Tag Archive: Santa Claus

Last time on Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Crap, Rob of the Sky wrote about some Christmas songs that are annoying.  This post was so popular, yet there were certain songs that should have been on the list.  Well, Rob of the Sky was never one to half-ass do anything.  Actually, that’s a lie.  Rob of the Sky frequently half-ass does stuff.  The point is…Rob of the Sky doesn’t know what the point is.  So just enjoy a list of more Christmas songs that are annoying.

  • Winter Wonderland – Who the hell is Parson Brown?  Why are pretending the snowman is Parson Brown?  It makes no sense.  In fact, what does this song have to do with Christmas anyway?  It’s more about snow than it is about Christmas.  What does snow have to do with Christmas anyway?  It seems like every Christmas movie has snow in it.  Even “Ernest Save Christmas”, which was set in that great arctic town of Orlando, Florida, had a snow scene.  Apparently the world undergoes severe global cooling on December 25th and December 25th alone every year.
  • Feliz Navidad – Here’s a song with two languages that ha no depth in either language.  The whole song is like two sentences, one in Spanish and one in English, with tons of repetition.  The point is, put more depth into the songs that you’re writing.
  • Silver Bells – Apparently it’s Christmas time only in the city.
  • Last Christmas by Wham! – Wham! is an interesting name for a band.  They could have simply been Wham, but that wasn’t good enough.  No, they had to add an exclamation point after the band name.  How many other bands have exclamation points in their names?  The only other band I can think of that meets that criterion is Panic! at the Disco.  Anyway, back to Wham!  I have a bit of a love-hate feeling about Wham!  I find some of their songs like “Wake me up Before you Gogo” to be incredibly annoying, while at the same time I enjoy some of their songs like “Careless Whisper”.  Unfortunately, “Last Christmas” is in the annoying category.  The song is about a guy who gave away his heart last Christmas, only to find that the girl he gave it to dump his ass the next day in traditional gold-digger style.  This could have easily been a Valentines’s Day song.  Why did the singer give his heart away anyway?  He needs that to, well, live.  After all, you only get one heart, and once it’s gone, you’re gone.
  • Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney – You may know this song as the song that says “simply having a wonderful Christmas time” 459,327,168 times.  For a song writer of McCartney’s caliber, he really did get lazy with this song.  I’ll stick with John Lennon’s “Merry Xmas (War is Over)” instead.

Well, that’s nearly the end of my post.  However, there is one more song I want to talk about.  This song is so annoying that many people feel that any list of annoying Christmas songs is invalidated by the lack of inclusion of this one song.  That song is…wait for it…wait for it…wait for it…

  • Santa Baby – Boy this is a train wreck of a song.  Where do I begin with what is wrong with this song?  Well, for one thing, the woman singing this songs has the unsexiest voice ever.  If the singer wants to turn Santa on, she fails miserably.  It’s not much of a stretch to say that some male singers have a sexier voice than the singer of “Santa Baby”.  And why is she going after Santa anyway?  Santa’s old as dirt.  Then again, some old guys like Hugh Heffner and Bob Barker have young, barely legal women chasing after them.  So I guess in that sense chasing after Santa could work.  Plus old men like Santa have a miracle drug called Viagra that gives them up to four hours of fun with barely legal women.  Still, I don’t think all the Viagra in the world would turn Santa on after listening to “Santa Baby”.  Though he might end up being turned on by listening to “Last Christmas” by Wham! instead.

Well, that it’s for today.   Until next time, remember to have a Happy Fourth of July!

Well, it’s that time of year.  Yes, it’s the time of year where Christmas songs are all over the radio and in the stores.  The thing about Christmas songs is that they are incredibly repetitive.  It seems like the play the same Christmas songs over and over and over and over again.  Every once in a while there’s a new Christmas song, but most of the Christmas tunes on the radio today were written by the dinosaurs.  You gotta admit that the dinosaurs were fairly evolved if they were able to write Christmas songs.  Anyway, some of these songs get annoying after a while.  So let’s go ahead and roll that beautiful bean footage:

  • Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Santa Claus is a stalker.  Why is Santa always watching me?  I’m not that interesting.  Besides, what is this song teaching the kiddies?  That some fat guy in the North Pole is always watching them?  How does Santa watch all the kids of the world all of the time?  He must have some great tracking equipment.  So why does he waste his time watching kids when Bowser keeps stealing the Princess.  I’ve come to the conclusion that the Mushroom Kingdom should hire Santa to guard the Princess.  If Santa is unavailable, then they can get the band The Police to do it.  The point is, don’t get a Chia Pet for Christmas.
  • I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – I saw daddy file for divorce the next day.  As if stalking everyone in the world wasn’t enough, Santa goes and adds insult to injury by cheating on his wife with other married women.  Lets see, Santa stalks little children and kisses their mommies.  Why is he not in prison?
  • Jingle Bell Rock – Now, you may be familiar with Jingle Bells, the song where Batman needs a shower, Robin is about the experience avian motherhood, and the Joker escapes, forms a band, and changes his name to Steve Miller.  Well, there’s a rock version of it.  I use the term rock loosely because there’s not much rock in Jingle Bell Rock.  Now, I understand that the song was made a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away when rock was just beginning.  However, the song has been covered 396,784,586 times since it was created.  Certainly someone covering it could put a kick-ass guitar solo in it or something.  I mean, if this song can have a guitar solo, they why can Jingle Bell Rock?  You know what song lacks a guitar solo?  The infamous rick roll.  I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.
  • We Wish You a Merry Christmas – What the hell is figgy pudding and why should I give you some?
  • Any song about snow or winter weather – These songs may be fine in certain area, but for those of us who live below a certain latitude they are completely inaccurate.  It never snows here during Christmas time.  Get cold weather?  Of course.  Rain?  You bet.  Tornadoes?  It’s been known to happen  Snow?  Wait till March and it may or may not happen (and in recent years it has happen less often than not).
  • It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year – That’s debatable.  I say summer is a better time of year.  This time of year it’s cold and rainy and there’s too many people in the stores trying to kill each other over those motorized hamsters that are popular this year for some reason.  Summer, on the other hand, includes warm weather, roller coaster, and women in bikinis.  I’ll take roller coasters and bikinis over fighting over motorized hamsters any day.
  • Frosty the Snowman – Am I the only one who thinks that flamethrowers would make this song more interesting?
  • The Little Drummer Boy – I don’t recall there being a drummer boy in the Bible during Jesus’ birth.  If there was, I would’ve learned about him is Sunday school.  Granted, they may have taught about him in Sunday school while I was busy sleeping.  You see, I always slept during school, and Sunday school was no exception.  Why do they have school on Sunday anyway?  That’s a question I pondered many of times in my youth.  Actually, if there really was a little drummer boy in the Bible, I probably would’ve been paying attention because drums are cool.  Think about it, if Phil Collins’ In the Air Tonight didn’t have that drum solo toward the end, would it have been as cool?  I rest my case.

Well, that’s all I have for today.  Until next time, remember that drums and guitars make everything better.

Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Halloween

Good day to you all.  It’s that time of year again.  That’s right, tomorrow is Halloween!  Ah, I remember Halloween as a kid.  That was the one day of the year that I could take candy from strangers.  That’s got to be confusing to a little kid.  Parents are constantly telling kids not to take candy from strangers if they offer it.  Yet, the whole point of Trick or Treating is to go door to door taking candy from strangers who offer it.  Getting syringe filled candy isn’t the only thing going on for Halloween.  There’s always the pranks one can pull on Halloween.  You could throw toilet paper at the principal’s house, throw raw eggs at the principal’s house, or leave a flaming sack of crap on the principal’s porch.  Or, if you’re really brave (or stupid, or drunk), you can do donuts on the principal’s lawn.  It’s your choice.  Just remember, if anyone asks, you did not get these ideas from me.  Another popular Halloween activity is going to haunted houses.  Haunted houses tend to be a good date idea, as horny teenage girls get to be “scared” and thus snuggle up to horny teenage boys who can “protect” them.  I, however, tend to crack jokes at the people doing the haunting.  It’s a way to work on my crappy stand-up act, which I have not actually started.  There is one important aspect of Halloween I have yet to talk about: the costumes.  There are some costumes that are just bad ideas, like so:

  • Ghost: Nothing says you threw a costume together at the last-minute like ye olde white sheet with two eye holes.  Try for something more creative.
  • Santa Claus: Sure, the stores may put out their Christmas decorations in the middle of September, but that doesn’t mean it is a good idea to mix Christmas and Halloween.  People will be confused and think it’s Christmas already.
  • Fairy Princess: To all the parents out there: this costume doesn’t look right on little Johnny…
  • Police man: People will think you are one of the Village People.  Or a male stripper.  Unless you are one of the Village People or a male stripper, you may not want to wear this costume.
  • Justin Bieber: If you’re over the age of 15, dressing up like Justin Bieber is a sign that you may be a pedophile.  If you’re 15 or younger, dressing up like Justin Bieber is a sign that you may have terrible taste in music.  Either way, just say no to dressing up as Justin Bieber.
  • Cat that looks like Hitler (Kitler): While there may be a site dedicated to cats that look like Hitler, but you’re not a cat and Hitler was an antisemitic asshole.  Do I need to explain more?
  • Nudist: Going nude for Halloween is a bad idea, as it tends to be cold this time of year.  No clothes + cold weather = sickness.  Also, public nudity is kinda illegal in most places.

Well, that’s all to my guide to Halloween.  Until next time, remember to be safe this weekend.  Also, I will test any trick or treat candy to see if there any funny business in it.