Archive for January, 2011


Welcome all to another edition of Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Crap! The next two entries will deal with the land of gambling, booze, and hookers: Las Vegas! The first part will deal with the gambling aspect of Vegas while the second part will deal with the other stuff like buffets, roller coasters, shows, and people who like to show their moneymakers. So without further ado, here comes part one of Rob of the Sky’s guide to Vegas.

Gambling is a way of life in Las Vegas. there are sooooo many slot machines there that it’s overwhelming. The slot machines aren’t limited to casinos either. There are slot machines in places like the airport or the pharmacy. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were gambling opportunities at the McDonalds’ there. Anyway, while gambling may be all over the place in Vegas, the main action is found in the casinos. There are many different types of gambling opportunities at the major casinos in Vegas. Of course, this blog would not be complete without me making fun of the various ways that you can lose your money in Vegas. So for your entertainment, here are the various forms of gambling in Vegas:

* Slot Machines – These are the primary form of gambling in Vegas. They come in all different sizes, forms, and prices. Yet one thing they have in common is that they take your money. Here’s how the typical slot machine works: you drop a coin in the machine and pull the lever or press the button. The reels turn and when they’re done, you get nothing back. So you stick another coin in the machine, pull the handle, watch the reels spin, and get nothing back. Repeat for several hours. Now, some people apparently do get some money back from the slot machines. In fact, there are giant cups to keep your coins in if you win. If you keep losing, you can put your beer in the giant cups. There are also slot machines which emulate 5-card draw. For these machines, you actually get a choice as to which cyber card to keep. Yet, it doesn’t really matter because you still lose. Now, you can pick which machine to play. as you really can’t go anywhere in Vegas without passing by hundreds of slot machines. Going to a show? Just past the slot machines. Trying to ride a roller coaster? You must pass through the jungle of slot machines. Got to urinate? Why not play one of the million of slot machines on the way to the restroom. Trying to get to Utah? Hope you don’t get lost in the slot machines. The irony is that those under 21 are not allowed in the casino, yet they got to go through the casino to get anywhere they can be, like the roller coaster.

* Roulette – This is another way to see your bank account dwindle. You can make several bets in roulette. You can bet on a particular number, where the odds are really not in your favor. You can increase your odds by betting on rows or columns. You can really increase your odds by betting on color (red or black), odd or even, or low (1-18) or high (19-36). Yet, it doesn’t really matter where you place your bet because that little ball that the casino worker throws onto the wheel seems to land on a space that you didn’t bet on. Yet, you go back, Jack, do it again. Wheel turning round and round.

* Craps – This game is crappy. That was lame. Anyway, I’m thoroughly convinced that you must have a Ph. D in Mathematics to understand craps. The playing board for craps seems so complex that I wouldn’t know where to begin to bet. The best strategy seems to place a bet at random and hope that it was a good one.

* The Spinning Wheel that Looks Like the Wheel off of Wheel of Fortune but Smaller and Mounted Vertically as Opposed to Horizontally – I have no idea what this game is called, but it is a simple game. All you have to do is put a certain amount of money up as a bet and let the casino worker work his mojo on the wheel. Some of the spaces on the wheel allow your money to multiply. Obviously, these spaces are smaller, with the higher amounts being smaller in area than the lower amounts. That’s about it. Oh, and of course you can lose your money here as well.

* Table Games – These are various card games where you can play against the house. The house of course being the casino. There are several types of these table games, yet the most popular is Blackjack. You could actually do well by playing Blackjack if you know the basic strategies, like not hitting on 21 or not staying on 4. Also, it helps if you get a casino worker who doesn’t know the rules of the game and ends up getting 48, thereby busting by a mile. It is proper to tip the casino worker, however, so your profits may be smaller than expected.

* Poker – Unlike other table games, in poker you compete with other casino patrons. Here is your chance to show off your acting skills by trying to bluff the other people that you have something great when in really you have crap. To be successful in poker, you must be void of all emotion. Any emotion shown on your face is a dead give away that you’re bluffing. Also, you could be like the guys on t.v. and wear shades. It’s your call. Just remember that you can’t fool all the people all the time.

* Sports Betting – Boring.

* The Arcade – When you are tired of losing your money of games that require little skill, you can go to the casino arcade to play games of skill. You can even win tokens playing games like Skee-Ball. The sad thing is you are probably more likely to win a prize in the arcade than in the casino.

Well, I hoped you enjoy my guide to Vegas. Just remember to stay tuned to part two of the guide right here on Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Crap!

Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Commercials

One of the most apparent part of our society is commercials.  It seems like commercials are everywhere.  On television, billboards, buses, movie theaters, ballparks, and even teh internets, one can find commercials advertising for unnecessary crap to spend our disposable income.  Like most people, I am annoyed by the constant bombardment of advertisement that plagues our society.  I dream of a day where I can watch t.v. without commercials.  Unfortunately, I’m not rich enough to afford TIVO or channels like HBO, and am not sophisticated enough to enjoy PBS, so I’m stuck with commercials.  The annoying thing about commercials is that they are loud and repetitive.  They also tend to be similar to one another and high in sound volume.  The most annoying commercials are the ones that try to sell some miracle new household product in a obnoxiously loud voice, like so:

ARE YOU CURRENTLY ON FIRE?  WHY, YOU ARE JUST IN LUCK AS MIRACLE PRODUCT INC. HAS INTRODUCED A NEW PRODUCT CALL DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE.  DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE IS INCREDIBLY EASY TO USE.  JUST OPEN THE BOTTLE OF DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE AND POUR IT ALL OVER YOU BODY TO PUT OUT THE FIRE.  DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE REGULARLY SELLS FOR $29.99 A BOTTLE, BUT CALL NOW TO RECEIVE YOUR BOTTLE OF DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE FOR ONLY $19.99.  YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO PASS UP A DEAL LIKE THAT.  BUT ORDER IN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES AND YOU’LL RECEIVE DOUBLE THE ORDER.  THAT’S RIGHT, YOU GET TWO BOTTLES OF DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE FOR THE LOW LOW PRICE OF $19.99.  DON’T DELAY, CALL TODAY!

These type of commercials are the reason why the mute button exists.  Actually, I have no idea why the mute button exists.  Regardless, the mute button is still important in shutting up loudmouths on commercials.  Another type of commercial that is very annoying is the prescription drug commercials.  Too many of these commercials are on television.  These commercials convince people that they have diseases like acid reflux, restless leg syndrome, or erectile dysfunction.  An example of a prescription drug commercial is like so:

Are you very hot?  Do you currently feel pain?  Do children run up to you holding marshmallows or hot dogs on the end of a stick?  If you are experiencing any or all of these symptoms, then you are probably on fire.  However, there is treatment for this disease with Firegone.  Firegone is a once-daily pill that can relieve you of you pyro situation.  You should ask your doctor if Firegone is right for you.  Side effects include nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, salmonella, bladder cancer, AIDS and/or death.  Women who are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant should not take Firegone.  So what are you waiting for?  Take Firegone today and start living a cooler life.

Another type of commercial that I find annoying is the car insurance commercial.  What’s with the geckos and cavemen selling car insurance.  Why do cavemen need car insurance anyway?  Cavemen don’t know how to drive.  Oh yeah, I just insulted cavemen.  Any hate mail can be sent here.  Anyway, Here would be an example of a car insurance commercial:

Announcer Dood: Switching to Geico is so easy a man on fire can do it.
Man on Fire: I resent that.  We are people too, ya know
Announcer Dood: Oh, sorry.  Geico: 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance.

Now, I don’t find all commercials annoying.  I do like movie trailer.  I especially liked it when the late Don LaFontaine would do a commercial like so:

In a world where people are not pyro inclined, one man gets himself on fire.  The late Jim Varney stars in Ernest is on Fire.  This time, Ernest is not in prison or saving Christmas.  Coming summer 2011.

Finally, I must admit that I do like commercials about video games.  There’s just something about them that I like.  I guess it’s because I like video games.  Anyway, an example of a video game commercial is like so:

Giant Hand: HEY!!! YOU LOOK LIKE A REAL JERK!!!
Dood: Well, I am on fire.
Giant Hand: SO WHATCHA DOIN’?
Dood: Well, I’m picking my order of Dihydrogen Monoxide
Giant Hand: OH NO YOU AIN’T!!!  YOU’RE GONNA PLAY POLE POSITION!!!

Well, I hope you enjoyed this installment of this WordPress doohickey.  Until next time, remember that 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance.  As if you cared.

Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Facebook

So there’s this little known website called Facebook.com.  I don’t know if you’ve heard of it, but it’s this cool social networking site that’s only available to certain colleges.  It’s the talk of those campuses!  Oh wait, this isn’t 2005 anymore.  Now Facebook is the number one non-Google site that has taken over the world.  It seems like everyone’s on Facebook, from grandparents to babies.  Damn that Mark Zuckerburg for taking what was a cool hangout spot on the internet and making it all lame by attracting parents and annoying little siblings to it.  For all you parents out there, if there’s something your teen likes that you disapprove of, the best way to get them to hate it is by you liking it.  Lets say your kids listens to Lady Gaga or Justin Bieber or John Phillip Sousa and you don’t like them listening to those musicians, then you start listening to those musicians when they’re around.  I guarantee they’ll move on to another pop singer that you disapprove of in no time flat.  Anyway, I’m having a hard time coming up with a clever segue, so here’s a bunch of crap about Facebook:

  1. Facebook is the place to stalk everyone from high school – If you’re like me, you went to high school with hundreds if not thousands of people.  Now, in the past many people went their own separate ways after graduation, not keeping up with their former classmates until the 10th year reunion where everyone lied about their success.  With the invention of Facebook, you can friend people you barely knew in high school and see what they’re doing these days.  You can look at their Facebook profiles and see that the captain of the football team got a job flipping burgers at McDonald’s, the head cheerleader got a job flipping burgers at Burger King, and the really nerdy kid who was really into John Phillip Sousa got into Harvard, graduated at the top of his class, and then got a job flipping burgers at Wendy’s.  With that success Dr. John Zoidberg would be envious.
  2. There is no such thing as TMI on Facebook – Just got totally wasted at the party?  Instant Facebook status.  Have hot and steamy sex with a hooker last night?  That’s perfect fodder for a status update.  Scratching your itchy balls?  Status update!  Just threw up in front of the President?  Then you make a game out of updating your status before you appear on the 5 o’clock news.  There’s no limit to the embarrassing stuff that you can put on Facebook.  If you are looking for a job, however, then those status updates can work against you in a court of job interview (and it does feel like going for a job interview is like going to court these days).
  3. Poking is an art – While there have been several changes to Facebook over the years, one thing that has remained the same is the poke.  The poke was designed to be a not so subtle flirting technique, but there are far more applications to the poke than just flirting.  There’s also poke wars, where you repeatedly poke someone over and over again until they get tired and quit poking back.  Then you can declare victory.  Of course, some people don’t stop poking back, but instead write on your wall to stop poking them. When this happens, you must not stop poking them, as you’ve done pwned them. Poking them becomes even more fun, as you’re clearly annoying them.  Of course, all the fun and games of poking come to an end when the person you’re poking on Facebook pokes you in the eye with a fork in real life.
  4. You must complain when Facebook changes its layout every 2.5 seconds – People tend to be resistant to change.  This is a common fact of life, yet someone at the Facebook headquarters in Dracula’s Castle apparently didn’t get that memo.  I’ve never seen a site change its layout as many times as Facebook has.  In fact, they seem to change their layout more often than some people change their underwear.  Every time Facebook changes its layout, thousands of its users complain, and every time the users’ complaints fall on Mark Zuckerburg’s deaf ears.  Maybe Facebook should stick with one layout for a while, maybe finishing this candy bar before starting another.
  5. Facebook apps are designed to bother your friends – A few years ago, Facebook introduced apps.  Now, this seemed like a good idea at the time, but unfortunately they made it too easy to send app invites to all your friends.  What happens is that the friends get annoyed by all the spam and end up hating everything in life.  The worst of these spam apps are games.  Many of the more well-known games on Facebook end in -ville, such as Farmville, Yoville, Frontierville, Cityville, and Bothertheshitoutofyourfriendsville.  Oh how I hate Farmville.  I want to destroy all those virtual farms and curse the day that retched game was born.  Anyway, if it’s not games that’s the subject of app spam, then it’s the annoy surveys like “Which city do you belong in”, “Which Twilight character are you”, and “Which Facebook app annoys you the most”.  It’s a small wonder why I spend less time on Facebook these days.

Well, that’s Facebook in a nutshell.  There’s more to Facebook than what I’ve outlined here, but unwanted Farmville invites are annoying me too much for me to dive into more of Facebook’s features.  Until next time, remember to keep your damn Farmville invites to yourself!