So there’s this little known website called Facebook.com.  I don’t know if you’ve heard of it, but it’s this cool social networking site that’s only available to certain colleges.  It’s the talk of those campuses!  Oh wait, this isn’t 2005 anymore.  Now Facebook is the number one non-Google site that has taken over the world.  It seems like everyone’s on Facebook, from grandparents to babies.  Damn that Mark Zuckerburg for taking what was a cool hangout spot on the internet and making it all lame by attracting parents and annoying little siblings to it.  For all you parents out there, if there’s something your teen likes that you disapprove of, the best way to get them to hate it is by you liking it.  Lets say your kids listens to Lady Gaga or Justin Bieber or John Phillip Sousa and you don’t like them listening to those musicians, then you start listening to those musicians when they’re around.  I guarantee they’ll move on to another pop singer that you disapprove of in no time flat.  Anyway, I’m having a hard time coming up with a clever segue, so here’s a bunch of crap about Facebook:

  1. Facebook is the place to stalk everyone from high school – If you’re like me, you went to high school with hundreds if not thousands of people.  Now, in the past many people went their own separate ways after graduation, not keeping up with their former classmates until the 10th year reunion where everyone lied about their success.  With the invention of Facebook, you can friend people you barely knew in high school and see what they’re doing these days.  You can look at their Facebook profiles and see that the captain of the football team got a job flipping burgers at McDonald’s, the head cheerleader got a job flipping burgers at Burger King, and the really nerdy kid who was really into John Phillip Sousa got into Harvard, graduated at the top of his class, and then got a job flipping burgers at Wendy’s.  With that success Dr. John Zoidberg would be envious.
  2. There is no such thing as TMI on Facebook – Just got totally wasted at the party?  Instant Facebook status.  Have hot and steamy sex with a hooker last night?  That’s perfect fodder for a status update.  Scratching your itchy balls?  Status update!  Just threw up in front of the President?  Then you make a game out of updating your status before you appear on the 5 o’clock news.  There’s no limit to the embarrassing stuff that you can put on Facebook.  If you are looking for a job, however, then those status updates can work against you in a court of job interview (and it does feel like going for a job interview is like going to court these days).
  3. Poking is an art – While there have been several changes to Facebook over the years, one thing that has remained the same is the poke.  The poke was designed to be a not so subtle flirting technique, but there are far more applications to the poke than just flirting.  There’s also poke wars, where you repeatedly poke someone over and over again until they get tired and quit poking back.  Then you can declare victory.  Of course, some people don’t stop poking back, but instead write on your wall to stop poking them. When this happens, you must not stop poking them, as you’ve done pwned them. Poking them becomes even more fun, as you’re clearly annoying them.  Of course, all the fun and games of poking come to an end when the person you’re poking on Facebook pokes you in the eye with a fork in real life.
  4. You must complain when Facebook changes its layout every 2.5 seconds – People tend to be resistant to change.  This is a common fact of life, yet someone at the Facebook headquarters in Dracula’s Castle apparently didn’t get that memo.  I’ve never seen a site change its layout as many times as Facebook has.  In fact, they seem to change their layout more often than some people change their underwear.  Every time Facebook changes its layout, thousands of its users complain, and every time the users’ complaints fall on Mark Zuckerburg’s deaf ears.  Maybe Facebook should stick with one layout for a while, maybe finishing this candy bar before starting another.
  5. Facebook apps are designed to bother your friends – A few years ago, Facebook introduced apps.  Now, this seemed like a good idea at the time, but unfortunately they made it too easy to send app invites to all your friends.  What happens is that the friends get annoyed by all the spam and end up hating everything in life.  The worst of these spam apps are games.  Many of the more well-known games on Facebook end in -ville, such as Farmville, Yoville, Frontierville, Cityville, and Bothertheshitoutofyourfriendsville.  Oh how I hate Farmville.  I want to destroy all those virtual farms and curse the day that retched game was born.  Anyway, if it’s not games that’s the subject of app spam, then it’s the annoy surveys like “Which city do you belong in”, “Which Twilight character are you”, and “Which Facebook app annoys you the most”.  It’s a small wonder why I spend less time on Facebook these days.

Well, that’s Facebook in a nutshell.  There’s more to Facebook than what I’ve outlined here, but unwanted Farmville invites are annoying me too much for me to dive into more of Facebook’s features.  Until next time, remember to keep your damn Farmville invites to yourself!

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