Archive for February, 2011


So the other day I went to McDonald’s to get supper.  Since I was getting food for a few people, I went through the drive-thru, which took way longer than it should have.  Ah yes, the drive-thru, proof that man has run out of good ideas and is just throwing shit on the wall to try to see what sticks.  I wonder who came up with the drive-thru.  I could imagine the inventor of the drive-thru being like “I’m too lazy to leave my car to walk into the McDonald’s.  I think I’ll invent a way to make it so people like me can get food without leaving the car”.  Thus the drive-thru was born.  Now, imagine you are at a drive-thru.  How does the process go?  You pull up to the drive-thru and you hear robot or what sounds like a robot asking if he/she/it can take your order.  So you would order something like a number 6 with no mayo, mustard, or peanut butter.  Isn’t great to live in a nation where you can order food by number?  We don’t even have to use words like hamburger, taco, fried chicken, or escargot anymore.  God bless America.  So anyway, you place your order and the robot thingie tells you your total.  However, these machines are programmed so that there is always static when the time to tell you your total comes.  It never fails.  However, the machine is clear as day when they ask if you want to try something you didn’t order to begin with, usually an apple pie.  If I wanted an apple pie, I would’ve ordered an apple pie.  I wonder if the managers of these fast food joints threaten to withhold the paychecks of their employees unless they ask everybody if they want an apple pie?  So anyway, you make it to the little window where you hand the money over to the restaurant and they short change you.  Then, you go to the window where you receive your food.  So you finally got your food and you look in the bag and see that instead of getting the number six that you ordered, you got the manager’s hat.  So you get out of the car and go into the restaurant, defeating the whole purpose of the drive-thru.  So much for that invention.  Anyway, you go up to the minimum wage worker and you explain to him or her that you ordered food and got a hat instead.  So they finally, finally give you your proper order and offer an apple pie.  Well, that’s all I have for today.  Until next time, I’m going to McDonald’s and try to order a hamburger without ham.  Oh, and no post about the drive-thru is complete without that Weird Al Yankovic hit “Trapped in the Drive Thru”.

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Well, it’s already Monday in my particular area. This particular Monday is unusual though because it’s Presidents’ Day. Yes, it’s that special day where…um…the government and the banks don’t operate because MLK Day was over a month ago and the next major holiday is like Good Friday. Besides Presidents’ Day is better than Valentine’s Day. Think about it, how often did you have Valentine’s Day off of school? Only if it fell on the weekend. Now, how often did you get Presidents’ Day off? I rest my case. Anyway, there are a few things to say about Presidents’ Day, and they are so:

1. Presidents’ Day is more that just an excuse to get out of school – Ok, I’m a filthy liar. So sue me.
2. It’s also the day where we celebrate men like Millard, Ulysses, Rutherford, Grover, Teddy, Woodrow, Lyndon and Barack – Our president’s sure have had some weird names.
3. Umm…You don’t have to worry about checking the mail that day – That’s got to count for something. Right?

Well, that’s all I have for my guide to Presidents’ Day, except for the music. So sit back and enjoy this great Presidents’ Day tune:

(I’m not good at picking out presidential songs.)

So the 14th of February is approaching rapidly.  You know what that means?  That’s right, the Super Bowl is over.  Oh, and a little holiday called Valentine’s Day is coming up.  It’s that day of the year where guys give their sweethearts chocolate, flowers, and jewelry so that they get laid in return.  Also, it’s the day where people who aren’t getting laid have to be reminded of this fact every 3.5 seconds.  Anyway, I have decided to make this guide even though I’ve had little experience in this dating thing.  Of course, having little experience has never stopped me before.  Anyway, here’s my guide to Valentine’s Day:

  • First thing’s first: overpriced crap is the name of the game – Many people complain that this is a Hallmark holiday, and well they’re right.  With all the things that are sold during this holiday, like chocolates, flowers, cards, alcohol, and condoms, people might forget the reason for the season which is…um…let me get back to you on that.
  • Kids shall give everyone in their class a Valentine – I remember when I was in school we had to give everyone a Valentine, which was little more than pointless busy work.  I mean, we had to write the name and seal in the envelope 30 or so Valentines and then we had to make a paper mailbox the next day to place the Valentines.  It’s all a load of crap.  At least there was usually a party on V-day, so that was fun.
  • Remember to use protection – Appropriately, the section following elementary school antics will be about safe sex.  We all know that Valentine’s Day was designed for people to get laid.  I mean, what other reason could Valentine’s Day exist?  Exactly.  Now, if you don’t want another family member come November, then you should practice safe sex by using whatever birth control you like to use.  Remember, condoms are your friends.
  • Thou shalt wear pink and red – Since the human heart tends to be a reddish colour in textbook diagrams, red would be an appropriate colour for Valentine’s Day.  As for Pink, well it tends to be a stereotypical girl colour and a lot of girls like Valentine’s Day, so pink is also a colour that appears on the overpriced crap that the store sell this time of year.
  • Romantic music is a must – There are thousands of love songs out there.  It shouldn’t be too hard to pick one out for your sweetheart.  Here’s my choice for a romantic song:
    (I’m not too good at picking out romantic songs)

    Well, that’s my guide to Valentine’s Day.  Until next time, remember that the dog house is no place to spend Valentine’s Day.  Have a good Valentine’s Day!

Well, it’s the entry you all have been waiting for.  That’s right, it’s the semi-exciting conclusion to my guide to Vegas.  As you may recall, part one of Rob of the Sky’s guide to Vegas dealt solely with gambling.  Given the popularity of part one, I decided to go ahead and do part two.  Actually, that was a lie.  Part one was my least popular post on here to date.  Anyway, without further ado, here’s part two of Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Vegas:

While gambling may be the main draw to Vegas, there is so much more that Vegas has to offer.  Buffets, shows, roller coasters, and hookers are just some of the things that make the Vegas experience complete.  There’s no way I could cover it all, but I’ll try anyway, like so:

  • Scenery – The Vegas strip contains giant casinos that take the shape of various world landmarks, including a giant pyramid, a castle, and the skylines of New York and Paris, among others. This is a way to see the world if actually seeing the world is too damn expensive and Wikipedia just doesn’t cut it.
  • Shows – What better way to stay in the air conditioning than watching one of various shows that Vegas has to offer.  There are many different shows there.  The most common are magic shows.  These shows offer magicians doing trick using white tigers.  Apparently white tigers are the most magical animal ever, or at least more magical than their orange counterparts.  Another common type of shows are the shows involving washed-up music superstars.  This is where the pop idols of the ’50’s and ’60’s (and sometimes ’70’s) go to finish their careers.  Mostly old ladies and myself go to shows like these.  Another type of show that I like to go to is the shows that feature stand-up comedians.  Generally these comedians are relatively unknown, though sometimes well-known comedians appear in Vegas (at higher prices, of course).
  • Alcohol – I alluded to this subject during part one, and for good reasons.  Alcohol is the water of Vegas.  It’s everywhere.  If you are a teetotaler, you might have a bit of a problem in Vegas, as it seems like everyone offers you alcohol.  You can’t go too far in Vegas without seeing someone drinking.  One word of advise: try to limit the drinking while gambling, else you might spend your life’s saving in one sitting.
  • Buffets – What better way to eat that to load up your plate while standing in line?  Now, I got to admit that I got my fill of buffets while in college, as the cafeteria was buffet style.  Still, buffets are a major part of Vegas, as most casinos contain at least one buffet restaurant.  So you might as well make the most of it.  Besides, most buffets offer free refills, which can be a godsend in the desert.  And what goes better with buffets than…
  • Roller Coasters –  Now, Vegas doesn’t have the Hulk Roller Coaster or anything of that caliber.  The roller coasters there may be overpriced.  They might not have a variety of coasters.  Still, riding roller coasters can be a fun way to spend the day in Vegas, especially if you are underage.  My favorite coasters there involves paying a slightly higher fee to ride all day.  And ride all day I do.  Unless I fall off one of the coasters, then I get to go to the…
  • Emergency Room – Where you go if you have too much fun in Vegas.  Well, either the emergency room or jail.
  • Wedding Chapels – Have you ever wanted to have a big wedding where all of your family and friends are there watching you and subsequently have a huge reception where all of the families and friends dance to the music?  If not, than the chapels of Vegas may be for you.  Who makes a better minister than Elvis?  Exactly.  He also provides great music, which makes weddings fun!
  • Sex – You can score in more than one way in Vegas.  Like gambling and alcohol, sex is a way of life in Vegas.  There are so many ways to become aroused in Vegas that it isn’t funny.  Don’t have a partner?  Well, if you don’t mind risking catching STD’s, you can hire a hooker.  Hookers are all over Las Vegas, and unlike other places, they tend to be in lighted areas.  That makes it easier for you to shop around so that you find that right fit.

Well, I hoped you enjoyed this guide to Vegas.  Until next time, remember to properly restrain yourselves while riding roller coasters.