Well, it looks like I’ve taken another unplanned hiatus.  Hopefully, I’ll be back to blogging more consistently soon, but for now here’s a blog post about the July 4th.  So July is here, and you know what that means.  That’s right, July 4th is coming up.  Yes, July 4th is the day that the US celebrates it birthday and the rest of the world does nothing special.  As an American, I will be celebrating the 235th birthday of this country.  Being that I’ve been around the Independence Day block a time or two, I have composed a guide of do’s and do even more’s of this holiday.  So sit back, grab some freedom fries, and enjoy!

Cookouts:

I’ll start off my guide with everyone’s favorite topic: food.  Food is a very important part of this holiday.  Hell, food is a very important part of every American holiday.  I think there was even a feast this past Arbor Day.  Anyway, the main course of any July 4th meal has to be grilled meat, usually hot dogs and hamburgers.  Now, there are two ways to grill the meat.  You can lay the meat on the side-walk and let the incredibly hot temperatures do their work.  However, it’s more fun to use an actual gill for one reason: gas (or Vitamin G as Homer Simpson calls it).  If you only remember one thing from this part of the blog post, remember that you can never have too much Vitamin G.  Having too much Vitamin G is like loving America too much in that it is simply impossible.  If you disagree it means that you are wrong (and probably a terrorist).  Anyway, to cook your hamburgers and/or hot dogs, just put some charcoal in the grill, throw the meat on the grill, use several gallons of Vitamin G (remembering that you can never use too much), light the charcoal, and watch the explosion.  If your house catches on fire, you know you’ve done a good job.  If any of your body parts catch on fire, you know you’ve done one hell of a job.  Oh and you should flip the burger and/or hog dogs every so often yadda yadda yadda.  Don’t forget to serve the meat with other July 4th staples such as beans, potato salad, chips, and cold drinks including Coke, Kool-Aid, sweet tea, and beer.  If you serve beer, get American beer to show your love of America even more.  You don’t want to end up with imported beer because your guest will think that you hate America and Jesus.

Attire:

The attire for the 4th of July is very important.  This is the day where you must wear red, white, and blue, or else you hate America.  It’s that simple.  So grab your American flag designed shirt*, your American flag designed pants*, your American flag designed flip-flops*, your 61 star American flag*, and join the American birthday celebration.  Remember, you can never wear too much clothing featuring the American flag, and anyone who says otherwise is a terrorist, a traitor, or a tolerater of treason.  Now, you may feel bad that Rover doesn’t have any American flag themed clothing that he can wear.  Well, never fear because someone is one step ahead of you:

And remember, if Rover bites you in the crotch after you put this on him, it just means that he loves you, America, and Jesus.

*made in China

Fireworks!!!!!!!!!!!:

Now I come to the most important part of July 4th: the fireworks!  Fireworks are an important part of July 4th ever since the explosiveness of the Revolutionary War when America declared its independence from Britain (or for too many Americans France, Japan, Mexico, Spain, and/or China).  Now, you can merely go to a fireworks show and watch the professionals shoot fireworks then sit in traffic all night long.  However, true red-blooded Americans buy their own fireworks, especially if they live in a state where fireworks are illegal.  After all, there’s such a thrill about celebrating America’s birthday while breaking the law that’s in place in an American state.  Now, the trick to fireworks is quickly lighting them (using Vitamin G if necessary) then taking your time deciding how you’re going to launch em.  Don’t worry, fireworks never explode in your hand.  Nobody has ever lost fingers playing with fireworks or anything.  Plus, your neighbour’s house might catch on fire, and if your neighbour was a terrorist, you’ll be a hero.  Plus, if by the off-chance the fireworks explode in your hand, you get scars.  Then you can make up war stories when the kids ask how you got those scars.  Plus, the fireworks you launch will cause explosions, and explosions are a true sign that you love America, Jesus, puppies, apple pie, and Exxon-Mobile.

So that’s my guide to the fourth of July.  Until next time, remember that you can never have too much Vitamin G.  Happy Independence Day!