Tag Archive: valentines day


Today I went to the grocery store to get a card for my dad’s birthday. One of the things I noticed is that there are now greeting cards for St. Patrick’s Day. This inspired me to write about greeting cards, so I did. I think everyone has bought and received greeting cards in their lifetimes. Whether it’s for a birthday, a graduation, the death of a loved one, or an overly commercialized holiday, greeting cards are always present in life. Now, something I’ve noticed is how boring greeting cards tend to be. Many of them say the same things like “happy birthday” or “sorry for your loss”. If I were in charge of the world, I would soup up the greeting card industry by creating greeting cards the world has never seen. Some of the greeting cards I would create would be the following (note: the red text would be the inside of the cards):

So you’ve recently lost a loved one…
Here’s to hoping they left you plenty of money in the will!

Sorry I missed your birthday…
But those 8 months were really busy.

Congratulations for graduating high school…
If someone as dumb as you can do that, the public school system is a joke.

Happy Father’s Day…
P.S. I need money.

Happy Valentines Day…
I can’t wait for the amazing sex we’re having tonight.

Congratulations for 15 years of working at the company…
By the way, clear out your desk, you’re fired.

Seasons greetings…
And stay far, far away from granny’s fruitcake.

Just thinking of you…
Where’s that money you owe me?

Happy Leif Erikson Day…
Hey, the greeting card company needs money too.

Yep, my ideas would totally make the greeting card industry more interesting. If anyone from Hallmark is reading this, I am available for hire. So until next time, remember to stay far, far away from granny’s fruitcake.

So the 14th of February is approaching rapidly.  You know what that means?  That’s right, the Super Bowl is over.  Oh, and a little holiday called Valentine’s Day is coming up.  It’s that day of the year where guys give their sweethearts chocolate, flowers, and jewelry so that they get laid in return.  Also, it’s the day where people who aren’t getting laid have to be reminded of this fact every 3.5 seconds.  Anyway, I have decided to make this guide even though I’ve had little experience in this dating thing.  Of course, having little experience has never stopped me before.  Anyway, here’s my guide to Valentine’s Day:

  • First thing’s first: overpriced crap is the name of the game – Many people complain that this is a Hallmark holiday, and well they’re right.  With all the things that are sold during this holiday, like chocolates, flowers, cards, alcohol, and condoms, people might forget the reason for the season which is…um…let me get back to you on that.
  • Kids shall give everyone in their class a Valentine – I remember when I was in school we had to give everyone a Valentine, which was little more than pointless busy work.  I mean, we had to write the name and seal in the envelope 30 or so Valentines and then we had to make a paper mailbox the next day to place the Valentines.  It’s all a load of crap.  At least there was usually a party on V-day, so that was fun.
  • Remember to use protection – Appropriately, the section following elementary school antics will be about safe sex.  We all know that Valentine’s Day was designed for people to get laid.  I mean, what other reason could Valentine’s Day exist?  Exactly.  Now, if you don’t want another family member come November, then you should practice safe sex by using whatever birth control you like to use.  Remember, condoms are your friends.
  • Thou shalt wear pink and red – Since the human heart tends to be a reddish colour in textbook diagrams, red would be an appropriate colour for Valentine’s Day.  As for Pink, well it tends to be a stereotypical girl colour and a lot of girls like Valentine’s Day, so pink is also a colour that appears on the overpriced crap that the store sell this time of year.
  • Romantic music is a must – There are thousands of love songs out there.  It shouldn’t be too hard to pick one out for your sweetheart.  Here’s my choice for a romantic song:
    (I’m not too good at picking out romantic songs)

    Well, that’s my guide to Valentine’s Day.  Until next time, remember that the dog house is no place to spend Valentine’s Day.  Have a good Valentine’s Day!