Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Christmas Presents

It’s Christmas week, which means everyone will be opening presents in a few days.  Now, we all know that the main reason for the season is to give and receive presents.  Well, it’s really supposed to be about the birth of Jesus, but the holiday is so commercialized that the religious aspect is pushed to the back burner.  Anyway, presents are extremely important in the modern Christmas experience.  Thus, it is important to give a good gift.  The following is a list of gifts that are not always a good idea to give.  If it is the thought that counts, then I gotta wonder what the people who give the following gifts were thinking.  So without further ado, I present gifts you should think twice before buying:

• Chia Pets – Despite what the commercials say, Chia Pets do not make a wonderful gift.  I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who enjoy Chia Pets.  Those who enjoy Chia Pets must be out there though.  After all, they keep advertising Chia Pets on television.  Or perhaps Chia Pets continue to get made because people buy them as a half-ass last-minute Christmas gift.  The point is, don’t get me a Chia Pet for Christmas.
• Gym Membership/Equipment – If any gift hits below the belt, it is the gym membership or gym equipment.  The person who is giving the gift is not so subtly telling the recipient that he or she is larger than most safari animals.  There are better ways to break it to a loved one that they are getting a little pudgy around the waistline than giving them a Christmas gift that they would probably find insulting.  The point is, don’t get me a Chia Pet for Christmas.
• Christmas Stuff – The temptation to get something Christmassy for a friend or loved one is certainly there, as the stores tend to start selling Christmas stuff in September.  However, while the ornament that you get your friend may look good, they won’t be able to use it for another year, and that’s no fun.  Perhaps the exception to this rule is Christmas Specials on DVD, which can be watched on Christmas day and then forgotten about until spring cleaning 2015.  Of course, if the Christmas special in question is the Star Wars Christmas Special, then it is still a bad gift idea.
• Lottery Tickets – Lottery tickets are a horrible Christmas present because most of the time the lottery tickets are losers.  Thus giving lottery tickets as a gift is often times the same as not giving a gift at all.  What’s worse is if the lottery ticket hits big.  Stuff like that can end friendships.  A gift that can end friendships is not much of a gift at all.
• Gift Cards – In an economy where there are more “store closing” signs in any given area than “help wanted” signs, getting a gift card to say Sears might not be a good idea because Sears may not exist in a few months time.  In fact, I thought Sears wasn’t going to last through this year.  Thus the gift card becomes little more than a useless piece of plastic in a wallet.  Oh, and remember that if Sears doesn’t make it through the recession that I predicted it right here on my blog.
• Snuggie – No explanation needed.
• Snuggie for Dogs – Some people feel compelled to give their dogs Christmas gifts.  This is to make the humans happy, because Rover doesn’t even know what Christmas is.  I would imagine that the Snuggie for Dogs would be a popular gift for those that have so much money that they’ll buy Rover a present.  Poor Rover will be stuck with a gift he’ll certainly hate.  If you’re a man and you give Rover a Snuggie for Dogs for Christmas, you very manhood may be at stake as Rover will probably bite you in the crotch.
• Crappy Pharmacy Toys – Nothing says you got little Johnny’s Christmas present at the very last-minute than a crappy toy from the local pharmacy.  To add injury to insult, the crappy toys at the pharmacy tend to be overpriced and found cheaper elsewhere.

Well, these are some gifts that might not be a good idea to give.  Do you know any other crappy gifts that one should avoid giving?  If so, let us all know via comment.  Until next time, remember that the point is, don’t get me a Chia Pet for Christmas.

Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Being a Pirate!

Ahoy mateys!  As you can see, my entry will be dealing with becoming a pirate.  Since it’s International Talk Like a Pirate Day, I was thinking “what’s better than talking like a pirate?”  Being an actual pirate!  So without further ado, here’s Rob of the Sky’s guide to being a pirate:

1. To be a pirate, an internet connection is a requirement.  It’s not easy being a pirate with teh internets.  So go ahead and leach off your neighbor’s wi-fi connection.  Just remember that you didn’t hear that last sentence from me.
2. You got internets?  Good, now you will need to download a torrent program.  Torrent program allow you to download good stuff like spyware, music, spyware, movies, spyware, games, spyware, porn, spyware, secret government documents, spyware, and adware.  Just remember you didn’t hear this from me.
3. Now you need to download the torrents.  Torrents are the actual files themselves.  Usually, torrents include entire cd’s, which makes piracy easier.  Keep remembering that you didn’t hear this from me
4. What you do at this point depends on what media you are pirating.  If you are making bootlegged cd’s or dvd’s, you’ll need blank cd’s or dvd’s and a disc drive that lets you write cd’s and/or dvd’s.  Just insert the blank disc into your disc drive, open your favourite media player (Winamp), and click on the place where you can record the cd of dvd.  Again, nothing from here you heard from me.
5. If you are pirating video games, you’ll need to buy a bunch of crappy 3rd party Nintendo 64 controllers and somehow put the games in the controller.  You’ll probably need a special device for this.  Also, you didn’t hear it from me.
6. Find a place to sell you warez.  A good place to sell warez is the flea market, as anyone can sell anything there.  People will quite literally sell their garbage at flea markets.  Another place to sell pirated goods is eBay, which is pretty much the flea market of the internets.  If you are a really savvy pirate, you can sell at the mall in one of those stands that’s in the middle of the corridors.  The pirates who sell in malls usually sell the pirated “game system” that advertises over 10,000 games on one controller, only for the suckers who buy it to realize that there are only like 10 games on the controller and the rest of the games are various language variations.  Now I must say that you didn’t hear any of this stuff from me.

Well, I hope this guide was helpful to all those would-be pirates out there.  Shut up, it is a good guide.  Until next time remember that I cannot be held liable if any of this information gets you in trouble with the law.