Tag Archive: fire


Well, it looks like I’ve taken another unplanned hiatus.  Hopefully, I’ll be back to blogging more consistently soon, but for now here’s a blog post about the July 4th.  So July is here, and you know what that means.  That’s right, July 4th is coming up.  Yes, July 4th is the day that the US celebrates it birthday and the rest of the world does nothing special.  As an American, I will be celebrating the 235th birthday of this country.  Being that I’ve been around the Independence Day block a time or two, I have composed a guide of do’s and do even more’s of this holiday.  So sit back, grab some freedom fries, and enjoy!

Cookouts:

I’ll start off my guide with everyone’s favorite topic: food.  Food is a very important part of this holiday.  Hell, food is a very important part of every American holiday.  I think there was even a feast this past Arbor Day.  Anyway, the main course of any July 4th meal has to be grilled meat, usually hot dogs and hamburgers.  Now, there are two ways to grill the meat.  You can lay the meat on the side-walk and let the incredibly hot temperatures do their work.  However, it’s more fun to use an actual gill for one reason: gas (or Vitamin G as Homer Simpson calls it).  If you only remember one thing from this part of the blog post, remember that you can never have too much Vitamin G.  Having too much Vitamin G is like loving America too much in that it is simply impossible.  If you disagree it means that you are wrong (and probably a terrorist).  Anyway, to cook your hamburgers and/or hot dogs, just put some charcoal in the grill, throw the meat on the grill, use several gallons of Vitamin G (remembering that you can never use too much), light the charcoal, and watch the explosion.  If your house catches on fire, you know you’ve done a good job.  If any of your body parts catch on fire, you know you’ve done one hell of a job.  Oh and you should flip the burger and/or hog dogs every so often yadda yadda yadda.  Don’t forget to serve the meat with other July 4th staples such as beans, potato salad, chips, and cold drinks including Coke, Kool-Aid, sweet tea, and beer.  If you serve beer, get American beer to show your love of America even more.  You don’t want to end up with imported beer because your guest will think that you hate America and Jesus.

Attire:

The attire for the 4th of July is very important.  This is the day where you must wear red, white, and blue, or else you hate America.  It’s that simple.  So grab your American flag designed shirt*, your American flag designed pants*, your American flag designed flip-flops*, your 61 star American flag*, and join the American birthday celebration.  Remember, you can never wear too much clothing featuring the American flag, and anyone who says otherwise is a terrorist, a traitor, or a tolerater of treason.  Now, you may feel bad that Rover doesn’t have any American flag themed clothing that he can wear.  Well, never fear because someone is one step ahead of you:

And remember, if Rover bites you in the crotch after you put this on him, it just means that he loves you, America, and Jesus.

*made in China

Fireworks!!!!!!!!!!!:

Now I come to the most important part of July 4th: the fireworks!  Fireworks are an important part of July 4th ever since the explosiveness of the Revolutionary War when America declared its independence from Britain (or for too many Americans France, Japan, Mexico, Spain, and/or China).  Now, you can merely go to a fireworks show and watch the professionals shoot fireworks then sit in traffic all night long.  However, true red-blooded Americans buy their own fireworks, especially if they live in a state where fireworks are illegal.  After all, there’s such a thrill about celebrating America’s birthday while breaking the law that’s in place in an American state.  Now, the trick to fireworks is quickly lighting them (using Vitamin G if necessary) then taking your time deciding how you’re going to launch em.  Don’t worry, fireworks never explode in your hand.  Nobody has ever lost fingers playing with fireworks or anything.  Plus, your neighbour’s house might catch on fire, and if your neighbour was a terrorist, you’ll be a hero.  Plus, if by the off-chance the fireworks explode in your hand, you get scars.  Then you can make up war stories when the kids ask how you got those scars.  Plus, the fireworks you launch will cause explosions, and explosions are a true sign that you love America, Jesus, puppies, apple pie, and Exxon-Mobile.

So that’s my guide to the fourth of July.  Until next time, remember that you can never have too much Vitamin G.  Happy Independence Day!

Advertisements

Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Commercials

One of the most apparent part of our society is commercials.  It seems like commercials are everywhere.  On television, billboards, buses, movie theaters, ballparks, and even teh internets, one can find commercials advertising for unnecessary crap to spend our disposable income.  Like most people, I am annoyed by the constant bombardment of advertisement that plagues our society.  I dream of a day where I can watch t.v. without commercials.  Unfortunately, I’m not rich enough to afford TIVO or channels like HBO, and am not sophisticated enough to enjoy PBS, so I’m stuck with commercials.  The annoying thing about commercials is that they are loud and repetitive.  They also tend to be similar to one another and high in sound volume.  The most annoying commercials are the ones that try to sell some miracle new household product in a obnoxiously loud voice, like so:

ARE YOU CURRENTLY ON FIRE?  WHY, YOU ARE JUST IN LUCK AS MIRACLE PRODUCT INC. HAS INTRODUCED A NEW PRODUCT CALL DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE.  DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE IS INCREDIBLY EASY TO USE.  JUST OPEN THE BOTTLE OF DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE AND POUR IT ALL OVER YOU BODY TO PUT OUT THE FIRE.  DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE REGULARLY SELLS FOR $29.99 A BOTTLE, BUT CALL NOW TO RECEIVE YOUR BOTTLE OF DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE FOR ONLY $19.99.  YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO PASS UP A DEAL LIKE THAT.  BUT ORDER IN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES AND YOU’LL RECEIVE DOUBLE THE ORDER.  THAT’S RIGHT, YOU GET TWO BOTTLES OF DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE FOR THE LOW LOW PRICE OF $19.99.  DON’T DELAY, CALL TODAY!

These type of commercials are the reason why the mute button exists.  Actually, I have no idea why the mute button exists.  Regardless, the mute button is still important in shutting up loudmouths on commercials.  Another type of commercial that is very annoying is the prescription drug commercials.  Too many of these commercials are on television.  These commercials convince people that they have diseases like acid reflux, restless leg syndrome, or erectile dysfunction.  An example of a prescription drug commercial is like so:

Are you very hot?  Do you currently feel pain?  Do children run up to you holding marshmallows or hot dogs on the end of a stick?  If you are experiencing any or all of these symptoms, then you are probably on fire.  However, there is treatment for this disease with Firegone.  Firegone is a once-daily pill that can relieve you of you pyro situation.  You should ask your doctor if Firegone is right for you.  Side effects include nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, salmonella, bladder cancer, AIDS and/or death.  Women who are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant should not take Firegone.  So what are you waiting for?  Take Firegone today and start living a cooler life.

Another type of commercial that I find annoying is the car insurance commercial.  What’s with the geckos and cavemen selling car insurance.  Why do cavemen need car insurance anyway?  Cavemen don’t know how to drive.  Oh yeah, I just insulted cavemen.  Any hate mail can be sent here.  Anyway, Here would be an example of a car insurance commercial:

Announcer Dood: Switching to Geico is so easy a man on fire can do it.
Man on Fire: I resent that.  We are people too, ya know
Announcer Dood: Oh, sorry.  Geico: 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance.

Now, I don’t find all commercials annoying.  I do like movie trailer.  I especially liked it when the late Don LaFontaine would do a commercial like so:

In a world where people are not pyro inclined, one man gets himself on fire.  The late Jim Varney stars in Ernest is on Fire.  This time, Ernest is not in prison or saving Christmas.  Coming summer 2011.

Finally, I must admit that I do like commercials about video games.  There’s just something about them that I like.  I guess it’s because I like video games.  Anyway, an example of a video game commercial is like so:

Giant Hand: HEY!!! YOU LOOK LIKE A REAL JERK!!!
Dood: Well, I am on fire.
Giant Hand: SO WHATCHA DOIN’?
Dood: Well, I’m picking my order of Dihydrogen Monoxide
Giant Hand: OH NO YOU AIN’T!!!  YOU’RE GONNA PLAY POLE POSITION!!!

Well, I hope you enjoyed this installment of this WordPress doohickey.  Until next time, remember that 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance.  As if you cared.