Archive for September, 2010

Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Being a Pirate!

Ahoy mateys!  As you can see, my entry will be dealing with becoming a pirate.  Since it’s International Talk Like a Pirate Day, I was thinking “what’s better than talking like a pirate?”  Being an actual pirate!  So without further ado, here’s Rob of the Sky’s guide to being a pirate:

  1. To be a pirate, an internet connection is a requirement.  It’s not easy being a pirate with teh internets.  So go ahead and leach off your neighbor’s wi-fi connection.  Just remember that you didn’t hear that last sentence from me.
  2. You got internets?  Good, now you will need to download a torrent program.  Torrent program allow you to download good stuff like spyware, music, spyware, movies, spyware, games, spyware, porn, spyware, secret government documents, spyware, and adware.  Just remember you didn’t hear this from me.
  3. Now you need to download the torrents.  Torrents are the actual files themselves.  Usually, torrents include entire cd’s, which makes piracy easier.  Keep remembering that you didn’t hear this from me
  4. What you do at this point depends on what media you are pirating.  If you are making bootlegged cd’s or dvd’s, you’ll need blank cd’s or dvd’s and a disc drive that lets you write cd’s and/or dvd’s.  Just insert the blank disc into your disc drive, open your favourite media player (Winamp), and click on the place where you can record the cd of dvd.  Again, nothing from here you heard from me.
  5. If you are pirating video games, you’ll need to buy a bunch of crappy 3rd party Nintendo 64 controllers and somehow put the games in the controller.  You’ll probably need a special device for this.  Also, you didn’t hear it from me.
  6. Find a place to sell you warez.  A good place to sell warez is the flea market, as anyone can sell anything there.  People will quite literally sell their garbage at flea markets.  Another place to sell pirated goods is eBay, which is pretty much the flea market of the internets.  If you are a really savvy pirate, you can sell at the mall in one of those stands that’s in the middle of the corridors.  The pirates who sell in malls usually sell the pirated “game system” that advertises over 10,000 games on one controller, only for the suckers who buy it to realize that there are only like 10 games on the controller and the rest of the games are various language variations.  Now I must say that you didn’t hear any of this stuff from me.

Well, I hope this guide was helpful to all those would-be pirates out there.  Shut up, it is a good guide.  Until next time remember that I cannot be held liable if any of this information gets you in trouble with the law.

If you recall, last time I blogged about finding a job via teh internets.  I had remarked that getting a job had almost nothing to do with education, experience, good references, or the number of $20s you attach to your resume.  Instead, getting a job is very much based on bull shitting.  Now, applying to job ads is just one part of getting a job.  To get many (if not most) jobs, an interview is required.  Now you may be thinking that the interview involves being yourself and not bull shitting.  Well, isn’t that cute.  BUT IT’S WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The job interview requires even more bullshiting.  In my experience, there have been two main styles of job interviews, the group interview and the individual interview.  Both of which I will outline………
The first major type of job interviews is the group interview.  As the name implies, this type of interview is done in a group setting.  This apparently saves the company the time to interview each of the applicants.  After all, time is money.  Many of these interviews consist of a sales pitch similar to those fund-raising presentations that are far too common in public school.  I’m sure many of you remember school fund-raisers.  Heck, some of you are probably still stuck having to do them.  Anyway, remember the sales pitch the companies would use to get you to participate?  IT was something along the lines of sell x products and get y prize!  So of course, you (read: your parents) sell useless crap that nobody really wants anyway in order to get a slinky that would’ve set you back a couple of bux at any general merchandiser store.  But that slinky is oh so special because you didn’t just buy it, you earned it.  Of course, you could earn a slinky by playing several rounds of Skee-Ball at the arcade, and given the choice between pestering my friends and family to buy useless crap that they don’t really want and will never use or playing in the arcade, I’d choose arcade 10 out of 10 times.  Anyway, the point is that many group interviews have the same feel as those fund-raising presentations.  Only, instead of slinkies that you’ll only play with a couple of times and never touch again, the prize involved is money.  You’ll hear of how all it takes is 15 sales a week to get a six figure income.  Of course, they’ll mention about this one guy in Bugtussle, Alabama who made 2 million bux just doing the “business” out of his house.  Oh yeah, they’ll talk about how it is not a job, but rather how it is “owning your own business”.  Now, if I wanted to own a business I sure as hell would not have a boss.  I mean, isn’t one of the reasons to start a business is to be one’s own boss?  Anyway, what they won’t tell you is that said “business opportunity” costs a lot of time and money to even break even, must less earn any money.  I mean, isn’t one of the reason to get a job is to make money?  The time spent at one of these “business opportunities” could be better spent playing Skee-Ball at the arcade.  At least you can get a slinky in the process.
The second type of job interview is the more traditional individual interview.  This is where a hiring manager asks the candidate questions to determine the candidate’s personality.  After all the interviews are over, the powers that be hire the candidate who was the best bull shitter.  Now, there are some questions that seem to be in all job interviews and there are no right answers.  However, there are plenty of wrong answers.  The first question that many interviewers seem to ask is “did you find the place alright?”  Usually the interviewer asks this question if the place is located in the middle of nowhere.  Sometimes the place can be hard to find if the directions are like “go down the road until you see a building.  Turn onto the paved road located near the building and go down the road until you spot some grass, then turn downed the paved road.  Follow that until you see a sign saying ‘speed limit 55’ and the place will be to the side of the road”.  Another question that interviewers tend to ask is “tell us about yourself”.  Now is not the time to mention that DUI you got on New Year’s Eve.  In fact, for this question you have to bullshit your way into thinking that you’re better than sliced bread.  Another question they may ask is “why did you leave your last position?”  Odds are, you were probably laid off so that the CEO would have enough money to give himself a bonus on top of his billions that he already has (God bless America).  However, that answer will guarantee that you remain unemployed and possibly impotent.  Instead, mention something about how you outgrew the old job or something of that nature.  Another question that the interviewer is likely to ask is “why are you interested in this position?”  Never say you want it for the money, even if the only reason you want the entry-level telemarketing job is because it actually pays American money as opposed to scrit.  Instead, you bullshit and say something like how telemarketing is your dream job.  And if telemarketing really is your dream job, more power to you.  Another question that you’ll be likely to hear in a job interview is “what are some of your strengths?”  They want the strengths to be relevant to the job.  You may be able to unlock the Top Secret Area in Super Mario World, but unless you’re applying to either a video game store that sells classic games or Nintendo of America in the early ’90’s, you don’t mention it as a strength.  And no being fashionably late is not a strength.  The next question will likely be “what are some of your weaknesses?”  Now, they don’t want to know your real weaknesses.  This is the biggest bullshit question in most job interviews, as it usually requires positive traits be spun to be negative.  Something like “I’m too punctual” would work.  Something like “I like to masturbate” doesn’t work, even if it is a true weakness.  The final question of almost all interviews is “do you have any questions?”  Every source of career advice says that you should never answer the question with “no”.  Actually, now would be the best time to ask more about the job you are applying to.  Just don’t ask how to unlock the Top Secret Area in Super Mario World.  Well, that’s all I have for today.  Until next time, I’ll be unlocking the Top Secret Area in Super Mario World.

In this down economy, job hunting is all too common of an event for people such as myself.  Everyday job seekers must sift through dozens of job openings in hopes that their dream job, or any job at all, is around the corner.  Yet job hunting is one of the most fruitless tasks one can do.  The average job seeker must endure dozens, if not hundreds, of rejections before hearing that elusive yes to a job that probably wasn’t your ideal when you first began job hunting.  Now, you might think that your skills, previous work history, or college diploma will help you in getting a job.  However, all of those things are useless.  Getting a job is entirely based on how well you bull shit.  That’s it.  Being able to bull shit potential employers into giving you that job is how the job hunting process works.  Now, you’re not the only party who is doing the bull shitting.  Too many job opportunities try to out bull shit the people bull shitting them to get them to work a very bull shittery job.  They usually put out job ads that sound much better than the job really is.  In fact, here’s a psudo-chart of what potential employers say and what they really mean:

What potential employers say:
1.Have an exciting career in sanitation engineering!
2.Earn unlimited income!
3.Work for a Fortune 500 company!
4.No experience needed!
5.Hiring immediately!
6.Don’t miss out on this business opportunity!
7.We will review your resume and contact you if interested.
8.We appreciate you interest in the company…
9.However, we’ve given the job to someone who better suits our needs.

What they really mean:
1.You’ll be a  garbage man.
2.Work long hours for little money and no benefits.
3.Though we aren’t one.
4.We can pay less!
5.We hire anyone who will pay us.
6.This is a pyramid scheme.
7.We’ll barely glance at your resume before throwing it away.
8.Why did you waste our time applying here.
9.Go fuck yourself.

Now that I’ve become the bane of every employers’ existence, I’m going to talk about the various job postings that an average job seeker might run into online.  You see, the internet has more than just porn and more porn.  There are some websites devoted to job hunting, like Monster, Careerbuilder, and Craigslist.  These sites save the job seeker from driving around trying to find help wanted signs in an economy where there are more store closing signs than help wanted signs.  However, there are some job ads of dubious value on these sites.  The first type of job ad with dubious value is the job ad that requires tons of qualifications for little pay.  An example of such a job post would be:

Position requires a PhD in Astrophysics, 40 years of sanitation engineering experience, familiarity with Microsoft Office, C++, HTML, BASIC, and Commodore 64 technology.  Pay is $8 an hour.

With these job ads, it’s like the employer doesn’t want to hire anyone for the position.  In fact, I wonder if people are posting fake jobs for the reason of giving people’s hopes up.  Anyway, another type of job posting that really grinds my gears is the type of job posting that doesn’t actually say what the job is, like so:

No experience!  No problem!  We welcome recent college grads!  You’ll be promoted to your own office in months!  Paid training!

These job ads make it seem like they are offering an exciting job in marketing.  Yet, they are usually glorified door-to-door sells job, selling coupon books to random businesses in the area.  I’m not making that up.  I also like how these jobs advertise that training is paid.  Really?  You mean I can get paid for my time and labor?  Wow, and here I though I was supposed to work for free.  Maybe there would be an economic system developed around the concept of being paid to work.  Maybe the money one makes from working can be used to purchase goods and services.  Perhaps this economic system could be called Capitalism.  It might catch on.  Nah, it’s too radical of an idea.  Anyway, the final type of job posting I’ll be focusing on is the job posting with typos.  Now, it is important to have absolutely no typos in your resume.  All the job hunt help sites tell you not to have typos in your resume.  It is bad for you to have typos in your resume.  There is nothing worse than having typos in your resume.  Having typos in your resume will prevent you from getting a job and getting laid.  If you have any typos in your resume whatsoever, you are worse than Hitler, Stalin, and Walt Disney put together.  FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DO NOT HAVE ANY TYPOS IN YOUR RESUME.  At this point, you’re probably wishing that I’d shut up about not having typos in your resume.  Yet, I did that to make a point, which is that everybody whose career is in helping people find jobs will tell you that the number one sure-fire way that you will not get a job is to have typos in your resume.  That’s unfortunately not to say that a typo free resume will land you a job.  Remember, bull shitting is what lands you a job.  However, typos in the resume can’t be corrected via bull shit.  Anyway, it really grinds my gears when I see job ads with typos.  I’m like “wow, there’s a typo in this job ad.  Now, I am required to have a typo free resume, but they have a typo on their job ad.  That makes me want to apply there…NOT!” or in the style of Borat “that makes me want to apply there not.”  I’d give an example, but my post is already becoming too long.  So now I will end this post before it suffers from tl;dr-ism.  Stay tuned for part 2 of Rob of the sky’s guide to Finding a Job, where I will talk about job interviews.  Until them, peace out!