Tag Archive: humor

Well, it’s already Monday in my particular area. This particular Monday is unusual though because it’s Presidents’ Day. Yes, it’s that special day where…um…the government and the banks don’t operate because MLK Day was over a month ago and the next major holiday is like Good Friday. Besides Presidents’ Day is better than Valentine’s Day. Think about it, how often did you have Valentine’s Day off of school? Only if it fell on the weekend. Now, how often did you get Presidents’ Day off? I rest my case. Anyway, there are a few things to say about Presidents’ Day, and they are so:

1. Presidents’ Day is more that just an excuse to get out of school – Ok, I’m a filthy liar. So sue me.
2. It’s also the day where we celebrate men like Millard, Ulysses, Rutherford, Grover, Teddy, Woodrow, Lyndon and Barack – Our president’s sure have had some weird names.
3. Umm…You don’t have to worry about checking the mail that day – That’s got to count for something. Right?

Well, that’s all I have for my guide to Presidents’ Day, except for the music. So sit back and enjoy this great Presidents’ Day tune:

(I’m not good at picking out presidential songs.)


So the 14th of February is approaching rapidly.  You know what that means?  That’s right, the Super Bowl is over.  Oh, and a little holiday called Valentine’s Day is coming up.  It’s that day of the year where guys give their sweethearts chocolate, flowers, and jewelry so that they get laid in return.  Also, it’s the day where people who aren’t getting laid have to be reminded of this fact every 3.5 seconds.  Anyway, I have decided to make this guide even though I’ve had little experience in this dating thing.  Of course, having little experience has never stopped me before.  Anyway, here’s my guide to Valentine’s Day:

  • First thing’s first: overpriced crap is the name of the game – Many people complain that this is a Hallmark holiday, and well they’re right.  With all the things that are sold during this holiday, like chocolates, flowers, cards, alcohol, and condoms, people might forget the reason for the season which is…um…let me get back to you on that.
  • Kids shall give everyone in their class a Valentine – I remember when I was in school we had to give everyone a Valentine, which was little more than pointless busy work.  I mean, we had to write the name and seal in the envelope 30 or so Valentines and then we had to make a paper mailbox the next day to place the Valentines.  It’s all a load of crap.  At least there was usually a party on V-day, so that was fun.
  • Remember to use protection – Appropriately, the section following elementary school antics will be about safe sex.  We all know that Valentine’s Day was designed for people to get laid.  I mean, what other reason could Valentine’s Day exist?  Exactly.  Now, if you don’t want another family member come November, then you should practice safe sex by using whatever birth control you like to use.  Remember, condoms are your friends.
  • Thou shalt wear pink and red – Since the human heart tends to be a reddish colour in textbook diagrams, red would be an appropriate colour for Valentine’s Day.  As for Pink, well it tends to be a stereotypical girl colour and a lot of girls like Valentine’s Day, so pink is also a colour that appears on the overpriced crap that the store sell this time of year.
  • Romantic music is a must – There are thousands of love songs out there.  It shouldn’t be too hard to pick one out for your sweetheart.  Here’s my choice for a romantic song:
    (I’m not too good at picking out romantic songs)

    Well, that’s my guide to Valentine’s Day.  Until next time, remember that the dog house is no place to spend Valentine’s Day.  Have a good Valentine’s Day!

Well, it’s the entry you all have been waiting for.  That’s right, it’s the semi-exciting conclusion to my guide to Vegas.  As you may recall, part one of Rob of the Sky’s guide to Vegas dealt solely with gambling.  Given the popularity of part one, I decided to go ahead and do part two.  Actually, that was a lie.  Part one was my least popular post on here to date.  Anyway, without further ado, here’s part two of Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Vegas:

While gambling may be the main draw to Vegas, there is so much more that Vegas has to offer.  Buffets, shows, roller coasters, and hookers are just some of the things that make the Vegas experience complete.  There’s no way I could cover it all, but I’ll try anyway, like so:

  • Scenery – The Vegas strip contains giant casinos that take the shape of various world landmarks, including a giant pyramid, a castle, and the skylines of New York and Paris, among others. This is a way to see the world if actually seeing the world is too damn expensive and Wikipedia just doesn’t cut it.
  • Shows – What better way to stay in the air conditioning than watching one of various shows that Vegas has to offer.  There are many different shows there.  The most common are magic shows.  These shows offer magicians doing trick using white tigers.  Apparently white tigers are the most magical animal ever, or at least more magical than their orange counterparts.  Another common type of shows are the shows involving washed-up music superstars.  This is where the pop idols of the ’50’s and ’60’s (and sometimes ’70’s) go to finish their careers.  Mostly old ladies and myself go to shows like these.  Another type of show that I like to go to is the shows that feature stand-up comedians.  Generally these comedians are relatively unknown, though sometimes well-known comedians appear in Vegas (at higher prices, of course).
  • Alcohol – I alluded to this subject during part one, and for good reasons.  Alcohol is the water of Vegas.  It’s everywhere.  If you are a teetotaler, you might have a bit of a problem in Vegas, as it seems like everyone offers you alcohol.  You can’t go too far in Vegas without seeing someone drinking.  One word of advise: try to limit the drinking while gambling, else you might spend your life’s saving in one sitting.
  • Buffets – What better way to eat that to load up your plate while standing in line?  Now, I got to admit that I got my fill of buffets while in college, as the cafeteria was buffet style.  Still, buffets are a major part of Vegas, as most casinos contain at least one buffet restaurant.  So you might as well make the most of it.  Besides, most buffets offer free refills, which can be a godsend in the desert.  And what goes better with buffets than…
  • Roller Coasters –  Now, Vegas doesn’t have the Hulk Roller Coaster or anything of that caliber.  The roller coasters there may be overpriced.  They might not have a variety of coasters.  Still, riding roller coasters can be a fun way to spend the day in Vegas, especially if you are underage.  My favorite coasters there involves paying a slightly higher fee to ride all day.  And ride all day I do.  Unless I fall off one of the coasters, then I get to go to the…
  • Emergency Room – Where you go if you have too much fun in Vegas.  Well, either the emergency room or jail.
  • Wedding Chapels – Have you ever wanted to have a big wedding where all of your family and friends are there watching you and subsequently have a huge reception where all of the families and friends dance to the music?  If not, than the chapels of Vegas may be for you.  Who makes a better minister than Elvis?  Exactly.  He also provides great music, which makes weddings fun!
  • Sex – You can score in more than one way in Vegas.  Like gambling and alcohol, sex is a way of life in Vegas.  There are so many ways to become aroused in Vegas that it isn’t funny.  Don’t have a partner?  Well, if you don’t mind risking catching STD’s, you can hire a hooker.  Hookers are all over Las Vegas, and unlike other places, they tend to be in lighted areas.  That makes it easier for you to shop around so that you find that right fit.

Well, I hoped you enjoyed this guide to Vegas.  Until next time, remember to properly restrain yourselves while riding roller coasters.

Welcome all to another edition of Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Crap! The next two entries will deal with the land of gambling, booze, and hookers: Las Vegas! The first part will deal with the gambling aspect of Vegas while the second part will deal with the other stuff like buffets, roller coasters, shows, and people who like to show their moneymakers. So without further ado, here comes part one of Rob of the Sky’s guide to Vegas.

Gambling is a way of life in Las Vegas. there are sooooo many slot machines there that it’s overwhelming. The slot machines aren’t limited to casinos either. There are slot machines in places like the airport or the pharmacy. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were gambling opportunities at the McDonalds’ there. Anyway, while gambling may be all over the place in Vegas, the main action is found in the casinos. There are many different types of gambling opportunities at the major casinos in Vegas. Of course, this blog would not be complete without me making fun of the various ways that you can lose your money in Vegas. So for your entertainment, here are the various forms of gambling in Vegas:

* Slot Machines – These are the primary form of gambling in Vegas. They come in all different sizes, forms, and prices. Yet one thing they have in common is that they take your money. Here’s how the typical slot machine works: you drop a coin in the machine and pull the lever or press the button. The reels turn and when they’re done, you get nothing back. So you stick another coin in the machine, pull the handle, watch the reels spin, and get nothing back. Repeat for several hours. Now, some people apparently do get some money back from the slot machines. In fact, there are giant cups to keep your coins in if you win. If you keep losing, you can put your beer in the giant cups. There are also slot machines which emulate 5-card draw. For these machines, you actually get a choice as to which cyber card to keep. Yet, it doesn’t really matter because you still lose. Now, you can pick which machine to play. as you really can’t go anywhere in Vegas without passing by hundreds of slot machines. Going to a show? Just past the slot machines. Trying to ride a roller coaster? You must pass through the jungle of slot machines. Got to urinate? Why not play one of the million of slot machines on the way to the restroom. Trying to get to Utah? Hope you don’t get lost in the slot machines. The irony is that those under 21 are not allowed in the casino, yet they got to go through the casino to get anywhere they can be, like the roller coaster.

* Roulette – This is another way to see your bank account dwindle. You can make several bets in roulette. You can bet on a particular number, where the odds are really not in your favor. You can increase your odds by betting on rows or columns. You can really increase your odds by betting on color (red or black), odd or even, or low (1-18) or high (19-36). Yet, it doesn’t really matter where you place your bet because that little ball that the casino worker throws onto the wheel seems to land on a space that you didn’t bet on. Yet, you go back, Jack, do it again. Wheel turning round and round.

* Craps – This game is crappy. That was lame. Anyway, I’m thoroughly convinced that you must have a Ph. D in Mathematics to understand craps. The playing board for craps seems so complex that I wouldn’t know where to begin to bet. The best strategy seems to place a bet at random and hope that it was a good one.

* The Spinning Wheel that Looks Like the Wheel off of Wheel of Fortune but Smaller and Mounted Vertically as Opposed to Horizontally – I have no idea what this game is called, but it is a simple game. All you have to do is put a certain amount of money up as a bet and let the casino worker work his mojo on the wheel. Some of the spaces on the wheel allow your money to multiply. Obviously, these spaces are smaller, with the higher amounts being smaller in area than the lower amounts. That’s about it. Oh, and of course you can lose your money here as well.

* Table Games – These are various card games where you can play against the house. The house of course being the casino. There are several types of these table games, yet the most popular is Blackjack. You could actually do well by playing Blackjack if you know the basic strategies, like not hitting on 21 or not staying on 4. Also, it helps if you get a casino worker who doesn’t know the rules of the game and ends up getting 48, thereby busting by a mile. It is proper to tip the casino worker, however, so your profits may be smaller than expected.

* Poker – Unlike other table games, in poker you compete with other casino patrons. Here is your chance to show off your acting skills by trying to bluff the other people that you have something great when in really you have crap. To be successful in poker, you must be void of all emotion. Any emotion shown on your face is a dead give away that you’re bluffing. Also, you could be like the guys on t.v. and wear shades. It’s your call. Just remember that you can’t fool all the people all the time.

* Sports Betting – Boring.

* The Arcade – When you are tired of losing your money of games that require little skill, you can go to the casino arcade to play games of skill. You can even win tokens playing games like Skee-Ball. The sad thing is you are probably more likely to win a prize in the arcade than in the casino.

Well, I hoped you enjoy my guide to Vegas. Just remember to stay tuned to part two of the guide right here on Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Crap!

Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Commercials

One of the most apparent part of our society is commercials.  It seems like commercials are everywhere.  On television, billboards, buses, movie theaters, ballparks, and even teh internets, one can find commercials advertising for unnecessary crap to spend our disposable income.  Like most people, I am annoyed by the constant bombardment of advertisement that plagues our society.  I dream of a day where I can watch t.v. without commercials.  Unfortunately, I’m not rich enough to afford TIVO or channels like HBO, and am not sophisticated enough to enjoy PBS, so I’m stuck with commercials.  The annoying thing about commercials is that they are loud and repetitive.  They also tend to be similar to one another and high in sound volume.  The most annoying commercials are the ones that try to sell some miracle new household product in a obnoxiously loud voice, like so:


These type of commercials are the reason why the mute button exists.  Actually, I have no idea why the mute button exists.  Regardless, the mute button is still important in shutting up loudmouths on commercials.  Another type of commercial that is very annoying is the prescription drug commercials.  Too many of these commercials are on television.  These commercials convince people that they have diseases like acid reflux, restless leg syndrome, or erectile dysfunction.  An example of a prescription drug commercial is like so:

Are you very hot?  Do you currently feel pain?  Do children run up to you holding marshmallows or hot dogs on the end of a stick?  If you are experiencing any or all of these symptoms, then you are probably on fire.  However, there is treatment for this disease with Firegone.  Firegone is a once-daily pill that can relieve you of you pyro situation.  You should ask your doctor if Firegone is right for you.  Side effects include nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, salmonella, bladder cancer, AIDS and/or death.  Women who are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant should not take Firegone.  So what are you waiting for?  Take Firegone today and start living a cooler life.

Another type of commercial that I find annoying is the car insurance commercial.  What’s with the geckos and cavemen selling car insurance.  Why do cavemen need car insurance anyway?  Cavemen don’t know how to drive.  Oh yeah, I just insulted cavemen.  Any hate mail can be sent here.  Anyway, Here would be an example of a car insurance commercial:

Announcer Dood: Switching to Geico is so easy a man on fire can do it.
Man on Fire: I resent that.  We are people too, ya know
Announcer Dood: Oh, sorry.  Geico: 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance.

Now, I don’t find all commercials annoying.  I do like movie trailer.  I especially liked it when the late Don LaFontaine would do a commercial like so:

In a world where people are not pyro inclined, one man gets himself on fire.  The late Jim Varney stars in Ernest is on Fire.  This time, Ernest is not in prison or saving Christmas.  Coming summer 2011.

Finally, I must admit that I do like commercials about video games.  There’s just something about them that I like.  I guess it’s because I like video games.  Anyway, an example of a video game commercial is like so:

Dood: Well, I am on fire.
Dood: Well, I’m picking my order of Dihydrogen Monoxide

Well, I hope you enjoyed this installment of this WordPress doohickey.  Until next time, remember that 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance.  As if you cared.

Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Facebook

So there’s this little known website called Facebook.com.  I don’t know if you’ve heard of it, but it’s this cool social networking site that’s only available to certain colleges.  It’s the talk of those campuses!  Oh wait, this isn’t 2005 anymore.  Now Facebook is the number one non-Google site that has taken over the world.  It seems like everyone’s on Facebook, from grandparents to babies.  Damn that Mark Zuckerburg for taking what was a cool hangout spot on the internet and making it all lame by attracting parents and annoying little siblings to it.  For all you parents out there, if there’s something your teen likes that you disapprove of, the best way to get them to hate it is by you liking it.  Lets say your kids listens to Lady Gaga or Justin Bieber or John Phillip Sousa and you don’t like them listening to those musicians, then you start listening to those musicians when they’re around.  I guarantee they’ll move on to another pop singer that you disapprove of in no time flat.  Anyway, I’m having a hard time coming up with a clever segue, so here’s a bunch of crap about Facebook:

  1. Facebook is the place to stalk everyone from high school – If you’re like me, you went to high school with hundreds if not thousands of people.  Now, in the past many people went their own separate ways after graduation, not keeping up with their former classmates until the 10th year reunion where everyone lied about their success.  With the invention of Facebook, you can friend people you barely knew in high school and see what they’re doing these days.  You can look at their Facebook profiles and see that the captain of the football team got a job flipping burgers at McDonald’s, the head cheerleader got a job flipping burgers at Burger King, and the really nerdy kid who was really into John Phillip Sousa got into Harvard, graduated at the top of his class, and then got a job flipping burgers at Wendy’s.  With that success Dr. John Zoidberg would be envious.
  2. There is no such thing as TMI on Facebook – Just got totally wasted at the party?  Instant Facebook status.  Have hot and steamy sex with a hooker last night?  That’s perfect fodder for a status update.  Scratching your itchy balls?  Status update!  Just threw up in front of the President?  Then you make a game out of updating your status before you appear on the 5 o’clock news.  There’s no limit to the embarrassing stuff that you can put on Facebook.  If you are looking for a job, however, then those status updates can work against you in a court of job interview (and it does feel like going for a job interview is like going to court these days).
  3. Poking is an art – While there have been several changes to Facebook over the years, one thing that has remained the same is the poke.  The poke was designed to be a not so subtle flirting technique, but there are far more applications to the poke than just flirting.  There’s also poke wars, where you repeatedly poke someone over and over again until they get tired and quit poking back.  Then you can declare victory.  Of course, some people don’t stop poking back, but instead write on your wall to stop poking them. When this happens, you must not stop poking them, as you’ve done pwned them. Poking them becomes even more fun, as you’re clearly annoying them.  Of course, all the fun and games of poking come to an end when the person you’re poking on Facebook pokes you in the eye with a fork in real life.
  4. You must complain when Facebook changes its layout every 2.5 seconds – People tend to be resistant to change.  This is a common fact of life, yet someone at the Facebook headquarters in Dracula’s Castle apparently didn’t get that memo.  I’ve never seen a site change its layout as many times as Facebook has.  In fact, they seem to change their layout more often than some people change their underwear.  Every time Facebook changes its layout, thousands of its users complain, and every time the users’ complaints fall on Mark Zuckerburg’s deaf ears.  Maybe Facebook should stick with one layout for a while, maybe finishing this candy bar before starting another.
  5. Facebook apps are designed to bother your friends – A few years ago, Facebook introduced apps.  Now, this seemed like a good idea at the time, but unfortunately they made it too easy to send app invites to all your friends.  What happens is that the friends get annoyed by all the spam and end up hating everything in life.  The worst of these spam apps are games.  Many of the more well-known games on Facebook end in -ville, such as Farmville, Yoville, Frontierville, Cityville, and Bothertheshitoutofyourfriendsville.  Oh how I hate Farmville.  I want to destroy all those virtual farms and curse the day that retched game was born.  Anyway, if it’s not games that’s the subject of app spam, then it’s the annoy surveys like “Which city do you belong in”, “Which Twilight character are you”, and “Which Facebook app annoys you the most”.  It’s a small wonder why I spend less time on Facebook these days.

Well, that’s Facebook in a nutshell.  There’s more to Facebook than what I’ve outlined here, but unwanted Farmville invites are annoying me too much for me to dive into more of Facebook’s features.  Until next time, remember to keep your damn Farmville invites to yourself!

Well, Christmas is over.  Yes, people have stopped killing each other over the last action figure in the store for little Johnny.  Now, people are killing each other to return little Johnny’s action figure that was the last one in the store.  While the big box retailers remain a blood bath, these days after Christmas are a reminder that the year is almost over with.  What a crappy year it was.  But this post is not about the terrible year that was 2010.  Instead, I’m looking forward, not backward.  Upward, not forward.  And constantly twirling, twirling, twirling toward freedom.  Instead, I’ll be focusing on the new year, especially in regards to new years resolutions.  You see, New Years Day, a date randomly selected by some guy a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, is a symbol for new beginnings.  Is there a such thing as old beginnings?  Anyway, many people come up with New Year’s resolutions as a way to have a fresh start.  However, most people make resolutions like “lose weight” or “make better grades” or “stop cheating on spouse a la Tiger Woods” that they generally have little motivation to, well, actually keep.  Thus, it is up to Rob of the Sky to tell you how to make a real New Year’s resolution.
Now, you might be thinking “Well, Rob of the Sky, what do you know about having the motivation to keep a New Year’s resolution.  After all, you can’t even keep up with your blog enough to update every hour on the hour.”  Well, you may be happy to know that I’ve kept my New Year’s resolution for the past 8 years or so.   Impressive, isn’t it?  Now, you might be wondering what my secret to keeping my resolution for all these years.  Well, my resolution for all these years was to not eat any hot sauce, and I have been able to keep this resolution because I don’t really like hot sauce.  You see, I realized that I could continue making high-aiming resolutions that I wasn’t going to keep, or I could make a low-aiming resolution that i could easily keep.  After all, if at first you don’t succeed, lower your expectations.  Mediocrity rules!  So yes, my advice to keeping you New Year’s resolution is to make one that you will probably keep anyway.  Another route you can take is the reverse New Year’s resolution.  Because in this country, you make resolution.  In Russia, resolution makes you.  Eh, that was lame.  Anyway, the reverse New Year’s resolution is where you make a resolution that is the opposite of your goal in hopes that you don’t keep you resolution (and thus keeping your goal).  For example, if you want to lose weight, you make a New Year’s resolution to gain weight.  Then, you fail to keep the resolution to gain weight, which means that you lose weight and thus have kept your original goal of losing weight.  Win.  I haven’t tried this idea, so I don’t know if it will work.  If you do decide to try it, let me know how it goes.  Until next time, remember that if you have a leg growing out of your head, you should contact a doctor immediately.  Have a Happy Easter!

It’s Christmas week, which means everyone will be opening presents in a few days.  Now, we all know that the main reason for the season is to give and receive presents.  Well, it’s really supposed to be about the birth of Jesus, but the holiday is so commercialized that the religious aspect is pushed to the back burner.  Anyway, presents are extremely important in the modern Christmas experience.  Thus, it is important to give a good gift.  The following is a list of gifts that are not always a good idea to give.  If it is the thought that counts, then I gotta wonder what the people who give the following gifts were thinking.  So without further ado, I present gifts you should think twice before buying:

  • Chia Pets – Despite what the commercials say, Chia Pets do not make a wonderful gift.  I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who enjoy Chia Pets.  Those who enjoy Chia Pets must be out there though.  After all, they keep advertising Chia Pets on television.  Or perhaps Chia Pets continue to get made because people buy them as a half-ass last-minute Christmas gift.  The point is, don’t get me a Chia Pet for Christmas.
  • Gym Membership/Equipment – If any gift hits below the belt, it is the gym membership or gym equipment.  The person who is giving the gift is not so subtly telling the recipient that he or she is larger than most safari animals.  There are better ways to break it to a loved one that they are getting a little pudgy around the waistline than giving them a Christmas gift that they would probably find insulting.  The point is, don’t get me a Chia Pet for Christmas.
  • Christmas Stuff – The temptation to get something Christmassy for a friend or loved one is certainly there, as the stores tend to start selling Christmas stuff in September.  However, while the ornament that you get your friend may look good, they won’t be able to use it for another year, and that’s no fun.  Perhaps the exception to this rule is Christmas Specials on DVD, which can be watched on Christmas day and then forgotten about until spring cleaning 2015.  Of course, if the Christmas special in question is the Star Wars Christmas Special, then it is still a bad gift idea.
  • Lottery Tickets – Lottery tickets are a horrible Christmas present because most of the time the lottery tickets are losers.  Thus giving lottery tickets as a gift is often times the same as not giving a gift at all.  What’s worse is if the lottery ticket hits big.  Stuff like that can end friendships.  A gift that can end friendships is not much of a gift at all.
  • Gift Cards – In an economy where there are more “store closing” signs in any given area than “help wanted” signs, getting a gift card to say Sears might not be a good idea because Sears may not exist in a few months time.  In fact, I thought Sears wasn’t going to last through this year.  Thus the gift card becomes little more than a useless piece of plastic in a wallet.  Oh, and remember that if Sears doesn’t make it through the recession that I predicted it right here on my blog.
  • Snuggie – No explanation needed.
  • Snuggie for Dogs – Some people feel compelled to give their dogs Christmas gifts.  This is to make the humans happy, because Rover doesn’t even know what Christmas is.  I would imagine that the Snuggie for Dogs would be a popular gift for those that have so much money that they’ll buy Rover a present.  Poor Rover will be stuck with a gift he’ll certainly hate.  If you’re a man and you give Rover a Snuggie for Dogs for Christmas, you very manhood may be at stake as Rover will probably bite you in the crotch.
  • Crappy Pharmacy Toys – Nothing says you got little Johnny’s Christmas present at the very last-minute than a crappy toy from the local pharmacy.  To add injury to insult, the crappy toys at the pharmacy tend to be overpriced and found cheaper elsewhere.

Well, these are some gifts that might not be a good idea to give.  Do you know any other crappy gifts that one should avoid giving?  If so, let us all know via comment.  Until next time, remember that the point is, don’t get me a Chia Pet for Christmas.

Last time on Rob of the Sky’s Guide to Crap, Rob of the Sky wrote about some Christmas songs that are annoying.  This post was so popular, yet there were certain songs that should have been on the list.  Well, Rob of the Sky was never one to half-ass do anything.  Actually, that’s a lie.  Rob of the Sky frequently half-ass does stuff.  The point is…Rob of the Sky doesn’t know what the point is.  So just enjoy a list of more Christmas songs that are annoying.

  • Winter Wonderland – Who the hell is Parson Brown?  Why are pretending the snowman is Parson Brown?  It makes no sense.  In fact, what does this song have to do with Christmas anyway?  It’s more about snow than it is about Christmas.  What does snow have to do with Christmas anyway?  It seems like every Christmas movie has snow in it.  Even “Ernest Save Christmas”, which was set in that great arctic town of Orlando, Florida, had a snow scene.  Apparently the world undergoes severe global cooling on December 25th and December 25th alone every year.
  • Feliz Navidad – Here’s a song with two languages that ha no depth in either language.  The whole song is like two sentences, one in Spanish and one in English, with tons of repetition.  The point is, put more depth into the songs that you’re writing.
  • Silver Bells – Apparently it’s Christmas time only in the city.
  • Last Christmas by Wham! – Wham! is an interesting name for a band.  They could have simply been Wham, but that wasn’t good enough.  No, they had to add an exclamation point after the band name.  How many other bands have exclamation points in their names?  The only other band I can think of that meets that criterion is Panic! at the Disco.  Anyway, back to Wham!  I have a bit of a love-hate feeling about Wham!  I find some of their songs like “Wake me up Before you Gogo” to be incredibly annoying, while at the same time I enjoy some of their songs like “Careless Whisper”.  Unfortunately, “Last Christmas” is in the annoying category.  The song is about a guy who gave away his heart last Christmas, only to find that the girl he gave it to dump his ass the next day in traditional gold-digger style.  This could have easily been a Valentines’s Day song.  Why did the singer give his heart away anyway?  He needs that to, well, live.  After all, you only get one heart, and once it’s gone, you’re gone.
  • Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney – You may know this song as the song that says “simply having a wonderful Christmas time” 459,327,168 times.  For a song writer of McCartney’s caliber, he really did get lazy with this song.  I’ll stick with John Lennon’s “Merry Xmas (War is Over)” instead.

Well, that’s nearly the end of my post.  However, there is one more song I want to talk about.  This song is so annoying that many people feel that any list of annoying Christmas songs is invalidated by the lack of inclusion of this one song.  That song is…wait for it…wait for it…wait for it…

  • Santa Baby – Boy this is a train wreck of a song.  Where do I begin with what is wrong with this song?  Well, for one thing, the woman singing this songs has the unsexiest voice ever.  If the singer wants to turn Santa on, she fails miserably.  It’s not much of a stretch to say that some male singers have a sexier voice than the singer of “Santa Baby”.  And why is she going after Santa anyway?  Santa’s old as dirt.  Then again, some old guys like Hugh Heffner and Bob Barker have young, barely legal women chasing after them.  So I guess in that sense chasing after Santa could work.  Plus old men like Santa have a miracle drug called Viagra that gives them up to four hours of fun with barely legal women.  Still, I don’t think all the Viagra in the world would turn Santa on after listening to “Santa Baby”.  Though he might end up being turned on by listening to “Last Christmas” by Wham! instead.

Well, that it’s for today.   Until next time, remember to have a Happy Fourth of July!

Well, it’s that time of year.  Yes, it’s the time of year where Christmas songs are all over the radio and in the stores.  The thing about Christmas songs is that they are incredibly repetitive.  It seems like the play the same Christmas songs over and over and over and over again.  Every once in a while there’s a new Christmas song, but most of the Christmas tunes on the radio today were written by the dinosaurs.  You gotta admit that the dinosaurs were fairly evolved if they were able to write Christmas songs.  Anyway, some of these songs get annoying after a while.  So let’s go ahead and roll that beautiful bean footage:

  • Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Santa Claus is a stalker.  Why is Santa always watching me?  I’m not that interesting.  Besides, what is this song teaching the kiddies?  That some fat guy in the North Pole is always watching them?  How does Santa watch all the kids of the world all of the time?  He must have some great tracking equipment.  So why does he waste his time watching kids when Bowser keeps stealing the Princess.  I’ve come to the conclusion that the Mushroom Kingdom should hire Santa to guard the Princess.  If Santa is unavailable, then they can get the band The Police to do it.  The point is, don’t get a Chia Pet for Christmas.
  • I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – I saw daddy file for divorce the next day.  As if stalking everyone in the world wasn’t enough, Santa goes and adds insult to injury by cheating on his wife with other married women.  Lets see, Santa stalks little children and kisses their mommies.  Why is he not in prison?
  • Jingle Bell Rock – Now, you may be familiar with Jingle Bells, the song where Batman needs a shower, Robin is about the experience avian motherhood, and the Joker escapes, forms a band, and changes his name to Steve Miller.  Well, there’s a rock version of it.  I use the term rock loosely because there’s not much rock in Jingle Bell Rock.  Now, I understand that the song was made a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away when rock was just beginning.  However, the song has been covered 396,784,586 times since it was created.  Certainly someone covering it could put a kick-ass guitar solo in it or something.  I mean, if this song can have a guitar solo, they why can Jingle Bell Rock?  You know what song lacks a guitar solo?  The infamous rick roll.  I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.
  • We Wish You a Merry Christmas – What the hell is figgy pudding and why should I give you some?
  • Any song about snow or winter weather – These songs may be fine in certain area, but for those of us who live below a certain latitude they are completely inaccurate.  It never snows here during Christmas time.  Get cold weather?  Of course.  Rain?  You bet.  Tornadoes?  It’s been known to happen  Snow?  Wait till March and it may or may not happen (and in recent years it has happen less often than not).
  • It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year – That’s debatable.  I say summer is a better time of year.  This time of year it’s cold and rainy and there’s too many people in the stores trying to kill each other over those motorized hamsters that are popular this year for some reason.  Summer, on the other hand, includes warm weather, roller coaster, and women in bikinis.  I’ll take roller coasters and bikinis over fighting over motorized hamsters any day.
  • Frosty the Snowman – Am I the only one who thinks that flamethrowers would make this song more interesting?
  • The Little Drummer Boy – I don’t recall there being a drummer boy in the Bible during Jesus’ birth.  If there was, I would’ve learned about him is Sunday school.  Granted, they may have taught about him in Sunday school while I was busy sleeping.  You see, I always slept during school, and Sunday school was no exception.  Why do they have school on Sunday anyway?  That’s a question I pondered many of times in my youth.  Actually, if there really was a little drummer boy in the Bible, I probably would’ve been paying attention because drums are cool.  Think about it, if Phil Collins’ In the Air Tonight didn’t have that drum solo toward the end, would it have been as cool?  I rest my case.

Well, that’s all I have for today.  Until next time, remember that drums and guitars make everything better.