Well, it’s that time of year.  Yes, it’s the time of year where Christmas songs are all over the radio and in the stores.  The thing about Christmas songs is that they are incredibly repetitive.  It seems like the play the same Christmas songs over and over and over and over again.  Every once in a while there’s a new Christmas song, but most of the Christmas tunes on the radio today were written by the dinosaurs.  You gotta admit that the dinosaurs were fairly evolved if they were able to write Christmas songs.  Anyway, some of these songs get annoying after a while.  So let’s go ahead and roll that beautiful bean footage:

  • Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Santa Claus is a stalker.  Why is Santa always watching me?  I’m not that interesting.  Besides, what is this song teaching the kiddies?  That some fat guy in the North Pole is always watching them?  How does Santa watch all the kids of the world all of the time?  He must have some great tracking equipment.  So why does he waste his time watching kids when Bowser keeps stealing the Princess.  I’ve come to the conclusion that the Mushroom Kingdom should hire Santa to guard the Princess.  If Santa is unavailable, then they can get the band The Police to do it.  The point is, don’t get a Chia Pet for Christmas.
  • I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – I saw daddy file for divorce the next day.  As if stalking everyone in the world wasn’t enough, Santa goes and adds insult to injury by cheating on his wife with other married women.  Lets see, Santa stalks little children and kisses their mommies.  Why is he not in prison?
  • Jingle Bell Rock – Now, you may be familiar with Jingle Bells, the song where Batman needs a shower, Robin is about the experience avian motherhood, and the Joker escapes, forms a band, and changes his name to Steve Miller.  Well, there’s a rock version of it.  I use the term rock loosely because there’s not much rock in Jingle Bell Rock.  Now, I understand that the song was made a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away when rock was just beginning.  However, the song has been covered 396,784,586 times since it was created.  Certainly someone covering it could put a kick-ass guitar solo in it or something.  I mean, if this song can have a guitar solo, they why can Jingle Bell Rock?  You know what song lacks a guitar solo?  The infamous rick roll.  I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.
  • We Wish You a Merry Christmas – What the hell is figgy pudding and why should I give you some?
  • Any song about snow or winter weather – These songs may be fine in certain area, but for those of us who live below a certain latitude they are completely inaccurate.  It never snows here during Christmas time.  Get cold weather?  Of course.  Rain?  You bet.  Tornadoes?  It’s been known to happen  Snow?  Wait till March and it may or may not happen (and in recent years it has happen less often than not).
  • It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year – That’s debatable.  I say summer is a better time of year.  This time of year it’s cold and rainy and there’s too many people in the stores trying to kill each other over those motorized hamsters that are popular this year for some reason.  Summer, on the other hand, includes warm weather, roller coaster, and women in bikinis.  I’ll take roller coasters and bikinis over fighting over motorized hamsters any day.
  • Frosty the Snowman – Am I the only one who thinks that flamethrowers would make this song more interesting?
  • The Little Drummer Boy – I don’t recall there being a drummer boy in the Bible during Jesus’ birth.  If there was, I would’ve learned about him is Sunday school.  Granted, they may have taught about him in Sunday school while I was busy sleeping.  You see, I always slept during school, and Sunday school was no exception.  Why do they have school on Sunday anyway?  That’s a question I pondered many of times in my youth.  Actually, if there really was a little drummer boy in the Bible, I probably would’ve been paying attention because drums are cool.  Think about it, if Phil Collins’ In the Air Tonight didn’t have that drum solo toward the end, would it have been as cool?  I rest my case.

Well, that’s all I have for today.  Until next time, remember that drums and guitars make everything better.

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