Archive for November, 2010

Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Email

In a world where instant messaging is king, one man tries to bring back the rules of a lost art.  Join Rob of the Sky as he brings you the guide to email.  Heh, those previous two sentences could be spoken in a Don LaFontaine voice for maximum effect.  Anyway, there are some rules to email to follow.  These rules are apparently mandatory, or at least it seems that way.  So, without further ado, here are Rob of the Sky’s guide to email!:

  1. Spam is king – Odds are 90% of the emails in your inbox are spam.  The main form of spam are adds for male enhancement pills.  After all, who doesn’t want to en-large their pe-nis.  I mean, you got to keep your wo-man sa-tisfied.  Pills like Vi-agra allow for a couple to spend 4 hours in he-aven.  I don’t know how they came up with the four hour limit, or what happens after four hours.  All I know is that after four hours it’s time to panic.  Anyway, other forms of spamming include phishing.  These are emails that seem to be from legit places like eBay or PayPal, but are not.  These emails ask for your information to keep your account on the website they are claiming to be open.  However, your account was never in jeopardy and the people who sent you the email are now using the credit card number you sent them to buy pills to en-large their pe-nis.  True story, I once received an email saying that my PayPal account was going to be deactivated if I didn’t give them my information involved with the account.  The irony is that I’ve never had a PayPal account in my life.  I didn’t really care that my non-existent PayPal account was deleted.  Finally, I can’t talk about spam and not talk about the Nigerian scams.  All you have to do is send some guy you’ve never met a bunch of money, and he’ll send you even more money.  For some reason, Nigeria is a haven for spammers.  I don’t know why either.
  2. Thou shalt forward crap – Too many emails have titles like “fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:re:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:re:fwd:re:fwd:pic of miracle”.  Many emails beg you to forward the crap to all your friends, or the friends you would have if you weren’t forwarding crap to everyone.  The first type of email that begs you to forward it to all your friends is the email that says Bill Gates will give you money if your forward the message to all your friends.  Now, I don’t personally know Bill Gates, but I figure that he doesn’t want to give me money for merely forwarding an email message.  The second type of email message that begs you to forward is the “for every forward Wal-Mart will donate 5 cents to funding a little boy’s cancer operation” email.  After all, who would be a heartless bastard and deny the dying little boy money for his needed cancer treatment?  Me.  I am that heartless bastard who deletes those emails.  Why do I delete these messages instead of forwarding them?  Simple, because that little boy dying of cancer doesn’t exist.  All those emails about forwarding an email message to pay for a little kid’s operation are nothing more than hoaxes.  The third type of email that begs you to forward are online petitions.  To put simply, online petitions don’t work.  And sending a forwarded email to the president get him to lower gas prices doesn’t work either.
  3. Hyperbole is your friend – Hyperbole tends to come into play when political emails are sent.  Why have a rational discussion about healthcare reform when “OMG OBAMA’S GONNA KILL YOUR GRANDMOTHER WITH AN AXE AND EAT HER CORPSE BECAUSE HEATH CARE REFORM PASSED!!!!111!!1!!!  FORWARD THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS!!!!!!!!1111!!!  BUY MORE GUNS SO THAT OBAMA DOESNT TAKE THEM AWAY!!!!111!!!!!11!” is much more effective at getting people passionate about the topic.  Granted, they might not be entirely knowledgable about the subject, and maybe they haven’t heard of sites such as Snopes or Factcheck which are dedicated to debunking these emails, but that’s not all that important.  What is important is getting people pissed off at the current state of Western civilization, even if they don’t know what they are pissed off about.
  4. Every once in a while you may write a personal email to a friend – there are a few rules to writing these emails. dont use capital letters. dont use certain punctuation marks such as apostrophes. use a single space after sentences. sentence fragments. and dont forget to hae a kickass tagline. thats the most important part.

So yeah, those are the rules to email.  Follow them, and you win the internets.  Until next time, remember that fire and gasoline do not mix very well.


Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Driving

Hello boys and girls.  Today’s post will be dealing with a subject many of us are familiar with: driving.  Throughout the years that I have been driving I’ve observed some behaviours from other drivers that seem to be the new and unwritten rules of the road.  Of course, it is my duty to share these things with you in a way that something something and such.  I don’t have a good segue to my next point, so enjoy:

  1. Ignore the speed limits – The speed limits are optional.  Sure, there are some laws on the books about how you aren’t supposed to go above the speed limit and such, but they are rarely enforced.  In fact, the faster you go, the cooler you are.  Who needs NASCAR when you have the Interstate System.  I mean, you can even turn right on some occasions on the Interstate System.  Interstate System 1, NASCAR 0.  The only time you should ever go less than the speed limit is when you are in the far left lane, in which case you should take the speed limit and reduce it by 15.
  2. Every time you use your turn signal, God kills a kitten – If you care about the kitten population, you will not use your turn signals.  Ever,  The car companies only put them on your car just to make more money anyway.  To add insult to injury, God kills a kitten for each lane you plan to merge into while using your turn signal.  So if you need to move over eight lanes and use your turn signal, eight poor kittens lose their lives.  God also kills a kitten every time you masturbate, so don’t masturbate and drive if you value kittens (or cheaper car insurance for that matter).
  3. Come to a complete halt every time you see any rain drops – I don’t know if anyone has told you, but rain is not a common weather phenomenon.  So if it rains while you are driving, you must panic like crazy and slam on your brakes just to be safe.  The other drivers will thank you by sticking up their middle fingers.  Remember, if you see someone else’s middle fingers, you must be doing something right.
  4. You must view all car accidents – Car accidents are a miracle of nature and as such should be viewed with awe.  Oh, who am I’m kidding, car accidents are cool, unless they happen to me.
  5. Cars are made to be close to each other – Don’t feel bad about riding on someone’s bumper or getting right in front of them and slowing down.  Cars get lonely and need to be close to each other sometimes.  Plus the other drivers will thank you by sticking up their middle fingers.

So there you go.  Remember these rules the next time you go driving, and you’ll be rewarded with middle fingers in no time!

So I have a doctor’s appointment later this week, so as a result I’m going to talk about doctors’ appointments.  Many of you have been to a doctor’s appointment before.  The thing is they really don’t change.  The main difference between going to the doctor when I was young and going to the doctor now is the lollipop.  When I went to the doctor as a kid, I got a lollipop at the end for putting up with all the waiting and the shots.  Now when I go to the doctor, the doctor tells me not to eat lollipops or else I may end up with diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, AIDS, SARS, and SIDS.  Did I mention that growing up sucks?  Anyway, most doctors’ appointments follow a certain pattern like so:

  1. Payment – The first thing most doctors’ offices have you do is give them money.  They do this first because they want to get their money in case you run out right before the prostate exam.  Apparently your butt and your wallet have to hurt after the visit.  The amount of hurt your wallet experiences is 100% dependent on what type of health insurance you have.  If you don’t have health insurance, Lord have mercy on your soul.
  2. Waiting in the waiting room – After selling your car to get enough money to pay the doctor, you have to wait an eternity in the waiting room.  Sometimes the doctor’s office wants you to fill out a stack of papers that are thicker than most Congressional bills.  While you try to recount your mass in slugs, sick people are coughing and sneezing and getting their germs everywhere.  Hand sanitizer is your friend at the doctor’s office.  If you don’t have any papers to fill out, you can entertain yourself by reading one of the magazines in the waiting room that from 1978.  Unfortunately, there usually isn’t any magazines that feature video games or naked women.  Good magazines feature video games or naked women.  Everyone knows that.
  3. Waiting in that little room that has the table with the paper on it – After a while, the nurse calls you back, gets your weight, and sends you into a little room.  After the nurse gets things like your temperature, blood pressure, and wallet, he or she leaves the room.  Now, you’re waiting in a room that has no magazines or any other form of entertainment.  This gives you plenty of time to ponder life’s most important questions like “Why am I sitting on paper”, “Why are there no magazines in here” and “Why doesn’t Taco Bell serve beer”.  It would be wise to bring your Game Boy or your Game Gear to keep you occupied.
  4. Talking to the doctor – Now we get down to the heart of the matter, which also happens to be the shortest part of the actual appointment for some reason.  The doctor tends to run some short tests on you, asks how you have been doing, and gives advice that I subsequently ignore like lose weight, quit smoking, and quit urinating in public.  And that’s it.
  5. Make another appointment – You’ll get another six months to disregard  your doctor’s advice before you have to see him or her again.
  6. Get blood work done – As if it wasn’t enough that the doctor’s office wanted your money, they also want your blood.  I wonder if doctors are secretly vampires.  I’m not talking about the pedophile vampires that seem to be popular lately for no known reason.  I’m talking about the vampires that suck blood.  I must be getting old because I remember a time where vampires weren’t pedophile and there were nine planets in our solar system.  What’s this world coming to?
  7. Get your medicine – Now that you got your freshly written prescriptions, it’s time to cash them in for pills.  You may have to wait for the pharmacist to fill the prescriptions, in which case you can read a mini-guide to prostate cancer.  It’s better than Shakespeare I tells ya.  You can also buy crappy pharmacy toys at the pharmacy to give as a half assed last-minute birthday or Christmas gifts.  The point is, don’t get me a Chia-pet for Christmas.

Well that’s all I have for today.  Until next time, remember that Taco Bell doesn’t serve beer for no obvious reason.  Later.