Welcome all to another edition of Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Crap! The next two entries will deal with the land of gambling, booze, and hookers: Las Vegas! The first part will deal with the gambling aspect of Vegas while the second part will deal with the other stuff like buffets, roller coasters, shows, and people who like to show their moneymakers. So without further ado, here comes part one of Rob of the Sky’s guide to Vegas.

Gambling is a way of life in Las Vegas. there are sooooo many slot machines there that it’s overwhelming. The slot machines aren’t limited to casinos either. There are slot machines in places like the airport or the pharmacy. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were gambling opportunities at the McDonalds’ there. Anyway, while gambling may be all over the place in Vegas, the main action is found in the casinos. There are many different types of gambling opportunities at the major casinos in Vegas. Of course, this blog would not be complete without me making fun of the various ways that you can lose your money in Vegas. So for your entertainment, here are the various forms of gambling in Vegas:

* Slot Machines – These are the primary form of gambling in Vegas. They come in all different sizes, forms, and prices. Yet one thing they have in common is that they take your money. Here’s how the typical slot machine works: you drop a coin in the machine and pull the lever or press the button. The reels turn and when they’re done, you get nothing back. So you stick another coin in the machine, pull the handle, watch the reels spin, and get nothing back. Repeat for several hours. Now, some people apparently do get some money back from the slot machines. In fact, there are giant cups to keep your coins in if you win. If you keep losing, you can put your beer in the giant cups. There are also slot machines which emulate 5-card draw. For these machines, you actually get a choice as to which cyber card to keep. Yet, it doesn’t really matter because you still lose. Now, you can pick which machine to play. as you really can’t go anywhere in Vegas without passing by hundreds of slot machines. Going to a show? Just past the slot machines. Trying to ride a roller coaster? You must pass through the jungle of slot machines. Got to urinate? Why not play one of the million of slot machines on the way to the restroom. Trying to get to Utah? Hope you don’t get lost in the slot machines. The irony is that those under 21 are not allowed in the casino, yet they got to go through the casino to get anywhere they can be, like the roller coaster.

* Roulette – This is another way to see your bank account dwindle. You can make several bets in roulette. You can bet on a particular number, where the odds are really not in your favor. You can increase your odds by betting on rows or columns. You can really increase your odds by betting on color (red or black), odd or even, or low (1-18) or high (19-36). Yet, it doesn’t really matter where you place your bet because that little ball that the casino worker throws onto the wheel seems to land on a space that you didn’t bet on. Yet, you go back, Jack, do it again. Wheel turning round and round.

* Craps – This game is crappy. That was lame. Anyway, I’m thoroughly convinced that you must have a Ph. D in Mathematics to understand craps. The playing board for craps seems so complex that I wouldn’t know where to begin to bet. The best strategy seems to place a bet at random and hope that it was a good one.

* The Spinning Wheel that Looks Like the Wheel off of Wheel of Fortune but Smaller and Mounted Vertically as Opposed to Horizontally – I have no idea what this game is called, but it is a simple game. All you have to do is put a certain amount of money up as a bet and let the casino worker work his mojo on the wheel. Some of the spaces on the wheel allow your money to multiply. Obviously, these spaces are smaller, with the higher amounts being smaller in area than the lower amounts. That’s about it. Oh, and of course you can lose your money here as well.

* Table Games – These are various card games where you can play against the house. The house of course being the casino. There are several types of these table games, yet the most popular is Blackjack. You could actually do well by playing Blackjack if you know the basic strategies, like not hitting on 21 or not staying on 4. Also, it helps if you get a casino worker who doesn’t know the rules of the game and ends up getting 48, thereby busting by a mile. It is proper to tip the casino worker, however, so your profits may be smaller than expected.

* Poker – Unlike other table games, in poker you compete with other casino patrons. Here is your chance to show off your acting skills by trying to bluff the other people that you have something great when in really you have crap. To be successful in poker, you must be void of all emotion. Any emotion shown on your face is a dead give away that you’re bluffing. Also, you could be like the guys on t.v. and wear shades. It’s your call. Just remember that you can’t fool all the people all the time.

* Sports Betting – Boring.

* The Arcade – When you are tired of losing your money of games that require little skill, you can go to the casino arcade to play games of skill. You can even win tokens playing games like Skee-Ball. The sad thing is you are probably more likely to win a prize in the arcade than in the casino.

Well, I hoped you enjoy my guide to Vegas. Just remember to stay tuned to part two of the guide right here on Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Crap!