Tag Archive: humor


So it’s been awhile since I’ve posted.  I’m sorry.  Actually, I’m not really all that sorry at all.  Anyway, today’s lesson will be about getting women.  Let me ask you a question: are you a loser?  The correct answer is yes, you are.  So was I at one point in time.  I was doing nothing to show that I liked the girls, then would be jealous of the assholes who would date them.  You know the ones I’m talking about, the assholes who talk to women and junk.  So I devised a technique that would guarantee that you, yes you, would get the girl of your dreams.  If you follow the steps below, you will get the girl.  I guarantee it, which is something that The Men’s Warehouse can’t even do anymore.  You may be wondering why I’m helping you when I can have all the women to myself.  Well, I want to share the wealth and am in no way intending to charge you bundles of money for my advanced techniqu…wait, forget I mentioned that last part.  Anyway, here are the steps to take to become less of a loser and more of a winner:

  1. To be the man, just declare yourself so – Of course, you’ll need to get the terminology right.  For instance, the term for The Man is alpha male.  Now, you may remember the term alpha male from biology class, but if you don’t, the alpha male is that one male in the herd that all the females want.  Now, yours truly is an alpha male.  He is also a beta male, delta male, pi male, and phi male.  However, I’m still working on being a sigma male and gamma male.  Anyway, all you have to do to be an alpha male is say that you’re an alpha male.  Heck, just keep saying it to everyone you meet and you might just get the women you want with this step alone.  However, you should use the rest of the steps, such as…
  2. Women are Stupid, Throw Insults at em – Something that you may not have learned in biology class is that women are stupider than men.  It’s scientific fact that I did not just make up to make me sound smarter than I am.  Nope, it’s true.  Men are smarter.  This of course means that you can’t treat women like you would treat other men.  What do you think they are, people?  Anyway, women don’t respond to reason like men do.  Instead, they respond well to insults.  Yes, when you meet a woman who you’d like to have, you should insult her, especially about her looks and weight.  Now, she may act like she’s offended by your insults, but that’s just one of those games women play.  She secretly enjoys it, but she can’t let you know that because she likes the chase.  Now, you may have heard from women and inferior beta males that you should compliment women instead.  That doesn’t work because women hear compliments all the time and are thus immune by them.
  3. State Your Demands Early and Often – Now lets say you’re at a bar and you’re thirsty from a long day of doing manly things such as lifting, working out, or playing Pokemon cards.  You see a girl you like, so what do you do?  Odds are, you’ll say buy her a drink too.  Well, isn’t that cute?  BUT IT’S WRONG!!!!!!!  No, you demand that she buys you a drink.  This shows that you’re a true alpha male who gets what he wants when he wants and um…why he wants, or something like that.  Besides, if you buy her a drink, then she’ll expect that you’ll buy her flowers and jewelry and something off of the Dollar Menu at McDonald’s and then you’ll be broke in no time flat.  This way, you’ll have a refreshing drink and all your money.  Everyone who matters is happy.  This technique also works once you have that woman of your dreams.  If you’re hungry, you should yell to her in the kitchen (which is where she is to be at all times because it’s her place) to make you a sandwich.  Sure, you could slap together some meat in between two pieces of bread, but that’s hard work and women are made to do that anyway.
  4. Trash Talk Women in General – There’s nothing women love more than when you put down their whole gender.  Yes, you should air all your grievances about all women to every woman you meet.  Remember, women are the cause to all of your misery in life.  Get rejected by a women in your past?  It was her fault for not see how much of a nice guy you were.  Woman claimed you raped her?  She’s probably just trying to file a fake rape report and will claim that she said no several times (which really means that she just really wanted it).  Candy bar got stuck in the vending machine at work?  Well, that probably has little to do with women and more to do with a faulty vending machine.  Still, you can blame women for that $1.25 that you lost anyway.
  5. All Women Want You all the Time – As I mentioned earlier, women like to play games.  They may not act like they’re interested in you, but they totally are because you’re an alpha male, dawg.  Did I really just type that?  Anyway, sure she may say no or try to push you away or mace you medieval style, but she’s simply playing hard to get.  She wants to be with you, but she wants you to earn it.  So keep on keeping on, and you’ll have her in no time.  Remember, restraining orders just mean you have to work even hard to get her.

So, that’s my technique.  It should work, because it’s supposed to work 100% of the time without exception.  However, if it doesn’t, than you can order my completely affordable Advanced Pick-Up Program.  For the low, low price of 12 moderately difficult payments of $26.47, you’ll get:

  • A dictionary of all of the pick-up terms you’ll need to know
  • A list of pick-up lines that are guaranteed to get any woman ever with just a few words
  • A series of videos staring yours truly using his technique so that you can follow along
  • A random Pokemon card.  This has nothing to do with getting women, I just have too many of these in my basement
  • And the confidence to know that you’ll be able to get the women of your dreams

So what are you waiting for?  Go out and pick up women today.  Until next time, remember that I’m not responsible for anything bad that happens to you if you use my technique.  Peace out.

Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Clickbait

Hey everyone, hope you’re all doing alright in bloggy land.  You’ll never believe what happened to me!  Do I have you hooked yet?  Well, you’ll find out what happened to me at the end of the post.  Until then, I’m going to talk about clickbait.  If you’ve ever spent more than five seconds on the internet, you’ve seen headlines that hook you into craptacular articles.  According to the person in charge of the internet, this is called clickbait.  Seems like clickbait has infested Facebook recently with links to crappy sites like Buzzfeed, Upworthy, and Facebook.  It seems like clickbait takes a few forms, like so:

  • You won’t believe what happens next – This seems to be the only way people ever get to Upworthy.  Usually, someone will post an article that starts out with an innocent sentence like “this blind homeless veteran lost his pet dog” followed by those 6 overused words.  You are supposed to click the link to find out the answer, but who the hell cares anymore?  Seriously, does anyone still click on these links?  We all know that the homeless vet is going to find his dog.  The end.
  • Which X are you – This is common on Facebook.  You’ll see links like “which Harry Potter character are you” or “Which Beatle are you” or “Which solar system do you belong in” plastered all over the newsfeed.  Technically, nobody that I’m friends with is any of these things at all.  Most of us are just average joes who don’t have lives interesting enough to ever be part of these quizzes.  Besides, they aren’t really an original idea.  Back when I first did Xanga (back in 2005), people took similar quizzes on some possibly defunct website and posted the results on their Xanga site.  Buzzfeed just ripped it off.  At least people on Xanga these days don’t post Buzzfeed quizzes, but that’s because Xanga is basically a pay site these days anyway with fools who paid $48 a year to do what I’m doing on here and have done on there for many years for free.  Anyway, it’s not like Buzzfeed is all that original anyway…
  • X number of things only y group gets – This is another Buzzfeed thing.  Such titles include “25 things only 90z kidz will understand” or “10 things only cashiers will get” or “68 things only people who attended Idaho Falls High School in Idaho Falls, Idaho will know about”.  The problem is that these lists are usually just pics with a sentence or two about each pic.  They really don’t have much in the way of content or depth.  Not to mention that these lists appeal to an audience that’s either way too broad (like pretty much the 90s kidz one, as one would hope that most people above the age of 20 would remember the 90s) or too narrow (like limited to a certain city or school).  The thing is list sites can have a bit of content and still work, like Cracked.  Also, this site exists too.
  • Group X hates him! – This is probably more spammish than it is clickbait, but I still consider it clickbait.  Usually found on the side of Facebook in the ads, this will be a link that will be like “Economists hate him” or “Doctors hate him” or “Pedophiles hate him” (in the last case, they’re talking about Chris Hansen).  The idea is that someone will have discovered a major, groundbreaking secret to things like making money, losing weight, and beating the Water Temple in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, that will make you life easier and bankrupt those who profit off of what you couldn’t do before.  110% of the time, this is complete crap.  Oh, and the Group X in the bullet point should not be confused with these guys.
  • Has the cure for [insert medical malady] just been found? – No.  No it hasn’t

Well, that’s all I have for now.  Oh, and nothing happened to me.  I just wanted to hook you in so that you’d read my post.  I’m not sorry about that at all.  Anyway, until next time, remember that Buzzfeed hates Rob of the Sky.

Hey everyone, sorry it’s been awhile.  I’ve been busy lately.  Anyway, today’s topic will be about smartphones.  I’m sure many of you have smartphones these days.  I mean, they’re so much better than dumbphones and everything.  Confession time: I don’t think I could deal with life without my smartphone.  It’s better than having to deal with people sometimes.  Anyway, enough about my life, here’s some stuff about smartphones.

  1. Choose a Side and Choose Wisely – There are basically two major smartphone operating systems out there: IOS by Apple and Android by Google.  Now, I’m sure everyone knows this by now, but the two sides are like Coke and Pepsi or Mario and Sonic in that they’re bitter rivals.  Wait, what’s that?  Mario and Sonic competed in the Olympics together?  On more than one occasion?  What is this, I don’t even?  Anyway, the point is that the phone you pick is very important because odds are that you won’t getting another smart phone for a year or two.  Of course, there is Windows Phone, which is the RC Cola of the smartphone world, and I think there’s someone out there who still uses Blackberry, but that might just be an urban legend.
  2. Angry Birds is a Must – One of the main features of smartphones is apps.  I’ll talk more about various apps a little later in the post, but right now I want to focus on one app in particular.  That’s right, I’m talking about Angry Birds.  If you haven’t played Angry Birds, then you’re probably Amish and aren’t reading this anyway.  For the rest of you, I’m sure you’re familiar with Angry Birds.  It’s pretty much available on every type of smartphone out there, as well as on Facebook.  There’s something about destroying flimsy structures that’s oddly satisfying.  Actually, I wish there was a real life version of Angry Birds without the birds and pigs and just me destroying flimsy buildings.  That would be so satisfying.
  3. There’s an App for That – As I mentioned in the previous paragraph, one of the main features of smartphones is the ability to use apps.  If you’re using IOS or Andriod (or possibly Windows Phone), then odds are that there’s an app for anything you can think of.  There are the obvious apps for things like calendar, calculator, and phone, and there are apps for popular games such as Angry Birds, Cut the Rope, and that annoying Candy Crush Saga game that some of my Facebook friends keep inviting me to play.  Seriously, Candy Crush Saga seems to be the new Farmville, which I didn’t play either because of the annoying invites.  Anyway, not all smartphone apps are designed for productivity in mind.  Some apps allow users to do such things as make fart noises.  Isn’t that what technology is all about?  Sure you can use smartphones for important business and all, but fart noises are so much better.
  4. You Must Keep Your Smartphone With You at all Times – What good is a smartphone if you can’t use it?  Exactly.  Smartphones are useful in passing the time at places like airports, waiting rooms, and restaurant dates.  What did we do before smartphones?  Read crappy old magazines?  Yeah, making fart noises with smartphones is much, much better.  If you’re really doing it right, then you should be using your smartphone while walking.  Don’t worry, the cars you’re walking in front of don’t mind.  If they give you the bird, that just means they’re jealous.
  5. Smartphones can be Used as Phones – At least from what I hear.  I think that might just be an urban legend, though.

Well, that’s all I have for now.  Until next time, remember that the main purpose of smartphones is to make fart noises.  See ya later.

Hello once again, WordPress.  Yeah, it’s been awhile.  In fact, it’s been two years since I’ve last graced the site with one of my posts.  Now, the both of you who still follow my blog may be wondering why I’m reviving this site after a two year vacation.  Well, the answer has absolutely nothing with the impending demise of Xanga, which is where I’ve been hanging out.  No WordPress, you aren’t a rebound.  I swear.  So anyway, due to reviving my WordPress, I have been thinking about how people revive their blog sites.  It seems like a lot of blog revivals fit into one of the following:

  • I forgot About my Blog – This seems to be the most common type of blog revival.  Somehow the person with the blog has somehow forgotten that they signed up for it.  Usually involves a forgotten password, as they tend to sign up and then not log in for a long time.  They usually start off a blog post stating that they forgot about the blog, then finish with the actual blog post.  After that, they usually don’t post again for a long time, with of course another post about how they forgot their blog.
  • The Real Life Blogger – This blogger tends to have a busy “real life” and thus has no time to actually blog.  As a result, this blogger will start each of their many revival post explaining how they have a busy life and that’s what’s keeping them from blogging.  Then of course they tend to not blog again for a long time, because their busy lives apparently won’t let them.
  • The Slacker – This blogger knows that it’s been awhile since they’ve blogged, and they claim to have no excuses as to why they haven’t blogged in a long time.  Sometimes they promise that they’ll blog regularly, but they usually don’t keep this promise.
  • Non-revival Revival – Sometimes a blogger will create a new blog post after a lengthy absence and will not mention where they’ve been or what they’ve been up to during that time.  It’s like time stopped for them and they just continue blogging like normal, unaware that so much time has passed.  This is perhaps the strangest type of blog revival there is, mainly because it doesn’t feel like a revival at all.

Well, that’s all I have for my first post in two years on WordPress.  Until next time, remember that if I don’t blog on here for another two years, it means that I either have a life or forgot my password.  Goodbye everyone.

Well, it looks like I’ve taken another unplanned hiatus.  Hopefully, I’ll be back to blogging more consistently soon, but for now here’s a blog post about the July 4th.  So July is here, and you know what that means.  That’s right, July 4th is coming up.  Yes, July 4th is the day that the US celebrates it birthday and the rest of the world does nothing special.  As an American, I will be celebrating the 235th birthday of this country.  Being that I’ve been around the Independence Day block a time or two, I have composed a guide of do’s and do even more’s of this holiday.  So sit back, grab some freedom fries, and enjoy!

Cookouts:

I’ll start off my guide with everyone’s favorite topic: food.  Food is a very important part of this holiday.  Hell, food is a very important part of every American holiday.  I think there was even a feast this past Arbor Day.  Anyway, the main course of any July 4th meal has to be grilled meat, usually hot dogs and hamburgers.  Now, there are two ways to grill the meat.  You can lay the meat on the side-walk and let the incredibly hot temperatures do their work.  However, it’s more fun to use an actual gill for one reason: gas (or Vitamin G as Homer Simpson calls it).  If you only remember one thing from this part of the blog post, remember that you can never have too much Vitamin G.  Having too much Vitamin G is like loving America too much in that it is simply impossible.  If you disagree it means that you are wrong (and probably a terrorist).  Anyway, to cook your hamburgers and/or hot dogs, just put some charcoal in the grill, throw the meat on the grill, use several gallons of Vitamin G (remembering that you can never use too much), light the charcoal, and watch the explosion.  If your house catches on fire, you know you’ve done a good job.  If any of your body parts catch on fire, you know you’ve done one hell of a job.  Oh and you should flip the burger and/or hog dogs every so often yadda yadda yadda.  Don’t forget to serve the meat with other July 4th staples such as beans, potato salad, chips, and cold drinks including Coke, Kool-Aid, sweet tea, and beer.  If you serve beer, get American beer to show your love of America even more.  You don’t want to end up with imported beer because your guest will think that you hate America and Jesus.

Attire:

The attire for the 4th of July is very important.  This is the day where you must wear red, white, and blue, or else you hate America.  It’s that simple.  So grab your American flag designed shirt*, your American flag designed pants*, your American flag designed flip-flops*, your 61 star American flag*, and join the American birthday celebration.  Remember, you can never wear too much clothing featuring the American flag, and anyone who says otherwise is a terrorist, a traitor, or a tolerater of treason.  Now, you may feel bad that Rover doesn’t have any American flag themed clothing that he can wear.  Well, never fear because someone is one step ahead of you:

And remember, if Rover bites you in the crotch after you put this on him, it just means that he loves you, America, and Jesus.

*made in China

Fireworks!!!!!!!!!!!:

Now I come to the most important part of July 4th: the fireworks!  Fireworks are an important part of July 4th ever since the explosiveness of the Revolutionary War when America declared its independence from Britain (or for too many Americans France, Japan, Mexico, Spain, and/or China).  Now, you can merely go to a fireworks show and watch the professionals shoot fireworks then sit in traffic all night long.  However, true red-blooded Americans buy their own fireworks, especially if they live in a state where fireworks are illegal.  After all, there’s such a thrill about celebrating America’s birthday while breaking the law that’s in place in an American state.  Now, the trick to fireworks is quickly lighting them (using Vitamin G if necessary) then taking your time deciding how you’re going to launch em.  Don’t worry, fireworks never explode in your hand.  Nobody has ever lost fingers playing with fireworks or anything.  Plus, your neighbour’s house might catch on fire, and if your neighbour was a terrorist, you’ll be a hero.  Plus, if by the off-chance the fireworks explode in your hand, you get scars.  Then you can make up war stories when the kids ask how you got those scars.  Plus, the fireworks you launch will cause explosions, and explosions are a true sign that you love America, Jesus, puppies, apple pie, and Exxon-Mobile.

So that’s my guide to the fourth of July.  Until next time, remember that you can never have too much Vitamin G.  Happy Independence Day!

So it’s my triumphant return to WordPress!  Yay!  Ok, maybe not.  I’m actually going out-of-town tomorrow to meet-up with a girl who I’ve talked to on the internet.  Since I’m going away for the week, I thought it would only be appropriate to talk about modern-day coin collecting.  Ya see, in the past decade or so the government has been printing various special designs for many of its coin denominations, from the 1 cent penny to the 1 dollar coins.  So without further ado, I’m going to talk about the various special designs from the past decade in the order of which they first appeared:

  • The 50 State Quarters – I remember when the first state quarters came out.  The kids at my school, including myself, were collecting these new quarters of what few states were out at the time.  It was even more exciting because my state was one of the first five coins available in 1999, which was the first year of the program.  The interesting thing was that coin collecting became popular because of the 50 state quarter program, especially among younger people.  Before the 50 state quarter program, coin collecting was mostly done by older guys with too much time on their hands.  The 50 state quarter program brought the hobby from impotent old guys to just about everyone, even spanning a whole industry of map boards in which to place the quarters.  In fact, there were two things most kids were collecting back in 1999: state quarters and Pokemon cards (of which I could write a whole blog post about in and of itself).  By 2001, most people were collecting neither.  And coin collecting went back to the domain of old guys with too much time and money.
  • The Lewis and Clark Nickels – There’s not much to say about this program.  I believe the coins were released to celebrate the 200th year anniversary of Lewis’ and Clark’s famous journey out west.  Now, Journey would be an interesting subject for coins.  Alas, we have to deal with Lewis and Clark instead (not to be confused with Lois and Clark of Superman fame).  This particular series kinda fell under the radar and never really found the success that the 50 state quarter program had.  Nevertheless, there was a nickel in the series that has a buffalo on the tales side that got some attention because it was similar to the buffalo head nickel of yore, which is apparently really popular amongst coin collectors.
  • The Presidents Dollar Coins – This series was released to try to capitalize on the popularity of the 50 state quarter program, and to get people to spend dollar coins.  So far, it has failed in both respects.  It has generated some controversy, though.  I first heard of the program via complains that “In God We Trust” was removed from the coins.  Four points related to that: 1) the phrase was placed on the side of the coins 2) Nobody uses dollar coins 3) I don’t think people are thinking of God when they are spending their money on beer, porno, lottery ticket, hookers, or Madonna CD’s and 4) Nobody still uses dollar coins no matter how many times the government tries to introduce them into circulation.  I don’t get it: there’s supposedly not enough money to provide all Americans with affordable healthcare, yet the government keeps printing coins that no one will use.  In fact, the only way I can see dollar coins ever catching on with the general public is when the paper dollar is removed from circulation.  I can’t see Congress banning the paper dollar.  After all, the paper dollar slides so much better down women’s panties than the dollar coins do.  Now, there could be some interest in this series.  If you like an obscure president, like Taylor, Tyler, Van Buren, Harding, or Ford, then you’ll finally be able to see them on a coin.  Of course, the program only covers dead presidents, so Obama won’t be on a coin, which will probably make you either very sad or very happy.
  • The Lincoln’s 200th Birthday Pennies – Yes, even the lowly penny get its own program.  Ole Abe Lincoln turned 200 back in 2009, and to celebrate the government is printing up special pennies featuring various scenes from his life.  These pennies don’t seem to be as popular as the 50 state quarter program, even though pennies are extremely common in our money.  I guess it’s because a penny can’t buy anything anymore.  The only thing interesting one can do with a penny besides spend it is get it smashed into a souvenir via one of those pennies crushing machines that you see at every tourist attraction.  What better way to relive the memory of riding the Hulk at Universal Islands of Adventure than by betting a smashed penny with a picture of the hulk and a roller coaster on it.  Well, besides re-riding the Hulk over and over again.  And believe me, any coaster fan will want to ride the Hulk over and over and over again, it’s that good.  Though getting a smashed penny really didn’t help relive the memory of falling off of the Goliath at Six Flags over Georgia.  It seems you can get smashed pennies everywhere.  The Bugspit Museum of Farts probably has a machine that will turn your pennies into a work of art.  Now, I wonder if these new pennies will mess up the designs on the smashed pennies?  I really should try that out one day.

Well, that’s all I have for today.  Until next time, if you’re upset that your dollar coins lack “In God We Trust” on the front of them, you can send them to me.

Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Spring

Hey everyone, so I was going to write this post earlier this week, but then I thought my blog was going to shut down.  I worked hard to negotiate and making backroom deals to try to keep my blog from shutting down because I wanted my paycheck (even though I made up some bullshit about the people and all).  Well, a deal was reached at the 11th hour and I was able to keep my blog until the next threat, which will probably happen next year.  Until then, I am here to provide you the entertaining blogging I pretty much never do anyway.  Anyway, as you can tell, today’s lesson will be about spring.  Yes, it’s that time of year when the snow melts and the golf-ball size hail falls.  This is when the weather gets warm and people get out and play in the golf-ball size hail.  There’s a lot that I could write about spring, so I will do just that.  Roll that beautiful bean footage:

  • Pollen gets everywhere – The worst part of spring is the pollen.  I think we all know what pollen looks like, but I’ll explain how it looks anyway.  Pollen is the yellow dust that gets on anything that’s outdoors and turns it yellow.  It doesn’t matter what colour your car usually is, it becomes yellow in the spring.  Now, this would only be a minor annoyance if the pollen didn’t flare up people’s allergies.  Oh how the allergies flare up this time of year  Being sick sucks, especially when the weather starts to get good.  It’s just not fair, dammit!  At least pollen season doesn’t last too long, which is a good thing.
  • It’s time for America’s favourite past time – That’s right, it’s professional wrestling baseball season.  Yes, America’s favourite excuse for drinking beer is in full swing.  Whether you’re watching a little league game or the Bankees lose to a team with less money, you can sit back and crack open a cold one to drink away your boredom.  Of course, you could actually play the sport.  However, if you’re like me, you can’t hit the ball very well.  It wouldn’t matter if I could hit the ball because I’d be too busy texting a certain superheroine drinking beer, farting, and beating my chest in a manly fashion to make it to first base at a rapid pace.  Well, anyway here’s a song about baseball:
  •  


(hey, I actually got a song right for once!)

  • Hate the weather?  Wait 5 minutes, it’ll change – This time of year is notorious for severe weather, such as thunderstorms, hail, tornadoes, and sometimes even blizzards.  It can be nice all day, but once the night starts the bad weather comes in like something that comes in fast.  What’s really fun is driving while the bad weather comes in.  There’s nothing like watching hail ping off of your car while you’re traveling down the road, and then the sun coming out making all the hail melt and turn into steam.  That was an interesting day.
  • Spring Break forever! – Spring break is an annual American tradition where college students go to far away places to get drunk.  You see, it’s not enough to get drunk in your little town or college town.  No, you must go to the beach to do so.  Where I live, going to Florida is the thing to do during spring break.  I finally got to do that during my senior year of college (well, I also went to Florida for a band trip during the spring break of my junior year in high school, but that doesn’t really count), but I was so doped up on allergy medicine (thanks to me being allergic to dogs and staying at a place that had three indoor dogs) that I really couldn’t drink at all.  I did make it to Universal Orlando though, so it wasn’t a complete waste.
  • Holidays – There are several holidays during the spring, such as Good Friday and Cinco de Mayo.  The most well known holiday during this season is Easter.  Easter is the celebration of Jesus rising from the dead, so of course it’s celebrated in the most appropriate manner, which is getting candy from rabbits and searching for eggs.  Easter always falls on a Sunday, but it’s not the same Sunday every year.  Sometimes it comes in March, but it mostly comes in April.  I have no idea why there’s no consistency in when Easter happens, but I think it’s just to mess with us.

Well, that’s all I have for today.  Until next time, remember to be good or the Easter Bunny won’t come down your chimney and leave money under your pillow.  Smell ya later!

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve updated.  I’ve have a lot going on in my life right now, so I haven’t had time to update.  Sorry about that.  Anyway, For this day I have decided to make an epic post.  In fact, this post is so epic that I can’t contain it all here.  Thus, you will have to click on the link to see my epic April Fool’s Day post!

Click here for great justice!

Today I went to the grocery store to get a card for my dad’s birthday. One of the things I noticed is that there are now greeting cards for St. Patrick’s Day. This inspired me to write about greeting cards, so I did. I think everyone has bought and received greeting cards in their lifetimes. Whether it’s for a birthday, a graduation, the death of a loved one, or an overly commercialized holiday, greeting cards are always present in life. Now, something I’ve noticed is how boring greeting cards tend to be. Many of them say the same things like “happy birthday” or “sorry for your loss”. If I were in charge of the world, I would soup up the greeting card industry by creating greeting cards the world has never seen. Some of the greeting cards I would create would be the following (note: the red text would be the inside of the cards):

So you’ve recently lost a loved one…
Here’s to hoping they left you plenty of money in the will!

Sorry I missed your birthday…
But those 8 months were really busy.

Congratulations for graduating high school…
If someone as dumb as you can do that, the public school system is a joke.

Happy Father’s Day…
P.S. I need money.

Happy Valentines Day…
I can’t wait for the amazing sex we’re having tonight.

Congratulations for 15 years of working at the company…
By the way, clear out your desk, you’re fired.

Seasons greetings…
And stay far, far away from granny’s fruitcake.

Just thinking of you…
Where’s that money you owe me?

Happy Leif Erikson Day…
Hey, the greeting card company needs money too.

Yep, my ideas would totally make the greeting card industry more interesting. If anyone from Hallmark is reading this, I am available for hire. So until next time, remember to stay far, far away from granny’s fruitcake.

So the other day I went to McDonald’s to get supper.  Since I was getting food for a few people, I went through the drive-thru, which took way longer than it should have.  Ah yes, the drive-thru, proof that man has run out of good ideas and is just throwing shit on the wall to try to see what sticks.  I wonder who came up with the drive-thru.  I could imagine the inventor of the drive-thru being like “I’m too lazy to leave my car to walk into the McDonald’s.  I think I’ll invent a way to make it so people like me can get food without leaving the car”.  Thus the drive-thru was born.  Now, imagine you are at a drive-thru.  How does the process go?  You pull up to the drive-thru and you hear robot or what sounds like a robot asking if he/she/it can take your order.  So you would order something like a number 6 with no mayo, mustard, or peanut butter.  Isn’t great to live in a nation where you can order food by number?  We don’t even have to use words like hamburger, taco, fried chicken, or escargot anymore.  God bless America.  So anyway, you place your order and the robot thingie tells you your total.  However, these machines are programmed so that there is always static when the time to tell you your total comes.  It never fails.  However, the machine is clear as day when they ask if you want to try something you didn’t order to begin with, usually an apple pie.  If I wanted an apple pie, I would’ve ordered an apple pie.  I wonder if the managers of these fast food joints threaten to withhold the paychecks of their employees unless they ask everybody if they want an apple pie?  So anyway, you make it to the little window where you hand the money over to the restaurant and they short change you.  Then, you go to the window where you receive your food.  So you finally got your food and you look in the bag and see that instead of getting the number six that you ordered, you got the manager’s hat.  So you get out of the car and go into the restaurant, defeating the whole purpose of the drive-thru.  So much for that invention.  Anyway, you go up to the minimum wage worker and you explain to him or her that you ordered food and got a hat instead.  So they finally, finally give you your proper order and offer an apple pie.  Well, that’s all I have for today.  Until next time, I’m going to McDonald’s and try to order a hamburger without ham.  Oh, and no post about the drive-thru is complete without that Weird Al Yankovic hit “Trapped in the Drive Thru”.