Good day to you all.  It’s that time of year again.  That’s right, tomorrow is Halloween!  Ah, I remember Halloween as a kid.  That was the one day of the year that I could take candy from strangers.  That’s got to be confusing to a little kid.  Parents are constantly telling kids not to take candy from strangers if they offer it.  Yet, the whole point of Trick or Treating is to go door to door taking candy from strangers who offer it.  Getting syringe filled candy isn’t the only thing going on for Halloween.  There’s always the pranks one can pull on Halloween.  You could throw toilet paper at the principal’s house, throw raw eggs at the principal’s house, or leave a flaming sack of crap on the principal’s porch.  Or, if you’re really brave (or stupid, or drunk), you can do donuts on the principal’s lawn.  It’s your choice.  Just remember, if anyone asks, you did not get these ideas from me.  Another popular Halloween activity is going to haunted houses.  Haunted houses tend to be a good date idea, as horny teenage girls get to be “scared” and thus snuggle up to horny teenage boys who can “protect” them.  I, however, tend to crack jokes at the people doing the haunting.  It’s a way to work on my crappy stand-up act, which I have not actually started.  There is one important aspect of Halloween I have yet to talk about: the costumes.  There are some costumes that are just bad ideas, like so:

  • Ghost: Nothing says you threw a costume together at the last-minute like ye olde white sheet with two eye holes.  Try for something more creative.
  • Santa Claus: Sure, the stores may put out their Christmas decorations in the middle of September, but that doesn’t mean it is a good idea to mix Christmas and Halloween.  People will be confused and think it’s Christmas already.
  • Fairy Princess: To all the parents out there: this costume doesn’t look right on little Johnny…
  • Police man: People will think you are one of the Village People.  Or a male stripper.  Unless you are one of the Village People or a male stripper, you may not want to wear this costume.
  • Justin Bieber: If you’re over the age of 15, dressing up like Justin Bieber is a sign that you may be a pedophile.  If you’re 15 or younger, dressing up like Justin Bieber is a sign that you may have terrible taste in music.  Either way, just say no to dressing up as Justin Bieber.
  • Cat that looks like Hitler (Kitler): While there may be a site dedicated to cats that look like Hitler, but you’re not a cat and Hitler was an antisemitic asshole.  Do I need to explain more?
  • Nudist: Going nude for Halloween is a bad idea, as it tends to be cold this time of year.  No clothes + cold weather = sickness.  Also, public nudity is kinda illegal in most places.

Well, that’s all to my guide to Halloween.  Until next time, remember to be safe this weekend.  Also, I will test any trick or treat candy to see if there any funny business in it.

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