Tag Archive: beer


Well, it looks like I’ve taken another unplanned hiatus.  Hopefully, I’ll be back to blogging more consistently soon, but for now here’s a blog post about the July 4th.  So July is here, and you know what that means.  That’s right, July 4th is coming up.  Yes, July 4th is the day that the US celebrates it birthday and the rest of the world does nothing special.  As an American, I will be celebrating the 235th birthday of this country.  Being that I’ve been around the Independence Day block a time or two, I have composed a guide of do’s and do even more’s of this holiday.  So sit back, grab some freedom fries, and enjoy!

Cookouts:

I’ll start off my guide with everyone’s favorite topic: food.  Food is a very important part of this holiday.  Hell, food is a very important part of every American holiday.  I think there was even a feast this past Arbor Day.  Anyway, the main course of any July 4th meal has to be grilled meat, usually hot dogs and hamburgers.  Now, there are two ways to grill the meat.  You can lay the meat on the side-walk and let the incredibly hot temperatures do their work.  However, it’s more fun to use an actual gill for one reason: gas (or Vitamin G as Homer Simpson calls it).  If you only remember one thing from this part of the blog post, remember that you can never have too much Vitamin G.  Having too much Vitamin G is like loving America too much in that it is simply impossible.  If you disagree it means that you are wrong (and probably a terrorist).  Anyway, to cook your hamburgers and/or hot dogs, just put some charcoal in the grill, throw the meat on the grill, use several gallons of Vitamin G (remembering that you can never use too much), light the charcoal, and watch the explosion.  If your house catches on fire, you know you’ve done a good job.  If any of your body parts catch on fire, you know you’ve done one hell of a job.  Oh and you should flip the burger and/or hog dogs every so often yadda yadda yadda.  Don’t forget to serve the meat with other July 4th staples such as beans, potato salad, chips, and cold drinks including Coke, Kool-Aid, sweet tea, and beer.  If you serve beer, get American beer to show your love of America even more.  You don’t want to end up with imported beer because your guest will think that you hate America and Jesus.

Attire:

The attire for the 4th of July is very important.  This is the day where you must wear red, white, and blue, or else you hate America.  It’s that simple.  So grab your American flag designed shirt*, your American flag designed pants*, your American flag designed flip-flops*, your 61 star American flag*, and join the American birthday celebration.  Remember, you can never wear too much clothing featuring the American flag, and anyone who says otherwise is a terrorist, a traitor, or a tolerater of treason.  Now, you may feel bad that Rover doesn’t have any American flag themed clothing that he can wear.  Well, never fear because someone is one step ahead of you:

And remember, if Rover bites you in the crotch after you put this on him, it just means that he loves you, America, and Jesus.

*made in China

Fireworks!!!!!!!!!!!:

Now I come to the most important part of July 4th: the fireworks!  Fireworks are an important part of July 4th ever since the explosiveness of the Revolutionary War when America declared its independence from Britain (or for too many Americans France, Japan, Mexico, Spain, and/or China).  Now, you can merely go to a fireworks show and watch the professionals shoot fireworks then sit in traffic all night long.  However, true red-blooded Americans buy their own fireworks, especially if they live in a state where fireworks are illegal.  After all, there’s such a thrill about celebrating America’s birthday while breaking the law that’s in place in an American state.  Now, the trick to fireworks is quickly lighting them (using Vitamin G if necessary) then taking your time deciding how you’re going to launch em.  Don’t worry, fireworks never explode in your hand.  Nobody has ever lost fingers playing with fireworks or anything.  Plus, your neighbour’s house might catch on fire, and if your neighbour was a terrorist, you’ll be a hero.  Plus, if by the off-chance the fireworks explode in your hand, you get scars.  Then you can make up war stories when the kids ask how you got those scars.  Plus, the fireworks you launch will cause explosions, and explosions are a true sign that you love America, Jesus, puppies, apple pie, and Exxon-Mobile.

So that’s my guide to the fourth of July.  Until next time, remember that you can never have too much Vitamin G.  Happy Independence Day!

So I have a doctor’s appointment later this week, so as a result I’m going to talk about doctors’ appointments.  Many of you have been to a doctor’s appointment before.  The thing is they really don’t change.  The main difference between going to the doctor when I was young and going to the doctor now is the lollipop.  When I went to the doctor as a kid, I got a lollipop at the end for putting up with all the waiting and the shots.  Now when I go to the doctor, the doctor tells me not to eat lollipops or else I may end up with diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, AIDS, SARS, and SIDS.  Did I mention that growing up sucks?  Anyway, most doctors’ appointments follow a certain pattern like so:

  1. Payment – The first thing most doctors’ offices have you do is give them money.  They do this first because they want to get their money in case you run out right before the prostate exam.  Apparently your butt and your wallet have to hurt after the visit.  The amount of hurt your wallet experiences is 100% dependent on what type of health insurance you have.  If you don’t have health insurance, Lord have mercy on your soul.
  2. Waiting in the waiting room – After selling your car to get enough money to pay the doctor, you have to wait an eternity in the waiting room.  Sometimes the doctor’s office wants you to fill out a stack of papers that are thicker than most Congressional bills.  While you try to recount your mass in slugs, sick people are coughing and sneezing and getting their germs everywhere.  Hand sanitizer is your friend at the doctor’s office.  If you don’t have any papers to fill out, you can entertain yourself by reading one of the magazines in the waiting room that from 1978.  Unfortunately, there usually isn’t any magazines that feature video games or naked women.  Good magazines feature video games or naked women.  Everyone knows that.
  3. Waiting in that little room that has the table with the paper on it – After a while, the nurse calls you back, gets your weight, and sends you into a little room.  After the nurse gets things like your temperature, blood pressure, and wallet, he or she leaves the room.  Now, you’re waiting in a room that has no magazines or any other form of entertainment.  This gives you plenty of time to ponder life’s most important questions like “Why am I sitting on paper”, “Why are there no magazines in here” and “Why doesn’t Taco Bell serve beer”.  It would be wise to bring your Game Boy or your Game Gear to keep you occupied.
  4. Talking to the doctor – Now we get down to the heart of the matter, which also happens to be the shortest part of the actual appointment for some reason.  The doctor tends to run some short tests on you, asks how you have been doing, and gives advice that I subsequently ignore like lose weight, quit smoking, and quit urinating in public.  And that’s it.
  5. Make another appointment – You’ll get another six months to disregard  your doctor’s advice before you have to see him or her again.
  6. Get blood work done – As if it wasn’t enough that the doctor’s office wanted your money, they also want your blood.  I wonder if doctors are secretly vampires.  I’m not talking about the pedophile vampires that seem to be popular lately for no known reason.  I’m talking about the vampires that suck blood.  I must be getting old because I remember a time where vampires weren’t pedophile and there were nine planets in our solar system.  What’s this world coming to?
  7. Get your medicine – Now that you got your freshly written prescriptions, it’s time to cash them in for pills.  You may have to wait for the pharmacist to fill the prescriptions, in which case you can read a mini-guide to prostate cancer.  It’s better than Shakespeare I tells ya.  You can also buy crappy pharmacy toys at the pharmacy to give as a half assed last-minute birthday or Christmas gifts.  The point is, don’t get me a Chia-pet for Christmas.

Well that’s all I have for today.  Until next time, remember that Taco Bell doesn’t serve beer for no obvious reason.  Later.