Hello boys and girls.  Today’s post will be dealing with a subject many of us are familiar with: driving.  Throughout the years that I have been driving I’ve observed some behaviours from other drivers that seem to be the new and unwritten rules of the road.  Of course, it is my duty to share these things with you in a way that something something and such.  I don’t have a good segue to my next point, so enjoy:

  1. Ignore the speed limits – The speed limits are optional.  Sure, there are some laws on the books about how you aren’t supposed to go above the speed limit and such, but they are rarely enforced.  In fact, the faster you go, the cooler you are.  Who needs NASCAR when you have the Interstate System.  I mean, you can even turn right on some occasions on the Interstate System.  Interstate System 1, NASCAR 0.  The only time you should ever go less than the speed limit is when you are in the far left lane, in which case you should take the speed limit and reduce it by 15.
  2. Every time you use your turn signal, God kills a kitten – If you care about the kitten population, you will not use your turn signals.  Ever,  The car companies only put them on your car just to make more money anyway.  To add insult to injury, God kills a kitten for each lane you plan to merge into while using your turn signal.  So if you need to move over eight lanes and use your turn signal, eight poor kittens lose their lives.  God also kills a kitten every time you masturbate, so don’t masturbate and drive if you value kittens (or cheaper car insurance for that matter).
  3. Come to a complete halt every time you see any rain drops – I don’t know if anyone has told you, but rain is not a common weather phenomenon.  So if it rains while you are driving, you must panic like crazy and slam on your brakes just to be safe.  The other drivers will thank you by sticking up their middle fingers.  Remember, if you see someone else’s middle fingers, you must be doing something right.
  4. You must view all car accidents – Car accidents are a miracle of nature and as such should be viewed with awe.  Oh, who am I’m kidding, car accidents are cool, unless they happen to me.
  5. Cars are made to be close to each other – Don’t feel bad about riding on someone’s bumper or getting right in front of them and slowing down.  Cars get lonely and need to be close to each other sometimes.  Plus the other drivers will thank you by sticking up their middle fingers.

So there you go.  Remember these rules the next time you go driving, and you’ll be rewarded with middle fingers in no time!