  Another common type of shows are the shows involving washed-up music superstars.  This is where the pop idols of the ’50’s and ’60’s (and sometimes ’70’s) go to finish their careers.  Mostly old ladies and myself go to shows like these.  Another type of show that I like to go to is the shows that feature stand-up comedians.  Generally these comedians are relatively unknown, though sometimes well-known comedians appear in Vegas (at higher prices, of course).
• Alcohol – I alluded to this subject during part one, and for good reasons.  Alcohol is the water of Vegas.  It’s everywhere.  If you are a teetotaler, you might have a bit of a problem in Vegas, as it seems like everyone offers you alcohol.  You can’t go too far in Vegas without seeing someone drinking.  One word of advise: try to limit the drinking while gambling, else you might spend your life’s saving in one sitting.
• Buffets – What better way to eat that to load up your plate while standing in line?  Now, I got to admit that I got my fill of buffets while in college, as the cafeteria was buffet style.  Still, buffets are a major part of Vegas, as most casinos contain at least one buffet restaurant.  So you might as well make the most of it.  Besides, most buffets offer free refills, which can be a godsend in the desert.  And what goes better with buffets than…
• Roller Coasters –  Now, Vegas doesn’t have the Hulk Roller Coaster or anything of that caliber.  The roller coasters there may be overpriced.  They might not have a variety of coasters.  Still, riding roller coasters can be a fun way to spend the day in Vegas, especially if you are underage.  My favorite coasters there involves paying a slightly higher fee to ride all day.  And ride all day I do.  Unless I fall off one of the coasters, then I get to go to the…
• Emergency Room – Where you go if you have too much fun in Vegas.  Well, either the emergency room or jail.
• Wedding Chapels – Have you ever wanted to have a big wedding where all of your family and friends are there watching you and subsequently have a huge reception where all of the families and friends dance to the music?  If not, than the chapels of Vegas may be for you.  Who makes a better minister than Elvis?  Exactly.  He also provides great music, which makes weddings fun!
• Sex – You can score in more than one way in Vegas.  Like gambling and alcohol, sex is a way of life in Vegas.  There are so many ways to become aroused in Vegas that it isn’t funny.  Don’t have a partner?  Well, if you don’t mind risking catching STD’s, you can hire a hooker.  Hookers are all over Las Vegas, and unlike other places, they tend to be in lighted areas.  That makes it easier for you to shop around so that you find that right fit.

Well, I hoped you enjoyed this guide to Vegas.  Until next time, remember to properly restrain yourselves while riding roller coasters.

Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Vegas (Part 1)

Welcome all to another edition of Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Crap! The next two entries will deal with the land of gambling, booze, and hookers: Las Vegas! The first part will deal with the gambling aspect of Vegas while the second part will deal with the other stuff like buffets, roller coasters, shows, and people who like to show their moneymakers. So without further ado, here comes part one of Rob of the Sky’s guide to Vegas.

Gambling is a way of life in Las Vegas. there are sooooo many slot machines there that it’s overwhelming. The slot machines aren’t limited to casinos either. There are slot machines in places like the airport or the pharmacy. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were gambling opportunities at the McDonalds’ there. Anyway, while gambling may be all over the place in Vegas, the main action is found in the casinos. There are many different types of gambling opportunities at the major casinos in Vegas. Of course, this blog would not be complete without me making fun of the various ways that you can lose your money in Vegas. So for your entertainment, here are the various forms of gambling in Vegas:

* Slot Machines – These are the primary form of gambling in Vegas. They come in all different sizes, forms, and prices. Yet one thing they have in common is that they take your money. Here’s how the typical slot machine works: you drop a coin in the machine and pull the lever or press the button. The reels turn and when they’re done, you get nothing back. So you stick another coin in the machine, pull the handle, watch the reels spin, and get nothing back. Repeat for several hours. Now, some people apparently do get some money back from the slot machines. In fact, there are giant cups to keep your coins in if you win. If you keep losing, you can put your beer in the giant cups. There are also slot machines which emulate 5-card draw. For these machines, you actually get a choice as to which cyber card to keep. Yet, it doesn’t really matter because you still lose. Now, you can pick which machine to play. as you really can’t go anywhere in Vegas without passing by hundreds of slot machines. Going to a show? Just past the slot machines. Trying to ride a roller coaster? You must pass through the jungle of slot machines. Got to urinate? Why not play one of the million of slot machines on the way to the restroom. Trying to get to Utah? Hope you don’t get lost in the slot machines. The irony is that those under 21 are not allowed in the casino, yet they got to go through the casino to get anywhere they can be, like the roller coaster.

* Roulette – This is another way to see your bank account dwindle. You can make several bets in roulette. You can bet on a particular number, where the odds are really not in your favor. You can increase your odds by betting on rows or columns. You can really increase your odds by betting on color (red or black), odd or even, or low (1-18) or high (19-36). Yet, it doesn’t really matter where you place your bet because that little ball that the casino worker throws onto the wheel seems to land on a space that you didn’t bet on. Yet, you go back, Jack, do it again. Wheel turning round and round.

* Craps – This game is crappy. That was lame. Anyway, I’m thoroughly convinced that you must have a Ph. D in Mathematics to understand craps. The playing board for craps seems so complex that I wouldn’t know where to begin to bet. The best strategy seems to place a bet at random and hope that it was a good one.

* The Spinning Wheel that Looks Like the Wheel off of Wheel of Fortune but Smaller and Mounted Vertically as Opposed to Horizontally – I have no idea what this game is called, but it is a simple game. All you have to do is put a certain amount of money up as a bet and let the casino worker work his mojo on the wheel. Some of the spaces on the wheel allow your money to multiply. Obviously, these spaces are smaller, with the higher amounts being smaller in area than the lower amounts. That’s about it. Oh, and of course you can lose your money here as well.

* Table Games – These are various card games where you can play against the house. The house of course being the casino. There are several types of these table games, yet the most popular is Blackjack. You could actually do well by playing Blackjack if you know the basic strategies, like not hitting on 21 or not staying on 4. Also, it helps if you get a casino worker who doesn’t know the rules of the game and ends up getting 48, thereby busting by a mile. It is proper to tip the casino worker, however, so your profits may be smaller than expected.

* Poker – Unlike other table games, in poker you compete with other casino patrons. Here is your chance to show off your acting skills by trying to bluff the other people that you have something great when in really you have crap. To be successful in poker, you must be void of all emotion. Any emotion shown on your face is a dead give away that you’re bluffing. Also, you could be like the guys on t.v. and wear shades. It’s your call. Just remember that you can’t fool all the people all the time.

* Sports Betting – Boring.

* The Arcade – When you are tired of losing your money of games that require little skill, you can go to the casino arcade to play games of skill. You can even win tokens playing games like Skee-Ball. The sad thing is you are probably more likely to win a prize in the arcade than in the casino.

Well, I hoped you enjoy my guide to Vegas. Just remember to stay tuned to part two of the guide right here on Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Crap!