In a world where instant messaging is king, one man tries to bring back the rules of a lost art.  Join Rob of the Sky as he brings you the guide to email.  Heh, those previous two sentences could be spoken in a Don LaFontaine voice for maximum effect.  Anyway, there are some rules to email to follow.  These rules are apparently mandatory, or at least it seems that way.  So, without further ado, here are Rob of the Sky’s guide to email!:

  1. Spam is king – Odds are 90% of the emails in your inbox are spam.  The main form of spam are adds for male enhancement pills.  After all, who doesn’t want to en-large their pe-nis.  I mean, you got to keep your wo-man sa-tisfied.  Pills like Vi-agra allow for a couple to spend 4 hours in he-aven.  I don’t know how they came up with the four hour limit, or what happens after four hours.  All I know is that after four hours it’s time to panic.  Anyway, other forms of spamming include phishing.  These are emails that seem to be from legit places like eBay or PayPal, but are not.  These emails ask for your information to keep your account on the website they are claiming to be open.  However, your account was never in jeopardy and the people who sent you the email are now using the credit card number you sent them to buy pills to en-large their pe-nis.  True story, I once received an email saying that my PayPal account was going to be deactivated if I didn’t give them my information involved with the account.  The irony is that I’ve never had a PayPal account in my life.  I didn’t really care that my non-existent PayPal account was deleted.  Finally, I can’t talk about spam and not talk about the Nigerian scams.  All you have to do is send some guy you’ve never met a bunch of money, and he’ll send you even more money.  For some reason, Nigeria is a haven for spammers.  I don’t know why either.
  2. Thou shalt forward crap – Too many emails have titles like “fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:re:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:re:fwd:re:fwd:pic of miracle”.  Many emails beg you to forward the crap to all your friends, or the friends you would have if you weren’t forwarding crap to everyone.  The first type of email that begs you to forward it to all your friends is the email that says Bill Gates will give you money if your forward the message to all your friends.  Now, I don’t personally know Bill Gates, but I figure that he doesn’t want to give me money for merely forwarding an email message.  The second type of email message that begs you to forward is the “for every forward Wal-Mart will donate 5 cents to funding a little boy’s cancer operation” email.  After all, who would be a heartless bastard and deny the dying little boy money for his needed cancer treatment?  Me.  I am that heartless bastard who deletes those emails.  Why do I delete these messages instead of forwarding them?  Simple, because that little boy dying of cancer doesn’t exist.  All those emails about forwarding an email message to pay for a little kid’s operation are nothing more than hoaxes.  The third type of email that begs you to forward are online petitions.  To put simply, online petitions don’t work.  And sending a forwarded email to the president get him to lower gas prices doesn’t work either.
  3. Hyperbole is your friend – Hyperbole tends to come into play when political emails are sent.  Why have a rational discussion about healthcare reform when “OMG OBAMA’S GONNA KILL YOUR GRANDMOTHER WITH AN AXE AND EAT HER CORPSE BECAUSE HEATH CARE REFORM PASSED!!!!111!!1!!!  FORWARD THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS!!!!!!!!1111!!!  BUY MORE GUNS SO THAT OBAMA DOESNT TAKE THEM AWAY!!!!111!!!!!11!” is much more effective at getting people passionate about the topic.  Granted, they might not be entirely knowledgable about the subject, and maybe they haven’t heard of sites such as Snopes or Factcheck which are dedicated to debunking these emails, but that’s not all that important.  What is important is getting people pissed off at the current state of Western civilization, even if they don’t know what they are pissed off about.
  4. Every once in a while you may write a personal email to a friend – there are a few rules to writing these emails. dont use capital letters. dont use certain punctuation marks such as apostrophes. use a single space after sentences. sentence fragments. and dont forget to hae a kickass tagline. thats the most important part.

So yeah, those are the rules to email.  Follow them, and you win the internets.  Until next time, remember that fire and gasoline do not mix very well.