Today I went to the grocery store to get a card for my dad’s birthday. One of the things I noticed is that there are now greeting cards for St. Patrick’s Day. This inspired me to write about greeting cards, so I did. I think everyone has bought and received greeting cards in their lifetimes. Whether it’s for a birthday, a graduation, the death of a loved one, or an overly commercialized holiday, greeting cards are always present in life. Now, something I’ve noticed is how boring greeting cards tend to be. Many of them say the same things like “happy birthday” or “sorry for your loss”. If I were in charge of the world, I would soup up the greeting card industry by creating greeting cards the world has never seen. Some of the greeting cards I would create would be the following (note: the red text would be the inside of the cards):

So you’ve recently lost a loved one…
Here’s to hoping they left you plenty of money in the will!

Sorry I missed your birthday…
But those 8 months were really busy.

Congratulations for graduating high school…
If someone as dumb as you can do that, the public school system is a joke.

Happy Father’s Day…
P.S. I need money.

Happy Valentines Day…
I can’t wait for the amazing sex we’re having tonight.

Congratulations for 15 years of working at the company…
By the way, clear out your desk, you’re fired.

Seasons greetings…
And stay far, far away from granny’s fruitcake.

Just thinking of you…
Where’s that money you owe me?

Happy Leif Erikson Day…
Hey, the greeting card company needs money too.

Yep, my ideas would totally make the greeting card industry more interesting. If anyone from Hallmark is reading this, I am available for hire. So until next time, remember to stay far, far away from granny’s fruitcake.

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