Tag Archive: Justin Bieber

Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Facebook

So there’s this little known website called Facebook.com.  I don’t know if you’ve heard of it, but it’s this cool social networking site that’s only available to certain colleges.  It’s the talk of those campuses!  Oh wait, this isn’t 2005 anymore.  Now Facebook is the number one non-Google site that has taken over the world.  It seems like everyone’s on Facebook, from grandparents to babies.  Damn that Mark Zuckerburg for taking what was a cool hangout spot on the internet and making it all lame by attracting parents and annoying little siblings to it.  For all you parents out there, if there’s something your teen likes that you disapprove of, the best way to get them to hate it is by you liking it.  Lets say your kids listens to Lady Gaga or Justin Bieber or John Phillip Sousa and you don’t like them listening to those musicians, then you start listening to those musicians when they’re around.  I guarantee they’ll move on to another pop singer that you disapprove of in no time flat.  Anyway, I’m having a hard time coming up with a clever segue, so here’s a bunch of crap about Facebook:

  1. Facebook is the place to stalk everyone from high school – If you’re like me, you went to high school with hundreds if not thousands of people.  Now, in the past many people went their own separate ways after graduation, not keeping up with their former classmates until the 10th year reunion where everyone lied about their success.  With the invention of Facebook, you can friend people you barely knew in high school and see what they’re doing these days.  You can look at their Facebook profiles and see that the captain of the football team got a job flipping burgers at McDonald’s, the head cheerleader got a job flipping burgers at Burger King, and the really nerdy kid who was really into John Phillip Sousa got into Harvard, graduated at the top of his class, and then got a job flipping burgers at Wendy’s.  With that success Dr. John Zoidberg would be envious.
  2. There is no such thing as TMI on Facebook – Just got totally wasted at the party?  Instant Facebook status.  Have hot and steamy sex with a hooker last night?  That’s perfect fodder for a status update.  Scratching your itchy balls?  Status update!  Just threw up in front of the President?  Then you make a game out of updating your status before you appear on the 5 o’clock news.  There’s no limit to the embarrassing stuff that you can put on Facebook.  If you are looking for a job, however, then those status updates can work against you in a court of job interview (and it does feel like going for a job interview is like going to court these days).
  3. Poking is an art – While there have been several changes to Facebook over the years, one thing that has remained the same is the poke.  The poke was designed to be a not so subtle flirting technique, but there are far more applications to the poke than just flirting.  There’s also poke wars, where you repeatedly poke someone over and over again until they get tired and quit poking back.  Then you can declare victory.  Of course, some people don’t stop poking back, but instead write on your wall to stop poking them. When this happens, you must not stop poking them, as you’ve done pwned them. Poking them becomes even more fun, as you’re clearly annoying them.  Of course, all the fun and games of poking come to an end when the person you’re poking on Facebook pokes you in the eye with a fork in real life.
  4. You must complain when Facebook changes its layout every 2.5 seconds – People tend to be resistant to change.  This is a common fact of life, yet someone at the Facebook headquarters in Dracula’s Castle apparently didn’t get that memo.  I’ve never seen a site change its layout as many times as Facebook has.  In fact, they seem to change their layout more often than some people change their underwear.  Every time Facebook changes its layout, thousands of its users complain, and every time the users’ complaints fall on Mark Zuckerburg’s deaf ears.  Maybe Facebook should stick with one layout for a while, maybe finishing this candy bar before starting another.
  5. Facebook apps are designed to bother your friends – A few years ago, Facebook introduced apps.  Now, this seemed like a good idea at the time, but unfortunately they made it too easy to send app invites to all your friends.  What happens is that the friends get annoyed by all the spam and end up hating everything in life.  The worst of these spam apps are games.  Many of the more well-known games on Facebook end in -ville, such as Farmville, Yoville, Frontierville, Cityville, and Bothertheshitoutofyourfriendsville.  Oh how I hate Farmville.  I want to destroy all those virtual farms and curse the day that retched game was born.  Anyway, if it’s not games that’s the subject of app spam, then it’s the annoy surveys like “Which city do you belong in”, “Which Twilight character are you”, and “Which Facebook app annoys you the most”.  It’s a small wonder why I spend less time on Facebook these days.

Well, that’s Facebook in a nutshell.  There’s more to Facebook than what I’ve outlined here, but unwanted Farmville invites are annoying me too much for me to dive into more of Facebook’s features.  Until next time, remember to keep your damn Farmville invites to yourself!


Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Halloween

Good day to you all.  It’s that time of year again.  That’s right, tomorrow is Halloween!  Ah, I remember Halloween as a kid.  That was the one day of the year that I could take candy from strangers.  That’s got to be confusing to a little kid.  Parents are constantly telling kids not to take candy from strangers if they offer it.  Yet, the whole point of Trick or Treating is to go door to door taking candy from strangers who offer it.  Getting syringe filled candy isn’t the only thing going on for Halloween.  There’s always the pranks one can pull on Halloween.  You could throw toilet paper at the principal’s house, throw raw eggs at the principal’s house, or leave a flaming sack of crap on the principal’s porch.  Or, if you’re really brave (or stupid, or drunk), you can do donuts on the principal’s lawn.  It’s your choice.  Just remember, if anyone asks, you did not get these ideas from me.  Another popular Halloween activity is going to haunted houses.  Haunted houses tend to be a good date idea, as horny teenage girls get to be “scared” and thus snuggle up to horny teenage boys who can “protect” them.  I, however, tend to crack jokes at the people doing the haunting.  It’s a way to work on my crappy stand-up act, which I have not actually started.  There is one important aspect of Halloween I have yet to talk about: the costumes.  There are some costumes that are just bad ideas, like so:

  • Ghost: Nothing says you threw a costume together at the last-minute like ye olde white sheet with two eye holes.  Try for something more creative.
  • Santa Claus: Sure, the stores may put out their Christmas decorations in the middle of September, but that doesn’t mean it is a good idea to mix Christmas and Halloween.  People will be confused and think it’s Christmas already.
  • Fairy Princess: To all the parents out there: this costume doesn’t look right on little Johnny…
  • Police man: People will think you are one of the Village People.  Or a male stripper.  Unless you are one of the Village People or a male stripper, you may not want to wear this costume.
  • Justin Bieber: If you’re over the age of 15, dressing up like Justin Bieber is a sign that you may be a pedophile.  If you’re 15 or younger, dressing up like Justin Bieber is a sign that you may have terrible taste in music.  Either way, just say no to dressing up as Justin Bieber.
  • Cat that looks like Hitler (Kitler): While there may be a site dedicated to cats that look like Hitler, but you’re not a cat and Hitler was an antisemitic asshole.  Do I need to explain more?
  • Nudist: Going nude for Halloween is a bad idea, as it tends to be cold this time of year.  No clothes + cold weather = sickness.  Also, public nudity is kinda illegal in most places.

Well, that’s all to my guide to Halloween.  Until next time, remember to be safe this weekend.  Also, I will test any trick or treat candy to see if there any funny business in it.