Tag Archive: Mario


Hey everyone, sorry it’s been awhile.  I’ve been busy lately.  Anyway, today’s topic will be about smartphones.  I’m sure many of you have smartphones these days.  I mean, they’re so much better than dumbphones and everything.  Confession time: I don’t think I could deal with life without my smartphone.  It’s better than having to deal with people sometimes.  Anyway, enough about my life, here’s some stuff about smartphones.

  1. Choose a Side and Choose Wisely – There are basically two major smartphone operating systems out there: IOS by Apple and Android by Google.  Now, I’m sure everyone knows this by now, but the two sides are like Coke and Pepsi or Mario and Sonic in that they’re bitter rivals.  Wait, what’s that?  Mario and Sonic competed in the Olympics together?  On more than one occasion?  What is this, I don’t even?  Anyway, the point is that the phone you pick is very important because odds are that you won’t getting another smart phone for a year or two.  Of course, there is Windows Phone, which is the RC Cola of the smartphone world, and I think there’s someone out there who still uses Blackberry, but that might just be an urban legend.
  2. Angry Birds is a Must – One of the main features of smartphones is apps.  I’ll talk more about various apps a little later in the post, but right now I want to focus on one app in particular.  That’s right, I’m talking about Angry Birds.  If you haven’t played Angry Birds, then you’re probably Amish and aren’t reading this anyway.  For the rest of you, I’m sure you’re familiar with Angry Birds.  It’s pretty much available on every type of smartphone out there, as well as on Facebook.  There’s something about destroying flimsy structures that’s oddly satisfying.  Actually, I wish there was a real life version of Angry Birds without the birds and pigs and just me destroying flimsy buildings.  That would be so satisfying.
  3. There’s an App for That – As I mentioned in the previous paragraph, one of the main features of smartphones is the ability to use apps.  If you’re using IOS or Andriod (or possibly Windows Phone), then odds are that there’s an app for anything you can think of.  There are the obvious apps for things like calendar, calculator, and phone, and there are apps for popular games such as Angry Birds, Cut the Rope, and that annoying Candy Crush Saga game that some of my Facebook friends keep inviting me to play.  Seriously, Candy Crush Saga seems to be the new Farmville, which I didn’t play either because of the annoying invites.  Anyway, not all smartphone apps are designed for productivity in mind.  Some apps allow users to do such things as make fart noises.  Isn’t that what technology is all about?  Sure you can use smartphones for important business and all, but fart noises are so much better.
  4. You Must Keep Your Smartphone With You at all Times – What good is a smartphone if you can’t use it?  Exactly.  Smartphones are useful in passing the time at places like airports, waiting rooms, and restaurant dates.  What did we do before smartphones?  Read crappy old magazines?  Yeah, making fart noises with smartphones is much, much better.  If you’re really doing it right, then you should be using your smartphone while walking.  Don’t worry, the cars you’re walking in front of don’t mind.  If they give you the bird, that just means they’re jealous.
  5. Smartphones can be Used as Phones – At least from what I hear.  I think that might just be an urban legend, though.

Well, that’s all I have for now.  Until next time, remember that the main purpose of smartphones is to make fart noises.  See ya later.

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Well, it’s that time of year.  Yes, it’s the time of year where Christmas songs are all over the radio and in the stores.  The thing about Christmas songs is that they are incredibly repetitive.  It seems like the play the same Christmas songs over and over and over and over again.  Every once in a while there’s a new Christmas song, but most of the Christmas tunes on the radio today were written by the dinosaurs.  You gotta admit that the dinosaurs were fairly evolved if they were able to write Christmas songs.  Anyway, some of these songs get annoying after a while.  So let’s go ahead and roll that beautiful bean footage:

  • Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Santa Claus is a stalker.  Why is Santa always watching me?  I’m not that interesting.  Besides, what is this song teaching the kiddies?  That some fat guy in the North Pole is always watching them?  How does Santa watch all the kids of the world all of the time?  He must have some great tracking equipment.  So why does he waste his time watching kids when Bowser keeps stealing the Princess.  I’ve come to the conclusion that the Mushroom Kingdom should hire Santa to guard the Princess.  If Santa is unavailable, then they can get the band The Police to do it.  The point is, don’t get a Chia Pet for Christmas.
  • I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – I saw daddy file for divorce the next day.  As if stalking everyone in the world wasn’t enough, Santa goes and adds insult to injury by cheating on his wife with other married women.  Lets see, Santa stalks little children and kisses their mommies.  Why is he not in prison?
  • Jingle Bell Rock – Now, you may be familiar with Jingle Bells, the song where Batman needs a shower, Robin is about the experience avian motherhood, and the Joker escapes, forms a band, and changes his name to Steve Miller.  Well, there’s a rock version of it.  I use the term rock loosely because there’s not much rock in Jingle Bell Rock.  Now, I understand that the song was made a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away when rock was just beginning.  However, the song has been covered 396,784,586 times since it was created.  Certainly someone covering it could put a kick-ass guitar solo in it or something.  I mean, if this song can have a guitar solo, they why can Jingle Bell Rock?  You know what song lacks a guitar solo?  The infamous rick roll.  I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.
  • We Wish You a Merry Christmas – What the hell is figgy pudding and why should I give you some?
  • Any song about snow or winter weather – These songs may be fine in certain area, but for those of us who live below a certain latitude they are completely inaccurate.  It never snows here during Christmas time.  Get cold weather?  Of course.  Rain?  You bet.  Tornadoes?  It’s been known to happen  Snow?  Wait till March and it may or may not happen (and in recent years it has happen less often than not).
  • It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year – That’s debatable.  I say summer is a better time of year.  This time of year it’s cold and rainy and there’s too many people in the stores trying to kill each other over those motorized hamsters that are popular this year for some reason.  Summer, on the other hand, includes warm weather, roller coaster, and women in bikinis.  I’ll take roller coasters and bikinis over fighting over motorized hamsters any day.
  • Frosty the Snowman – Am I the only one who thinks that flamethrowers would make this song more interesting?
  • The Little Drummer Boy – I don’t recall there being a drummer boy in the Bible during Jesus’ birth.  If there was, I would’ve learned about him is Sunday school.  Granted, they may have taught about him in Sunday school while I was busy sleeping.  You see, I always slept during school, and Sunday school was no exception.  Why do they have school on Sunday anyway?  That’s a question I pondered many of times in my youth.  Actually, if there really was a little drummer boy in the Bible, I probably would’ve been paying attention because drums are cool.  Think about it, if Phil Collins’ In the Air Tonight didn’t have that drum solo toward the end, would it have been as cool?  I rest my case.

Well, that’s all I have for today.  Until next time, remember that drums and guitars make everything better.

If you recall, last time I blogged about finding a job via teh internets.  I had remarked that getting a job had almost nothing to do with education, experience, good references, or the number of $20s you attach to your resume.  Instead, getting a job is very much based on bull shitting.  Now, applying to job ads is just one part of getting a job.  To get many (if not most) jobs, an interview is required.  Now you may be thinking that the interview involves being yourself and not bull shitting.  Well, isn’t that cute.  BUT IT’S WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The job interview requires even more bullshiting.  In my experience, there have been two main styles of job interviews, the group interview and the individual interview.  Both of which I will outline………..now.
The first major type of job interviews is the group interview.  As the name implies, this type of interview is done in a group setting.  This apparently saves the company the time to interview each of the applicants.  After all, time is money.  Many of these interviews consist of a sales pitch similar to those fund-raising presentations that are far too common in public school.  I’m sure many of you remember school fund-raisers.  Heck, some of you are probably still stuck having to do them.  Anyway, remember the sales pitch the companies would use to get you to participate?  IT was something along the lines of sell x products and get y prize!  So of course, you (read: your parents) sell useless crap that nobody really wants anyway in order to get a slinky that would’ve set you back a couple of bux at any general merchandiser store.  But that slinky is oh so special because you didn’t just buy it, you earned it.  Of course, you could earn a slinky by playing several rounds of Skee-Ball at the arcade, and given the choice between pestering my friends and family to buy useless crap that they don’t really want and will never use or playing in the arcade, I’d choose arcade 10 out of 10 times.  Anyway, the point is that many group interviews have the same feel as those fund-raising presentations.  Only, instead of slinkies that you’ll only play with a couple of times and never touch again, the prize involved is money.  You’ll hear of how all it takes is 15 sales a week to get a six figure income.  Of course, they’ll mention about this one guy in Bugtussle, Alabama who made 2 million bux just doing the “business” out of his house.  Oh yeah, they’ll talk about how it is not a job, but rather how it is “owning your own business”.  Now, if I wanted to own a business I sure as hell would not have a boss.  I mean, isn’t one of the reasons to start a business is to be one’s own boss?  Anyway, what they won’t tell you is that said “business opportunity” costs a lot of time and money to even break even, must less earn any money.  I mean, isn’t one of the reason to get a job is to make money?  The time spent at one of these “business opportunities” could be better spent playing Skee-Ball at the arcade.  At least you can get a slinky in the process.
The second type of job interview is the more traditional individual interview.  This is where a hiring manager asks the candidate questions to determine the candidate’s personality.  After all the interviews are over, the powers that be hire the candidate who was the best bull shitter.  Now, there are some questions that seem to be in all job interviews and there are no right answers.  However, there are plenty of wrong answers.  The first question that many interviewers seem to ask is “did you find the place alright?”  Usually the interviewer asks this question if the place is located in the middle of nowhere.  Sometimes the place can be hard to find if the directions are like “go down the road until you see a building.  Turn onto the paved road located near the building and go down the road until you spot some grass, then turn downed the paved road.  Follow that until you see a sign saying ‘speed limit 55’ and the place will be to the side of the road”.  Another question that interviewers tend to ask is “tell us about yourself”.  Now is not the time to mention that DUI you got on New Year’s Eve.  In fact, for this question you have to bullshit your way into thinking that you’re better than sliced bread.  Another question they may ask is “why did you leave your last position?”  Odds are, you were probably laid off so that the CEO would have enough money to give himself a bonus on top of his billions that he already has (God bless America).  However, that answer will guarantee that you remain unemployed and possibly impotent.  Instead, mention something about how you outgrew the old job or something of that nature.  Another question that the interviewer is likely to ask is “why are you interested in this position?”  Never say you want it for the money, even if the only reason you want the entry-level telemarketing job is because it actually pays American money as opposed to scrit.  Instead, you bullshit and say something like how telemarketing is your dream job.  And if telemarketing really is your dream job, more power to you.  Another question that you’ll be likely to hear in a job interview is “what are some of your strengths?”  They want the strengths to be relevant to the job.  You may be able to unlock the Top Secret Area in Super Mario World, but unless you’re applying to either a video game store that sells classic games or Nintendo of America in the early ’90’s, you don’t mention it as a strength.  And no being fashionably late is not a strength.  The next question will likely be “what are some of your weaknesses?”  Now, they don’t want to know your real weaknesses.  This is the biggest bullshit question in most job interviews, as it usually requires positive traits be spun to be negative.  Something like “I’m too punctual” would work.  Something like “I like to masturbate” doesn’t work, even if it is a true weakness.  The final question of almost all interviews is “do you have any questions?”  Every source of career advice says that you should never answer the question with “no”.  Actually, now would be the best time to ask more about the job you are applying to.  Just don’t ask how to unlock the Top Secret Area in Super Mario World.  Well, that’s all I have for today.  Until next time, I’ll be unlocking the Top Secret Area in Super Mario World.