Archive for October, 2010


Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Halloween

Good day to you all.  It’s that time of year again.  That’s right, tomorrow is Halloween!  Ah, I remember Halloween as a kid.  That was the one day of the year that I could take candy from strangers.  That’s got to be confusing to a little kid.  Parents are constantly telling kids not to take candy from strangers if they offer it.  Yet, the whole point of Trick or Treating is to go door to door taking candy from strangers who offer it.  Getting syringe filled candy isn’t the only thing going on for Halloween.  There’s always the pranks one can pull on Halloween.  You could throw toilet paper at the principal’s house, throw raw eggs at the principal’s house, or leave a flaming sack of crap on the principal’s porch.  Or, if you’re really brave (or stupid, or drunk), you can do donuts on the principal’s lawn.  It’s your choice.  Just remember, if anyone asks, you did not get these ideas from me.  Another popular Halloween activity is going to haunted houses.  Haunted houses tend to be a good date idea, as horny teenage girls get to be “scared” and thus snuggle up to horny teenage boys who can “protect” them.  I, however, tend to crack jokes at the people doing the haunting.  It’s a way to work on my crappy stand-up act, which I have not actually started.  There is one important aspect of Halloween I have yet to talk about: the costumes.  There are some costumes that are just bad ideas, like so:

  • Ghost: Nothing says you threw a costume together at the last-minute like ye olde white sheet with two eye holes.  Try for something more creative.
  • Santa Claus: Sure, the stores may put out their Christmas decorations in the middle of September, but that doesn’t mean it is a good idea to mix Christmas and Halloween.  People will be confused and think it’s Christmas already.
  • Fairy Princess: To all the parents out there: this costume doesn’t look right on little Johnny…
  • Police man: People will think you are one of the Village People.  Or a male stripper.  Unless you are one of the Village People or a male stripper, you may not want to wear this costume.
  • Justin Bieber: If you’re over the age of 15, dressing up like Justin Bieber is a sign that you may be a pedophile.  If you’re 15 or younger, dressing up like Justin Bieber is a sign that you may have terrible taste in music.  Either way, just say no to dressing up as Justin Bieber.
  • Cat that looks like Hitler (Kitler): While there may be a site dedicated to cats that look like Hitler, but you’re not a cat and Hitler was an antisemitic asshole.  Do I need to explain more?
  • Nudist: Going nude for Halloween is a bad idea, as it tends to be cold this time of year.  No clothes + cold weather = sickness.  Also, public nudity is kinda illegal in most places.

Well, that’s all to my guide to Halloween.  Until next time, remember to be safe this weekend.  Also, I will test any trick or treat candy to see if there any funny business in it.

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One of the most debated topics on the internets is the topic of religion.  Now, I think arguing religion on the internets is a pointless waste of time.  After all, most of the discussions are like so:

Militant Christian: God is the only answer.  Everything thing else is wrong and your going to Hell if you believe those thing.
Militant Atheist: You still believe in the fairy tale of God.  Your so stupid.  I don’t believe in god therefore I am smrt.
Militant Christian: Your living in sin and going to Hell unless you accept God into your life.
Militant Atheist: Yeah right, like some old dude is sitting on a cloud watching every move I make.  Your stupid and brain-damaged.
Militant Christian: You atheists are all the same.  You don’t want to convert because you want to continue to do your drugs, have unprotected gay sex (which is teh worst sin ever), and listen to your rock and roll bands like Air Supply.
Militant Atheist: You Christians are all the same.  Your all so closed-minded and judgemental.  Why can’t you be tolerant like us atheists?
Reasonable Person: Can’t we all just get along?
MC & MA: stfu

As you can tell from the above dialogue, there are two basic rules of arguing religion on the internets:

  1. Be extremely firm and uncompromising in your beliefs – It doesn’t really matter what your beliefs, the only thing that matters is that you argue them and never stray from arguing the same beliefs.  After all, if you start questioning and examining your beliefs, then you’re thinking.  Remember: thinking=bad, talking points=good.  Besides, questioning your beliefs is a one way ticket to whatever damnation you believe in.
  2. Attack those who believe differently than you – I don’t know if you’ve heard, but people are not supposed to have beliefs that differs from yours.  Remember the rule that the Buddy Bears told you: if you ever disagree it means that you are wrong.  So it is obvious that the people with other beliefs are wrong.  It is you right, nay your duty, to tell them that they are wrong.  The best way to tell them that they are wrong is to insult them.  The idea is that you insult them, they will magically convert to your belief system.  Don’t forget to get personal.

So that’s how you argue religion on the internets.  Of course, what belief system you choose is up to you, and I’m not even going to go into all that on this post.  In fact, I think I’ll end it here.  Until next time, remember that if you ever disagree it means that you are wrong.

Hello and welcome to another installment of Rob of the Sky’s WordPress site.  Today’s lesson will be about arguing politics on the internet.  Before the invention of the internet, arguing politics was limited to face-to-face interactions, with the occasional argument over the phone with Uncle Betty.  Family picnics were a breeding ground for political arguments, with everyone offering their opinions while munching on Aunt Jim’s killer burgers, so named not because they were super delicious or anything, but because they killed three people during the 4th of July picnic back in 1978.  With the invention of the internet comes political arguments with complete strangers.  No longer are political discussions limited to family events.  After a while, the political arguments on the internets tend to take a certain form.  So without further ado, I present a list of steps that you can use to argue with the best of ’em on the internet:

  1. Choose a side and stick with it. It is rather difficult to argue your opinion about a political subject when you have no opinion.  So pick a position and learn all about it.  There are two main positions: liberal and conservative.  There are sub groups within each side, and you could mix and match the two sides or come up with a completely different side all together, but for the sake of this guide, there are two sides.
  2. Start up a political blog, a political discussion on a message board, or write a political email. Once you got your opinions figured out, it is time to spread them to people who may or may not care.  Now, you may be worried that your opinions might not be too well researched.  However, you don’t have to know diddly squat about having reliable information or an informed opinion.  Anonymously written emails, overpaid political pundits, and Wikipedia are perfectly good sources to use when writing blogs, message board discussions, or emails.
  3. Say “I agree” to like-minded responders. These are true America-loving patriots who love freedom and puppies.
  4. Demonize those with opinions different from your own. These are America-hating terrorists who hate freedom and children.  It is your right, nay your duty, to insult these people who don’t agree with you.  Examples of insults that you can use include socialist, communist, racist, traitor, fascist, enemy lover, freedom hater, ignorant, bigot, and stinky poopy head.  Also, name dropping is a requirement.  There are certain people who you want on your side.  These people include Jesus, Martin Luther King Jr, Abraham Lincoln, all the founding fathers, Luke Skywalker, and the Doobie Brothers.  People you want the other side to have include Adolph Hitler, Josef Stalin, Richard Nixon, Osama bin Laden, Darth Vader, and the Jonas Brothers.  Remember, it is only appropriate to get personal.
  5. Blame the main stream media for spreading the opponent’s opinions. The media hates people who think like you and give the ignorant people on the other side their opinion.  After all, the media has a liberal/conservative bias except for Fox News/MSNBC which are the only unbiased news sources.  The main stream media is the reason why all liberals/conservatives are ignorant about how things work in this country, and why only conservatives/liberals know how this nation works, much like the best president ever, Reagan/FDR.
  6. Get people to spread the word. If you are writing an email, ask the people who you send it to forward it to ten people who in turn should forward it to ten people.  If they don’t, the chain will break and no one will know the truth.  If you are on a blog, ask people to link to your blog for maximum exposure.  If you are here on WordPress, become a rec begZ0r.  Whatever, just get the word out.  Again, it is your duty.
  7. Rinse and repeat. Keep on spreading your opinions.

With these seven simple tips in mind, it won’t be long until you, yes you, can argue politics with the best of ’em.  So go, spread the word, have fun, and such.  Until next time, remember that the Doobie Brothers > the Jonas Brothers.