So I have a doctor’s appointment later this week, so as a result I’m going to talk about doctors’ appointments.  Many of you have been to a doctor’s appointment before.  The thing is they really don’t change.  The main difference between going to the doctor when I was young and going to the doctor now is the lollipop.  When I went to the doctor as a kid, I got a lollipop at the end for putting up with all the waiting and the shots.  Now when I go to the doctor, the doctor tells me not to eat lollipops or else I may end up with diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, AIDS, SARS, and SIDS.  Did I mention that growing up sucks?  Anyway, most doctors’ appointments follow a certain pattern like so:

  1. Payment – The first thing most doctors’ offices have you do is give them money.  They do this first because they want to get their money in case you run out right before the prostate exam.  Apparently your butt and your wallet have to hurt after the visit.  The amount of hurt your wallet experiences is 100% dependent on what type of health insurance you have.  If you don’t have health insurance, Lord have mercy on your soul.
  2. Waiting in the waiting room – After selling your car to get enough money to pay the doctor, you have to wait an eternity in the waiting room.  Sometimes the doctor’s office wants you to fill out a stack of papers that are thicker than most Congressional bills.  While you try to recount your mass in slugs, sick people are coughing and sneezing and getting their germs everywhere.  Hand sanitizer is your friend at the doctor’s office.  If you don’t have any papers to fill out, you can entertain yourself by reading one of the magazines in the waiting room that from 1978.  Unfortunately, there usually isn’t any magazines that feature video games or naked women.  Good magazines feature video games or naked women.  Everyone knows that.
  3. Waiting in that little room that has the table with the paper on it – After a while, the nurse calls you back, gets your weight, and sends you into a little room.  After the nurse gets things like your temperature, blood pressure, and wallet, he or she leaves the room.  Now, you’re waiting in a room that has no magazines or any other form of entertainment.  This gives you plenty of time to ponder life’s most important questions like “Why am I sitting on paper”, “Why are there no magazines in here” and “Why doesn’t Taco Bell serve beer”.  It would be wise to bring your Game Boy or your Game Gear to keep you occupied.
  4. Talking to the doctor – Now we get down to the heart of the matter, which also happens to be the shortest part of the actual appointment for some reason.  The doctor tends to run some short tests on you, asks how you have been doing, and gives advice that I subsequently ignore like lose weight, quit smoking, and quit urinating in public.  And that’s it.
  5. Make another appointment – You’ll get another six months to disregard  your doctor’s advice before you have to see him or her again.
  6. Get blood work done – As if it wasn’t enough that the doctor’s office wanted your money, they also want your blood.  I wonder if doctors are secretly vampires.  I’m not talking about the pedophile vampires that seem to be popular lately for no known reason.  I’m talking about the vampires that suck blood.  I must be getting old because I remember a time where vampires weren’t pedophile and there were nine planets in our solar system.  What’s this world coming to?
  7. Get your medicine – Now that you got your freshly written prescriptions, it’s time to cash them in for pills.  You may have to wait for the pharmacist to fill the prescriptions, in which case you can read a mini-guide to prostate cancer.  It’s better than Shakespeare I tells ya.  You can also buy crappy pharmacy toys at the pharmacy to give as a half assed last-minute birthday or Christmas gifts.  The point is, don’t get me a Chia-pet for Christmas.

Well that’s all I have for today.  Until next time, remember that Taco Bell doesn’t serve beer for no obvious reason.  Later.

Advertisements