In this down economy, job hunting is all too common of an event for people such as myself.  Everyday job seekers must sift through dozens of job openings in hopes that their dream job, or any job at all, is around the corner.  Yet job hunting is one of the most fruitless tasks one can do.  The average job seeker must endure dozens, if not hundreds, of rejections before hearing that elusive yes to a job that probably wasn’t your ideal when you first began job hunting.  Now, you might think that your skills, previous work history, or college diploma will help you in getting a job.  However, all of those things are useless.  Getting a job is entirely based on how well you bull shit.  That’s it.  Being able to bull shit potential employers into giving you that job is how the job hunting process works.  Now, you’re not the only party who is doing the bull shitting.  Too many job opportunities try to out bull shit the people bull shitting them to get them to work a very bull shittery job.  They usually put out job ads that sound much better than the job really is.  In fact, here’s a psudo-chart of what potential employers say and what they really mean:

What potential employers say:
1.Have an exciting career in sanitation engineering!
2.Earn unlimited income!
3.Work for a Fortune 500 company!
4.No experience needed!
5.Hiring immediately!
6.Don’t miss out on this business opportunity!
7.We will review your resume and contact you if interested.
8.We appreciate you interest in the company…
9.However, we’ve given the job to someone who better suits our needs.

What they really mean:
1.You’ll be a  garbage man.
2.Work long hours for little money and no benefits.
3.Though we aren’t one.
4.We can pay less!
5.We hire anyone who will pay us.
6.This is a pyramid scheme.
7.We’ll barely glance at your resume before throwing it away.
8.Why did you waste our time applying here.
9.Go fuck yourself.

Now that I’ve become the bane of every employers’ existence, I’m going to talk about the various job postings that an average job seeker might run into online.  You see, the internet has more than just porn and more porn.  There are some websites devoted to job hunting, like Monster, Careerbuilder, and Craigslist.  These sites save the job seeker from driving around trying to find help wanted signs in an economy where there are more store closing signs than help wanted signs.  However, there are some job ads of dubious value on these sites.  The first type of job ad with dubious value is the job ad that requires tons of qualifications for little pay.  An example of such a job post would be:

Position requires a PhD in Astrophysics, 40 years of sanitation engineering experience, familiarity with Microsoft Office, C++, HTML, BASIC, and Commodore 64 technology.  Pay is $8 an hour.

With these job ads, it’s like the employer doesn’t want to hire anyone for the position.  In fact, I wonder if people are posting fake jobs for the reason of giving people’s hopes up.  Anyway, another type of job posting that really grinds my gears is the type of job posting that doesn’t actually say what the job is, like so:

No experience!  No problem!  We welcome recent college grads!  You’ll be promoted to your own office in months!  Paid training!

These job ads make it seem like they are offering an exciting job in marketing.  Yet, they are usually glorified door-to-door sells job, selling coupon books to random businesses in the area.  I’m not making that up.  I also like how these jobs advertise that training is paid.  Really?  You mean I can get paid for my time and labor?  Wow, and here I though I was supposed to work for free.  Maybe there would be an economic system developed around the concept of being paid to work.  Maybe the money one makes from working can be used to purchase goods and services.  Perhaps this economic system could be called Capitalism.  It might catch on.  Nah, it’s too radical of an idea.  Anyway, the final type of job posting I’ll be focusing on is the job posting with typos.  Now, it is important to have absolutely no typos in your resume.  All the job hunt help sites tell you not to have typos in your resume.  It is bad for you to have typos in your resume.  There is nothing worse than having typos in your resume.  Having typos in your resume will prevent you from getting a job and getting laid.  If you have any typos in your resume whatsoever, you are worse than Hitler, Stalin, and Walt Disney put together.  FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DO NOT HAVE ANY TYPOS IN YOUR RESUME.  At this point, you’re probably wishing that I’d shut up about not having typos in your resume.  Yet, I did that to make a point, which is that everybody whose career is in helping people find jobs will tell you that the number one sure-fire way that you will not get a job is to have typos in your resume.  That’s unfortunately not to say that a typo free resume will land you a job.  Remember, bull shitting is what lands you a job.  However, typos in the resume can’t be corrected via bull shit.  Anyway, it really grinds my gears when I see job ads with typos.  I’m like “wow, there’s a typo in this job ad.  Now, I am required to have a typo free resume, but they have a typo on their job ad.  That makes me want to apply there…NOT!” or in the style of Borat “that makes me want to apply there not.”  I’d give an example, but my post is already becoming too long.  So now I will end this post before it suffers from tl;dr-ism.  Stay tuned for part 2 of Rob of the sky’s guide to Finding a Job, where I will talk about job interviews.  Until them, peace out!

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